James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2023 finale part 2

One of the men on Farmer Wants A Wife has been left shattered by his own decision in the show’s finale. James Weir recaps.

The second instalment of the Farmer Wants A Wife finale trilogy.

Two city girls have their hearts crushed like sugar cane on Sunday night’s second instalment of the Farmer Wants A Wife finale and are promptly stripped of their CWA recipe books before getting dragged back to the big smoke on a horse-drawn carriage.

After eight weeks, it’s time for our remaining farmers Brenton and Brad to decide between their final two ladies. The end is near.

We’re excited. Mainly because it means we’ll no longer have to hear them all pronounce the word “girls” as “gewlz”.

But before the decisions are made, the farmers must meet the gewlz’ families and visit their home towns.

Up in Brisbane, Morgan goes out of her way to show Brad how tres chic the big smoke is by greeting him with a $2 coffee from 7-11.

What a good gewlfriend.

Then Brad heads down to Tamworth, where Clare’s mum offers a specific review of her potential son-in-law that makes us cock our heads.

“He’s pretty stylish,” she gushes.

Um, not to sound disrespectful, but … do we know if she met the right person? Maybe one of the boyish TV producers greeted her and she just assumed he was the farmer.

It’s not that Brad’s not stylish, per se. It’s just, his wardrobe consists of one flanno and a battered old hat.

Exhibit A: Brad, style icon.

The decision ceremonies on Farmer Wants A Wife are very different to those that play out on Married At First Sight. There’s a distinct lack of … what’s the word? Feralness.

When people get dumped on the MAFS finales, there are tears and tantrums and bitter monologues. But on Farmer Wants A Wife, the dumped finalists just politely shrug and say, “Yeah, nah, no worries,” before slinking off to quietly cry in the back of the sponsorship Isuzu.

This is what happens when Farmer Brad delivers his big decision.

“We could be mates forever,” he tells Morgan. “But, unfortunately, Morgs, I … yeah … It’s hard for me to say-”

Say no more, Bradley. Morgs knows what’s comin’.

“It’s all good. No stress,” she smiles.

She retires to the Isuzu to share her true heartbreak.

“Right now, it hurts a lot,” she sniffs.

Well, stop being so goddam polite and express that hurt in a bitter monologue like those freaks on MAFS. We came here for entertainment.

‘Yeah, nah, yeah, that’s fine, no worries, yeah, best of luck, nah, all good, yeah.’

This means Brad chooses Clare. He shares the wonderful news by insulting her first.

“You really struggled with a lot of it and your stress and your awkwardness with the whole thing,” he furrows his brow.

Aww. Cute. You should go down to Prouds and get that engraved on a bracelet for her.

Congratulations to Farmer Brad and his awkward, stressed wife.

Meanwhile, Farmer Brenton is in the middle of his own home visits tour. We find him down in Victoria, meeting Sophie’s family.

Usually, it’s a judgy mum or surly brother or no-nonsense dad who makes the suitors uncomfortable on these visits. But this time, it’s nan.

“When she first told me she was going on this … show … I thought, ‘Oh dear’,” grandma Janice rolls her eyes.

Grandma Janice knows what’s up.

Across the country in Rachel’s hometown, she ditches her family and takes Brenton on a horse and carriage ride, so they can pash while whizzing past strangers. This is the kind of nonsense Sophie’s grandma Janice is talking about.

Oh dear, indeed.

But a carriage pash sesh isn’t enough to win Brenton’s heart. He chooses Sophie. And while dumping Rachel, he breaks down – shattered by the choice he has to make.

“It’s hard to say goodbye to someone you spent two months living with, but …” he wells up before turning away from the camera and covering his face with his jacket to sob. “It just had to be done.”

“I know I’ll be OK, it just hurts at the moment,” Rachel says, holding back tears.

He nods. “You’re an amazing gewl.”

May we doff our Akubras for all the gewlz.

L: Rachel gets shipped back to the city. R: Brenton breaks down. Inset: Farmer found a wife.