James Weir recaps The Bachelorette Australia 2016 episode 1

BACHELORETTE Georgia Love made a hilarious but embarrassing start, tumbling over in front of all the boys on the very first night.

AFTER Richie became the most hated man in Australia last week and made the broken heart emoji more popular than the sneaky poop emoji, you’d be forgiven for thinking love is dead.

And it is. But we’re giving it another chance.

The Bachelor mansion has been vacuumed out and a busload of 16 single men has pulled up — all of them looking to impress one gal.

Some of them are hot. A lot of them are obnoxious. And most of them are basically your older brother’s weird friend from high school.

To get you up to speed, Georgia Love is a 27-year-old journalist and lives in Tasmania, but is super quick to point out she’s actually from Melbourne.

“I’ve quit my job and my career to be on The Bachelorette,” she tells us, and I’m sure Germaine Greer would do the same given the opportunity.

Georgia was working as a television reporter in Tasmania, but decided to throw it all in to find love. She does not say the decision to be The Bachelorette is to further her career on TV and get a gig back on the mainland — and I’m not going to suggest for a second that’s her motivation.

While Georgia likes to continually point out she’s left her media career behind, it doesn’t stop her from talking like she’s reporting live on the scene at the opening of a new Harvey Norman in Launceston.

She’s introduced in a very sparkly and preened fashion, but it all comes crashing down (literally) during her grand entrance to the first cocktail party - when she absolutely stacks it. Hard.

We can only assume her collapse was caused by the sudden hit of an overwhelming stench of Lynx.

Direct quote: “Oh kill me now.” More on that later.

So, who are these remarkable young men Georgia is literally falling for?

“It’s like being in Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory,” one of them describes the impending experience as.

Well, let’s meet some of the boys inside that Willie Factory.

Ben’s a 32-year-old miner from The Gong who should not stray too far from bathroom facilities.

“I’ve done three nervous poos before I even got here,” he whispers in Georgia’s ear as he embraces her.

One nervous poo would’ve been cute. Three’s just gross.

Next up is 29-year-old Rhys who, after graduating from Hogwarts, went on to become an “entrepreneur slash model”. A lot of people don’t know this, but Webster’s defines entrepreneur as someone who lives in a garage and uses their parents’ money to fund various apps.

Rhys gifts us with the first wanky sentence of the night.

“My friends say it’s not fair because I was born with good looks,” he confesses. “I’m like, well, you know you can go to the gym too and do your hair nicer and dress nice.” Here’s hoping someone says something mean to Rhys in the mansion just so we can hear more of these razor-sharp comebacks.

This look takes you from a Quidditch match to the accounting firm.

Staying in a similar field, let’s meet Carlos. He’s also 29 and an entrepreneur — but will happily accept the title of “business mogul”. With two of them in the one series, it needs to be asked: When did “entrepreneur” become a legitimate job title? Just say what you actually do. Even if you are a self-made magnate, it’s all about being semi-humble and gradually leading up to the revelation that you’re a total boss.

At a party, when some idiot meets Mark Zuckerberg and they ask, “Hey man, what do you do?” He doesn’t say, “I invented Facebook”. He’d say, “I work in social media”.

And the dumb party guest would be like, “Oh nice, like tweeting?” And Mark would be like, “Nah, at Facebook”.

Then they’d ask, “Ah sweet, so coding?”

And only then, after a tedious build up, would Mark perhaps mumble, “No, nah, like, I kinda came up with it,” while scrunching up his nose and waving his right hand as if to shoo it away like it’s no big deal.

My point is, I felt uncomfortable when we all started describing Miranda Kerr as an entrepreneur after she released a body lotion — so I absolutely cannot maintain a straight face while calling Rhys and Carlos entrepreneurs.

By now you’re all sick of the word “entrepreneur”. But you’re also wondering what kind of entrepreneurial stuff Carlos dabbles in. He says restaurants and nightclubs. And he’s also a stripper. I hear Trump does that on the side, too.

Using dem dollar bills, Carlos bought a Tiffany bracelet for Georgia and surprises her with it. She says she wishes she had something to give him in return.

“If it starts with an R and ends with an E, I won’t mind,” he replies, clearly asking for a rake.

