James Weir recaps Married At First Sight series 4 episode 4

AFTER going through with the wedding, a “happy” bride ditched her new husband, smokebombing and leaving him alone in a pub.

JUST when you think one bride’s severe disappointment over her husband’s lack of Polynesian heritage is the most startling moment to come out of Married At First Sight, another seemingly-happy bride goes and kicks things up a notch by ditching her husband in a pub and escaping the marriage entirely.

It seems it finally happened. A bride has taken a look at the man the experts thought she’d be a perfect fit for and said: “Nup”. Only, she did it in a more diplomatic way: by marrying him, pretending to be happy and then smoke-bombing and escaping without warning — leaving her husband in a sea of drunk 20-somethings on a nightclub dance floor.

If I’m ever going to get divorced, this is exactly how I want to do it.

Between the smokebomb and another bride’s complete astonishment that her husband is not from the Polynesian islands as per her request, we’re also witness to an uncomfortably long argument about soft textured ponytails. But come to think of it, I fear I’ve buried the lead. The real story tonight is this wedding guest’s hair that is so tall it requires base camps so tourists can climb it.

When your hairstyle is actually breaking council zoning restrictions.

Now, to the bride who pretended to be happy and then smokebombed on her husband in a bar.

Meet Lauren, a 33-year-old single mum who sells cars. After watching her close a deal on a pre-owned Mazda, we find out she’s paired with Andrew. He’s a 38-year-old firefighter-slash-school teacher which is an unexpectedly sexy combination.

Andrew and Lauren are matched by the same computer program that chooses Cher’s outfits in Clueless.

Lauren has the brash confidence of one of those girls who hangs out with more blokes than chicks and pretends she’s into football. She’s a tell-it-like-it-is kinda gal, which is an insufferable quality in real life but a terrific trait for reality TV. At first, Lauren seems to be carefree but we soon find out she’s a bit of an anxious mess.

We get our first glimpse of this on the morning of her wedding day when she becomes huffy at her bridesmaid, Jasmine, and throws a petty tantrum over soft-textured ponytails.

“Jasmiiiinnnneee,” she whines when the bridesmaid suggests Lauren style her hair out to go with her strapless wedding dress. Lauren can’t believe Jasmine would even dare suggest an “out” hair style when everyone knows she’s has been dreaming of soft-textured ponytails for her wedding day ever since she was five.

“For f*cks sake! You wanted your hair out because of YOU,” Lauren accuses Jasmine. “Yeah you did. You reckon you look better with your hair out — that’s what it was about.”

A perfectly reasonable reaction when someone says you can’t have a soft textured ponytail.

The soft-textured ponytail triggers an even bigger anxiety attack. Lauren swings through a range of emotions.

“I feel ugly!” she cries as her hair is pulled back into the desired soft textured ponytail.

“I’ve literally got sweat dripping from between my legs,” she frets.

“I’m bloated! I look fat! This is ridiculous. This is p*ssing me off,” she wails throughout the morning.

But by the time Lauren gets down the aisle to meet and marry Andrew, she’s managed to relax and she’s as calm and casual as a soft textured ponytail. Apart from a slight disappointment with his height, they’re both into each other and they kiss heaps into the night. Lauren tells Andrew about her kid and he’s totally cool with it. At the reception, Andrew sings an original song he’s written and Lauren loves it even though it’s actually embarrassing to witness.

Gross.

At this point of the episode, Lauren and Andrew seem so happy together it’s actually boring and I’ve already made plans to exclude them from this recap entirely.

But then it cuts to black. We hear a dial tone and the recorded voice of a phone message bank plays out.

The morning light is pouring in through the hotel room windows, and an unshaven Andrew is on the couch with bags under his eyes. He looks stressed. He calls a phone number over and over. It’s Lauren. She doesn’t answer.

“Came back from the wedding. Everything was good. She seemed to be having a really good time,” he tells us.

He says they came back to the hotel room after the reception, and then they decided to go out for a few more drinks.

“ ... The closest bar was quite busy, looked fun. I turned around, and Lauren had vanished. She’d gone. Didn’t say goodbye. Didn’t say where she was going. And that’s literally the last I spoke to her.”

Andrew tries to stop Lauren freaking out by stalking her with 70 missed calls.

All this happens in the final 30 seconds of the episode and we don’t find out where Lauren went or why she ditched Andrew.

Maybe she didn’t dump him. Looking at it rationally, maybe she went to the bathroom to check if her soft textured ponytail was still in place and when she came back she couldn’t find him. Maybe she met someone in the club who was in the market for a reasonably-priced, pre-owned Mazda and she took them to the car yard to test drive and close the deal.

Maybe she’ll reappear after five days but just play dumb and be like, “What are you talking about I’ve totally been here with you the entire time”.

Really, these are the only three plausible options and we’ll just have to wait until tomorrow to find out which scenario occurred.

While all this is going on, our other couple — John and Deborah — are getting married down in Melbourne. While they’re both 53-years-old, that’s where their similarities begin and end.

Yes they’re old get over it.

John has two daughters, smokes and sticks his tongue out whenever he says something that’s meant to be funny.

Debbie is a former model, doesn’t talk above an airy, childlike whisper and proudly informs us she’s been writing a children’s book for “16 years now”.

She also calls herself a “creative” and I totally beg to differ.

I’m gonna say Deb is as good a painter as she is a children’s book author.

Debbie only talks in mystical phrases that sound like they’ve been stolen from Stevie Nicks’ private diaries.

“I’m sparkling with anticipation,” she beams.

Throughout the episode, she specifically tells us several time she hopes to be paired with a Polynesian man.

On her wedding day, Debbie finds time to go to the Byron Bay Blues & Roots Festival to steal the biggest flower crown she can find off some 21-year-old girl’s head before flying back down to Melbourne for the beachside ceremony.

“I foraged for it myself”

“We’ve got something very special planned for my entrance this morning. It’s to do with tradition and culture — it’s a surprise,” she whispers to us from the back of her Kombie van and we’re all scared and excited.

Moments later, she theatrically appears out of the sand dunes, sitting on a floral-covered raft — not unlike the one Beyonce was sitting in front of for her pregnancy announcement this week. Four men in tropical shirts carry her in. It’s really quite something.

This is how I’ll be entering all rooms from now on.

Deb’s loving every second of it, but her joy turns to complete astonishment when she comes face-to-face with John.

“When I first went up there I was a bit confused. I didn’t know if he was my husband or not. I was expecting a Polynesian person from the islands. So I was taken aback that he wasn’t that,” she says hazily.

“Oh.”

She’s completely confused and, for the whole ceremony, can’t wrap her head around the fact John isn’t Polynesian.

“He isn’t quite what I was expecting. I was after someone from the Polynesian islands,” she reiterates, thinking some big mistake has been made by the experts.

But she begrudgingly goes through with the wedding.

And while she eventually lets John have somewhat of a kiss, her heart — nor or face — are in it.

“Blurgh.”

For more observations about pre-owned Mazdas and hair zoning restrictions, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir