James Weir recaps Seven Year Switch series 2 episode 6

IT WAS meant to be the “perfect first date”. So much for that. Instead, this Seven Year Switch couple went through something so confronting it can’t be unseen.

ONE girlfriend has been left so traumatised by her experimental partner’s “perfect date” on Seven Year Switch it’s as if someone squirted water up her butt without warning.

And that’s because they did.

When it comes to the perfect first date, dinner and drinks are out. It’s all about the dual televised colonic, haven’t you heard?

On Tuesday night’s episode of Seven Year Switch, all the experimental couples are tasked with planning a “perfect first date” with each other. Inappropriate massages, mermaid fetishes and old people sports are all brought to the table. But there’s one date that beats them all.

“We’re going for a colonic — just to wash all our sins away,” Michael explains.

Kaitlyn takes one thing away from this.

”You’re gonna see me poop?” she exclaims, petrified of what’s to come.

Oh, Kaitlyn. Michael’s not just gonna see you poop. One or two clinic assistants will also be there. And then it will be broadcast around the nation. So millions will see you poop.

Look alive, Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn has concerns about the date: “It’s not at the top of my list because I’d rather not see someone else’s faeces.”

At the clinic, we get a close up of the tube that’s getting inserted into Michael and Kaitlin’s b-holes.

It’s what you do with it, guys.

Michael gets comfortable before a clinic assistant blasts the water — and he immediately looks fresher and lighter.

FYI at this point Michael has a tube in his butt.

Michael, Kaitlyn, the nurses and us then crowd around a series of pipes and watch what ... comes out.

We don’t see anything out of the ordinary come out of there except Michael’s lost house keys from a few years ago. That was a fun surprise.

I’d like two of these for my lounge room.

For her perfect date, Kaitlyn organises for the water to be outside of their bodies rather than inside.

“We’re mermaiding! We’re gonna be mermaids! We’re both gonna gets fins and we’re gonna be mermaids!” she screams at Michael while holding shells over her boobs as he drives along the highway, tossing up whether he should floor it over the railing and into the ocean to see if they truly are mermaids because que sera sera, you know what I mean?

“Part of thaaaatttt woooorrrrrllllddddd.”

After spending a good 20 minutes watching Michael and Kaitlyn almost drown, we head over to Johnny and Stacey Louise’s perfect dates. Stacey Louise seems to be going out of her way to tell us all she likes having sex.

“We haven’t had sex for a LONG TIME so I’m missing Sarge in that way. I just need to catch up with him and get that over and done with and then I can think properly again,” she reveals to us without provocation.

Over a dinner date with Johnny, she crowbars her sex life into the conversation again.

“Why don’t you look me in the eye when you cheers? You’re supposed to look me in the eye — I think it’s seven years bad sex,” she says coyly.

Stacey Louise’s mention of this totally made-up trivial fact only encourages Johnny to not look her in the eye ever again.

*Shudders*

Here we are thinking this is a safe space, free of Stacey Louise’s unwanted sexual revelations. But at this bizarre early-afternoon dinner date, she keeps rolling out her bedroom facts.

“ ... The physical chemistry Sarge and I have has probably kept us together. That’s my idea of fun. And that doesn't cost anything,” she shares with a sparkle in her eye as I flip channels to get away from the confronting admissions.

When it’s time for Stacey Louise to show us her perfect date, it involves getting naked with Johnny for a sensual couple’s massage.

“I think it’s my cheeky way of getting him undressed on the first date,” she beams.

For the whole 60 minute massage, she creepily stares at Johnny getting rubbed down from her own massage table.

Put your head in the weird cushioned hole, lady.

Across town, Stacey Louise’s real life partner Sarge has proudly organised his perfect first date with his experimental partner Tracey.

It’s a stark contrast.

“The reason I chose outdoor lawn bowls is it’s a little romantic,” he tells us, unknowingly pinpointing the issue ruining his relationship.

As Sarge explains the sexual nuances of lawn bowls, overlay footage plays of really old people have a rousing game on the green.

And honestly, I’d rather have a televised colonic.

For more observations on other inappropriate first date locations and The Little Mermaid, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir

Mmm roll that ball.