James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2023 finale: Part 1

The Farmer Wants A Wife finale has finished in startling scenes, with a dumped finalist collapsing on-air. James Weir recaps.

One of the city girls dramatically collapses on-air after being dumped during Sunday’s first instalment of the Farmer Wants A Wife finale trilogy.

It’s a startling end to a wholesome episode. And just as producers send a radio message to the Royal Flying Doctor Service, the jilted finalist wakes up. She’s groggy and her memory’s a little fuzzy. She can’t quite remember what just happened.

So she has to get dumped again.

Farmer Matt and Farmer David are the first cowboys tasked with deciding between their final two ladies tonight. We watch as they set off on home visits, to meet the girls’ families. This means two things: judgy mums, and dads who try their best to seem menacing.

Down in Wollongong, Olivia’s family are still wrapping their heads around the concept of Farmer Wants A Wife.

“Would you live in Wollongong and commute there? Or would you live … there?” Olivia’s sister asks.

Turns out, everyone thought the farm was an optional part of the deal. Including Olivia.

Olivia says she might just do weekends at the farm — jet in and jet out. This catches Matt by surprise.

We all giggle. It’s the best part of the show and it happens every season — all the city girls finally reveal they don’t want to actually move to the farms. Then they ask the farmers if they’d be willing to move to the city, as if cattle and cane can just be relocated to the rooftop garden of a Meriton apartment tower.

Why won’t you compromise and move your farm to the CBD?

Matt then heads up to Annabelle’s family home on the Central Coast, where he makes a fantastic first impression by talking about poop while everyone eats dinner.

“I’ve had her pickin’ up sheep poo and shovelling chook shit outta the yard,” he says.

Dad picks up the tongs to start serving. “Beef?”

Hot tip: keep small talk limited to what show you’re currently hate-watching on Netflix

After dinner, Matt and Annabelle set off for their final date. The sun’s going down and they jump aboard a boat. They wrap their arms around each other and look back at the pristine coastline.

“Do you think you could see yourself …” Annabelle begins to ask.

Uh-oh. We know the question that’s about to come. Can you see yourself maybe one day moving here?

At the last moment, she changes tact.

“Do you think you could see yourself … Visiting here?”

Matt has to stop himself from throwing his body overboard. Another city girl who thought the “farm” part of Farmer Wants A Wife was optional.

He doesn’t get mad. He just gets passive aggressive.

“I could definitely see myself VISITING here … for a HOLIDAY,” he replies.

Point taken: Matt will only be visiting — and definitely not moving — here.

Back at shore, Annabelle is positive Matt will pick her in his final decision. “In my heart of hearts, I think it could be me.”

It is not her.

“I’m just really sorry … but I’ve fallen for someone else,” Matt tells her at the decision ceremony.

Annabelle’s heartbroken. She can’t believe she shovelled chook shit for this.

Silver lining: You don’t have to move to a farm!

Of course, this means Olivia has won Matt’s heart. And we have no doubt she’ll totally move to the farm. Eventually. One day. Further down the track. If it gets a Myer.

Oliva is never moving to that damn farm.

Meanwhile, Farmer David’s up in Brisbane, meeting Emily’s family. They sit on the patio, attempting small talk. The sound of cicadas singing fills the awkward silence.

David mentions he used to be a civil engineer, working in bridge construction.

Mum perks up, hopeful. Maybe he could ditch that stupid farm and get a job in the city, she thinks. “So … you’re done with that, or?” she inquires.

“Yeah,” David grunts.

Mum slumps back in her chair. David bites his tongue. It’s a good thing Emily has already promised to move to the far-

Emily backflips on her promise to move to the farm. She refuses to commit to a relocation until she finds out if she’s the girl David picks — but David can’t pick until one of the girls commits to moving. Producers really should make it clear on the application form that moving to a farm is a big part of Farmer Wants A Wife.

Now, David, are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE you don’t wanna revisit that engineering degree?

Finally, it’s time to check in on Lorelei, David’s second lady. Let’s not even bother going to her hometown visit – there’s more interesting stuff to get to. We’re gonna jump right ahead.

At the decision ceremony, Lorelei walks to the end of a jetty built over a lake on David’s farm. Super romantic. You can almost smell the blue-green algae. They smile nervously at each other. She really wants this.

“I hope you know just how much I adore you,” David says. “You’re so incredible and every moment that we spend together has just concreted how incredible I think you are.”

We know where this is going. He’s listing too many compliments. This always ends in a dumping.

“I came here to find love and pave a future on the farm and it breaks my heart to have to tell you … I’ve fallen so heavily for someone else,” he eventually says.

She closes her eyes and leans into him. He wraps his arms around her. Then everything goes blurry.

Finally, something’s happening.

“Ah, sorry,” she whispers, lightly touching her face. “I really don’t feel well.”

She closes her eyes and starts breathing heavily. That’s when her knees buckle. David holds her up.

“Get me that box!” he instructs a production assistant, who rushes over.

David lowers her onto the makeshift chair.

The PA talks into his headset, calling for help.

After a few moments, Lorelei comes to, resting her forehead on David’s. It’s one last sweet, private moment. Then the production assistant huffs back over and tells Lorelei she has 30 seconds to vacate the jetty so they can usher on what’s-her-face to tell her she’s won.

The second instalment of the Farmer Wants A Wife finale trilogy airs next Sunday.

Emily, we’ll be doing random farm inspections to make sure you actually did move there.