James Weir recaps Big Brother Australia 2021 episode 5

A vicious plan to take down one Big Brother contestant is stuffed up royally before a mean insult rubs salt in the wound.

Cracks start to form on Monday night’s Big Brother when a secret mission to blindside a contestant gets double-flubbed and ends with the target being sent home, but only because he doesn’t have a real job.

It’s “surprise week” in the mansion, which is appropriate because — surprise! — these contestants aren’t savvy enough to pull off a flawless surprise take-down. Yet even when they cock it up royally by accidentally telling the enemy about the planned blindside, the enemy isn’t smart enough to pick up on it — thus completing the double-flub.

And the wheel goes ‘round.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

Martha’s mum Mary is proving to be a fount of wisdom.

“This is my opportunity to dig in and find that bitch, Mary,” she gives herself a motivational pep talk.

OK. Over the years, these reality shows have provided many catchphrases that I’ve noted as potential memoir titles. But this one is my favourite: Dig In and Find That Bitch. Watch out, Brené Brown.

Mary. Aka Martha’s mum. Aka That Bitch.

But not everyone is as tapped into their soul as Martha’s mum. Geelong’s most glamorous real estate agent Daniel is still picking fights with that podcaster Katie, who’s half his age.

“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with you,” she tells him.

Dan says he’s angry because he reckons Katie tried voting out Tilly at the last eviction. And why exactly does he feel so strongly about this particular issue? It’s not clear. He’s small in stature, so we chalk it up to tiny man syndrome.

“I’m coming’ at ya like a freight train!” he threatens and that’s basically the catchcry for all small men.

He gets so angry that a lone forehead wrinkle manages to form through the Botox.

Katie immediately runs into the bedroom and launches a plan of attack to take down Daniel but, as she’s strategising with that magician, the tall guy Nick overhears and runs off to warn Daniel. So of course Daniel throws a hissy fit and declares he’s now coming after the magician like a freight train. But wasn’t he just coming after Katie like a freight train only seconds ago? Can a freight train go in two directions at once? Look, none of the choices made by these clowns make sense — just surrender to it.

When two of Daniel’s allies win yet another physical challenge with convoluted rules that we don’t pay attention to, they promptly nominate the magician for eviction alongside the elderly influencer SJ and a random girl called Charlotte. The plan is set to stack the votes against the magician and blindside him with a landslide eviction. But then Daniel gets way too excited about the blindside and tells everyone about it … including the magician’s mates. Just like that, the blindside is no longer … blind? This is the first flub in tonight’s double-flub.

“We’re trying to do a blindside and you tell everyone?!” Melissa fumes. “He’s a pain in the ass. Absolute disaster.”

Sooo … the blindside’s ruined, yeah? Nah. Despite the blindside attack being detailed explicitly to the magician’s mates, they’re too dense to recognise it and fail to rally the troops — a mistake that completes tonight’s double-flub.

In summary, this is how the votes unfold:

I mean … this isn’t incorrect?

With a cloud of smoke, the magician vanishes into thin air. Unfortunately, everyone else remains and this series continues four days a week — like one of those never-ending clown handkerchiefs.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Kruges honestly can’t believe these clowns double-flubbed.