James Weir recaps The Bachelorette Australia 2016 episode 2

IT’S finally happened. One of the boys has had his dirty little secret outed on The Bachelorette. It was only a matter of time.

IT’S finally happened. One of the boys has had his dirty little secret outed on The Bachelorette. It was only a matter of time.

We watched tensions rise on Thursday night as Rhys dropped Sam’s big secret and the two became enemies. Sam fought back with sneering and bitching before going full Daniel Day-Lewis with a really bad impersonation of Rhys. But more on that gloriously ugly moment later.

First up, Osher arrives to give the first envelope of the series. Walking in, he flips the peace sign. I can’t help but wonder if it was a spur of the moment thing he thought he’d try out and then immediately regretted it afterwards. Kind of like the other week when I described something I liked as “fresh” and nobody said anything but we all knew I should probably never say that again.

“Fresh!”

Jake scores the first date with Georgia and, early on a weekday morning, he’s whisked away to the Blue Mountains to meet her. They get strapped into a harness, attached to a long string and just dangle in a canyon for a while. I’d honestly rather be stuck in school traffic.

Later, as the first cheese platter of the series is plated up, they chat about their lives and they connect and they relate and things get emotional and then the first kiss of the series happens.

It’s a morning of firsts and I’m glad we’ve got it out of the way.

The first cheese wheel leads to the first pash.

Things finally get interesting when the remaining boys go on a group date with Georgia.

It’s unusual for one of the rural dates to happen so early in the series, but producers are trying to keep our attention with men dressed as cowboys.

Arriving at some farm, the guys are informed they’ll be posing for sexy photos to be used on the cover of various Mills & Boon novels. They pretend to be all shy about it but secretly love it. Personally, I thought the outback setting should have been used for a date where they recreate the Madonna Don’t Tell Me video clip, but that’s just me.

The boys are split up into groups for the photos and get dressed in their best country gear.

While throwing on their best flannelettes, tension flares when the fellas start asking Rhys and Sam for modelling advice. “I’VE NEVER DONE IT IN MY LIFE,” a defensive Sam tells them, panicked he’s about to be outed as a model.

Rhys, who’s an out and proud model, seems to know something we don’t and keeps hinting that Sam’s actually big on the modelling scene. On one hand, I get it — it’s kind of offensive when one of your own is ashamed of his modelling lifestyle. But on the other hand, if a person wants to model behind closed doors that’s his business and nobody elses, you know what I mean?

I think the real issue here is that we’re still living in a world where models are subjected to such bigotry and abuse in society. I look forward to the day where models don’t have to talk about their upcoming David Jones catalogue shoot in hushed tones. They should not be shamed into hiding in the closet alongside the clothes they’re secretly modelling.

When you’re a loud and proud model.

Anyway, if you’ve seen McCleod’s Daughters you’ve basically seen most of this group date.

It’s a bit of a snooze until it comes to the photoshoot Rhys and Sam are in.

Rhys gets told he’ll have to strip his flano off and pour a bucket of water on himself. Sam gets told to leave his flano on and hold an axe in the background.

“He was frothing on it and he couldn’t wait to get his shirt off in front of everyone,” Sam sneers about Rhys.

~He’s a dream ~

As Rhys strips off and goes all Flashdance with the bucket of water, I look down at the empty packet of Pods on my desk and the half-empty packet of red licorice I’ve been fisting into my food hole and I feel really great about myself.

Flicking away the biscuit crumbs off my chest, tension rises again when Rhys hints at Sam’s modelling past in front of Georgia.

“Just a few Big W campaigns,” Sam mumbles.

Afterwards, Sam confides in us that he doesn’t want Georgia to know he’s a model because of the stigma attached to the MSFD (Model, Stylist, Fashionista, Designer) community.

Sam’s been getting riled up by Rhys all day and when the cocktail party finally rolls around in the evening, things get ugly. Like, non-model ugly.

Sam hates Rhys. For Sam, Rhys is that person who annoys you so much even the way they drink their coffee is just infuriating to watch. “Ugh, look at them drinking their coffee ... bitch,” you whisper.

Across the backyard, Sam watches Rhys talking.

“Look at Rhys. No personality. Just all kook,” he tells no one in particular.

When Georgia finally arrives, Sam races over to nab her for the first one-on-one time of the evening. He then proceeds to talk about the two things he hates talking about: Rhys. And modelling.

Aaron encourages Rhys to interrupt Sam’s one-on-one time and Courtney makes the same facial expression we all do.

When you know it’s not a good idea but you’re also not going to say anything.

Needless to say, the interruption leaves Sam perturbed. So he comes up with an apt metaphor for Rhys.

“That’s the end of Rhys. Just let him do whatever he wants. He’s having a shocker. And he just keeps rolling and the snowball gets bigger and bigger until it finally hits the big douchebag wall and there’s Rhys like, ‘Hey, I’m at home. Where are you guys? Got left behind’.”

That actually sounds like a really dope movie plot and I’ve already stolen the idea and put in a request to Screen Australia for funding. I want Cate Blanchett to play the big douche bag wall. I’m still casting the role of the Rhys Snowball.

Anyway, Rhys uses his time wisely by reading a really bad poem. Pre-empting the crapness, he informs Georgia he’s not a journalist, and I’m pretty sure he means poet.

Lights, cameras. A whole production

The night we met was like in seduction

Not on your end, you were more than fine

If we had no spark, the blame was all mine

A joke. A smile. A ba dum tish

What we really need is a fun single date

I’ll be myself. I won’t compete. Like a gentleman.

Till then, I’ll wait.

Sam has strong feelings about the Eisteddfod recital.

Nup.

By now, Sam is fed up and he lets rip to the other boys — complete with a really bad impression of Rhys.

“The biggest peanut on this set came in and asked: ‘Hey Georgia, can I please have some ... can I please cut your grass ... I’d love to have some time with you,’” Sam says, putting on that same voice you do when your younger sibling says something dumb and you repeat it.

“I’m gonna tell mum.”

But a funny voice isn’t enough. He then mimes putting on Harry Potter glasses and pulls his hair over his face in an attempt to really embody the character of Rhys.

Full Daniel Day-Lewis.

When it comes time for the rose ceremony, it’s a difficult decision. While both Sam and Rhys are obnoxious bozos, I don’t want either of them to go. I want to see how far this whole Mean Girls thing goes and I still need time to decide who’s the Regina and who’s the Cady.

It comes down to Heath Ledger and Ben. And Georgia gives Heath the final rose stump.

“I was hoping I was going to experience that feeling where you swallow a rainbow,” Ben says.

I think there’s a Snapchat filter for that. And that’s all the advice I can think of right now.

For more observations on the MSFD community and Mars Pods, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.

Heath and Ben.