James Weir recaps Married At First Sight season 3, finale

AFTER booze-fuelled incidents, it made sense that one MAFS couple would call it quits. But in the finale, they made the most disastrous decision of the series.

IT’S widely known that one out of three couples who were fake married on TV will split up in the series finale. Basically it’s a scientific fact - kind of like how if you eat chocolate for breakfast rather than later in the day, you won’t gain weight.

And on Tuesday night’s finale of Married At First Sight, science was put to the test as the three remaining couples spent time apart before reuniting and deciding if they’ll continue their relationship.

When we catch up with Nicole, she still isn’t talking to Keller after another booze-fuelled incident which saw him get so drunk he didn’t realise he got a tattoo.

When she finally meets up with Keller, we could have predicted how it unfolded.

He gives her a bunch of carnations.

She lies and says she loves carnations because sometimes it’s about being the bigger person.

She has doubts over his behaviour and maturity and he says he’s “extremely sorry”.

And then she calls him a name.

Word.

Nicole isn’t the only one with doubts about which way her relationship should go.

Getting ready to spend time apart, Monica expresses some concerns about Mark.

“I do question whether Mark really gets me,” she tells us.

“For me, I really connect to somebody that I can have quite intense conversations with. I put a lot of thought into what I say. And Mark is probably a little different in that respect.”

Her comments seem a little bit toffee-nosed.

Personally, I think Mark puts a lot of thought into the things that come out of his mouth.

“I think some things are meant to be,” we see Monica tell Mark.

“Like eating steak,” he replies with a knowing glint in his eye.

Monica wonders deeply about the strength of their relationship and she can’t seem to see it’s as weak and disposable as the over-the-weight-limit-airport-bag she’s packing her crap into.

Like her relationship, this won’t remain intact for an entire flight.

On the Gold Coast, Michael’s concerned that Bella doesn’t want to move in with him permanently after the experiment.

Bella deals with his concerns by tickling her naked body with a brush.

Carrie would do the same thing.

With doubts and questions swirling around their little heads, everyone goes their separate ways to think about whether they want to stay with their scientifically-matched partner.

A few days later, the couples meet again with the experts and we find out if they choose to stay together, or if their relationship has met the same fate as this rock with a face driving a smashed-up car.

An artist’s impression of all three marriages.

Similar to a car crash is Bella revealing all about her sex life, and the experts manage to get her talking about it one last time.

“I notice you value sex in your relationship really highly,” one of the psychologists asks with a smirk in the hope Bella will try pass off another Carrie Bradshaw monologue as her own.

“Obviously I think it’s a massive part of a relationship. You know, I think in past relationships, once the sex is gone then the relationship is. So I think it’s so important to keep that strong in a relationship,” she tells us.

To be honest, it seems like a missed opportunity to not use the term “zsa zsa zsu” like Carrie did in season five, episode eight of Sex & The City, and I’m sure Bella’s kicking herself in hindsight.

Michael’s wheeled into the room and they deliver their verdicts to each other.

“I am so in love with you and 150 per cent wanna continue this relationship with you,” Bella beams.

But Michael wants to teach her a lesson.

“I did have doubt about whether you actually wanted this or whether you were ready for it,” he tells her. “But I 150 per cent want to be with you as well, so it’s a yes.”

While it’s always much more fun when one partner is rejected by the other, the fact that Bella’s forgotten she’s just suddenly become a stepmum kind of makes up for it.

Not Carrie and Big.

Next up are Mark and Monica. Realistically, these two are more believable as brother and sister than anything else.

Mark describes his wife as “so easy to live with” and “such a fun person”.

It’s the same way you describe the loser you found on Gumtree to pay way too much rent for the tiny spare bedroom in your apartment. Anyway, he’s keen to keep things going.

“For me, the worry is after the experiment will we still be as open and honest with one another?” Monica replies. “I’m very logical and I have put a lot of thought into this decision. But I would also like to continue and stay married.”

Her decision does not match the logical personality she claims to have.

They seal the deal with an explosive fist pump and we wish Monica a happy life, paying way too much rent for Mark’s tiny spare bedroom.

Ross and Monica Gellar are staying together.

So, two out of these three TV marriages have remained intact and the third is guaranteed to swirl around the toilet. It’s basically a scientific fact, kind of like how if you eat chocolate for breakfast rather than later in the day, you won’t gain weight.

Keller’s still nervous over the way things ended with Nicole and he’s scared about what the outcome will be. He says he regrets his actions and is totally remorseful.

“Even heroes have the right to bleed — I think is the expression,” he tells us confidently, and I’m pretty sure it’s not really an expression, but just a lyric from that annoying Five For Fighting song.

He tells Nicole he thinks it would be “crazy for us not to continue”.

Over the past three days, Nicole’s had a lot of down time and practiced some great facial reactions.

I think this facial expression looks different in her head.

“This is hard, um,” she begins, thinking of a way that will let him down easy but also let him know where he F-ed up.

“I’ve been thinking about the doubts I’ve had recently. And I’ve decided that you really let me down.”

And then she makes a bad decision.

“ ... And I’m sorry but you’re gonna have to put up with me for a little bit longer!” she giggles excitedly.

Nicole and Keller decide to stay together - overthrowing scientific proof that at least one out of three couples who were fake married on TV will split up in the series finale.

This raises a lot of questions and also might throw that “chocolate for breakfast” fact up in the air.

Skipping away from the experts, we listen to Nicole and Keller fantasise about their bright future. And it seems as safe and secure as this rock with a face driving a smashed-up car.

“Hai.”

For more observations on rocks driving cars and over-the-weight-limit-airport-bags, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.