Just Carlos entrepreneuring and sh*t.

But Carlos isn’t the only guy who decides to pull out the big guns with a bracelet. Courtney does as well. Only his was made of macaroni and I’m legitimately impressed. Hand to heart, I would marry any guy who threaded carbs onto string and draped it on my body.

When you’re one of 16 guys trying to impress a gal, you want to stand out from the crowd. Sometimes wearing a fun bow tie isn’t going to cut it and you have to go next level with livestock.

35-year-old Lee decides to bring a donkey wearing a sombrero. He doesn’t own the donkey. I don’t know who does. At least last year when that guy with the Jared Leto hair showed up with an owl it’s because it was his best friend.

I’m also not sure what’s going to happen with the donkey now. Will it just hang out in the backyard of the mansion under that gazebo? Or will it also not receive a rose at the end of the night and have to do a post-eviction monologue in the back of the limo as it drives away?

So far, it seems the donkey’s only purpose is so Lee can crack a pun about his “ass”.

That face you make when you’re a donkey and some dummy makes another “ass” joke.

Rivalling Carlos for the biggest d-bag of the group is Sam. Sam’s a 32-year-old Sydney electrician who’s great at pretending he doesn’t know he’s being filmed while showering.

“Oh hai I didn’t see you there.”

He says really charming things like: “I’ve never had to put too much effort into chasing girls — usually they come to me” and “you have to be a special girl to keep my attention longer than a week”.

So ladies, if you love both assholes and a challenge, Sam is your guy.

When Sam isn’t being obnoxious, he enjoys asking basic questions.

He hits Georgia with a rapid-fire round.

“Cats or dogs?”

“Pineapple on a pizza?”

“Soccer or football?”

The correct answer to all of these is who cares.

Mingling inside the mansion, all the boys try to be overly masculine by calling each other “lad” and growling things like, “Ah he’s a good lookin’ rooster!”

It’s so uncomfortable when straight, privileged, inner-city boys try to act a bit rougher than required. It’s like when you see a lawyer driving a Hilux. WTF do you need a trayback for?

The boys get told about some new rules that are in place.

While The Bachelor has “the white rose”, they have their own version called “the first impression rose”. It’s just an orange rose and I don’t know why it can’t just be called “the orange rose”.

Anyway, the guy Georgia gives it to will receive immunity in the rose ceremony. They’ll also receive the “golden date card” which gives them control over the dates for an entire week.

Georgia finally enters, and it’s the moment of that epic stack.

“The smell. It was just ... overpowering.”

When she returns to consciousness, all the boys compete for one-on-one time with her and form a line-up like their waiting to buy three-for-$30 DVDs at JB Hi-Fi on a Saturday.

Then Rhys kicks things up a notch by challenging the boys to a yoga-off.

To be honest, given his background in wizardry, it probably isn’t a fair fight and I’m pretty sure I hear him whisper “wingardium leviosa” under his breath.

“It’s LeviOsa, not LevioSA.”

While the other boys get hot and heavy doing downward dog on each other, Courtney jumps the queue and scores some one-on-one time with Georgia. When talk turns to work, he tells her he invented some medical wristband that saves children’s lives. She’s impressed and she gives him the orange rose stump.

A rose-eatin’ grin.

Like most boozy nights out with a bunch of straight boys, the party ends with someone getting a home haircut. When Clancy first met Georgia, he got her attention by handing her a beard trimmer and telling her to shave off his face pubes if she wasn’t into them.

She takes him up on the offer in the backyard.

Chic.

Distributing the rose stumps at the end of the night, the result is bitter sweet. First up, we say goodbye to some guy. If a crime was committed and the cops showed me his picture I’d have to tell them I’ve never seen him before in my life and it would be the honest truth.

And Carlos is also sent packing. It’s sad, but entrepreneuring isn’t going to entrepreneur itself, you know what I mean? I think I read that in Richard Branson’s memoir.

When he kisses Georgia goodbye, he lingers just a tad too long, waiting for her to hand back the Tiffany bracelet. She doesn’t. And that’s what being a total boss is all about.

I also read that in Branson’s memoir.

For more observations on entrepreneuring and three-for-$30 DVDs, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.

Carlos and someone guy.