James Weir recaps Big Brother Australia 2020: the finale

Sonia Kruger didn’t see this one coming. During the live Big Brother finale, a brutal insult came out of nowhere. James Weir recaps.

Sonia Kruger cops a brutal sledge from an unlikely source while wrangling a bunch of Big Brother contestants during a socially distanced live finale that ends with everyone going rogue and breaking protocol once the winner’s announced.

Of course Kruges handles it effortlessly during the Wednesday night broadcast. Years of working alongside Jimmy Barnes’s kid means she can handle any mess that comes her way.

The final trio of Sophie, Chad and Daniel are locked in Larry Emdur’s dressing room out the back of the studio until the announcement at the end of the broadcast.

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Trying to pick a favourite in this final three is kinda like opening Deliveroo at 1am and having to decide which servo you want a sausage roll delivered from. You wish there was a better option but you’re dealing with what you got.

In this case, we wish there was an Ange-a-licious to vote for but we have to make do with a royal appearance. She sits at the centre of the group of former contestants and they’re all very carefully socially distanced but we have no doubt she would have insisted everyone be positioned far away from her regardless of government regulations.

The queen among the peasants.

You better believe she spends the night playing up to her fans. She raises her signature Revlon lip gloss as a nod to all of us.

All hail the queen.

Kruges honestly doesn’t disappoint tonight. Throughout the series we had to make do with her treasured Zoom call appearances but tonight she busts out – live and extended, serving up lewks and arm definition.

We would never expect anything less.

She opens the evening by sledging the old people and we couldn’t be more proud.

“You’ve got some … life experience,” she ventures while addressing a bedazzled Garth. He shoots her a vicious look and she negotiates how to finish the rest of her statement. “ … You’re one of the … older housemates? With Marissa … Who’s 61.”

Swear to God, it’s at this moment when Kruges compares Garth to that grandma who taught aerobics in the ‘80s that we seriously think he’s going to scratch her.

Kruges, you better get security to escort you to your limousine after the show.

But then Kruges gets sledged back by an unlikely contestant. She asks Ian what his parents thought of his time on the show and he takes no prisoners.

“Honestly, I don’t think they really enjoyed the show overall. They’re not big reality TV people. They watch documentaries,” he tells her without a hint of sympathy before really hammering it home. “I got a few messages from people from my home town saying, ‘Thank God you’re out, now we can stop watching’.”

Garth points and giggles as Kruges collects herself after enduring that brutal drive-by.

“Oh, cool, so, boring TV,” she replies, slightly winded.

Honestly, the woman deserves respect.

She quickly moves onto Sarah in the hope for safer territory but within seconds Sarah goes rogue and makes a disturbing claim that Big Brother stole her medical records.

“I didn’t tell Big Brother about my phobia, I think he got it from my doctor’s report,” she says about her clinically diagnosed fear of knees that makes her vomit and convulse – the very fear that producers confronted her with during the series.

“ … He’s … gone to the next level this year. He can access our medical information, fantastic,” Kruges smiles while looking at the production team for help in getting out of this pending Four Corners investigation.

News.com.au does not imply Kruges was personally involved in the questionable procuring of Sarah’s medical records.

Finally, Kruges gives the people what we want: Ange-a-licious, who proves yet again just how royally out of touch she is.

“When I got in the Big Brother house, the first thing I did was open the … oh, what do you call them?” she asks the studio audience while miming opening a door.

“ … The … cupboards?” Kruges prompts her.

“Yes, those,” Ange concludes – proud of the fact she doesn’t have to deal with peasant things like pantries and doors. “Yeah, just to look for tea and it was, oh my gosh, we’re living in a million dollar house and there is no tea? Tea is basic.”

With Big Brother no where in sight, she finally gets the last word on her tea bag story arc, which was one of the most gripping plot lines of the series.

It’s around now Sophie, Chad and Dan are released from Larry Emdur’s dressing room and they honestly look shaken. Clearly they’ve seen things in there that no person ever should.

Being in the Big Brother house for 40 days was tough but 45 minutes in Emdur’s dressing room was worse.

Despite commuting exclusively in a limousine, Kruges can always be counted on to represent the people. So the moment Chad and Sophie hit the stage, she hounds them with the only thing we want to know.

“Chad, Sophie, you were romantic in the house. We are all dying to know – have you done it?” she inquires before quickly putting them out of their misery.

“Have you popped the question?” she pivots the question. “I mean, there was talk about marriage, remember that?”

“Honestly, I thought he was coming here tonight to get engaged but I found out pretty quick that that wasn’t happening,” Sophie sighs.

Well, way to bring us all down, Soph. Kruges is left with no other option but to announce the winner: Chad.

“Boys pack your bags we’re going on a trip! And then I’m paying my mum’s bills,” he declares.

OK, we don’t want to be downers, but $230,000 will barely cover an all-expenses paid Bali boys trip plus accumulated bills. It’s more sensible to have a realistic goal for the money — like Sarah’s Toyota Corolla with a sunroof.

Anyway, the second his name is announced, everyone breaks the social distancing protocol they were made abide by for the past 90 minutes of the show – swarming together to hug and kiss.

Kruges quickly ends the whole thing. Between getting sledged and being accused of stealing medical records, she does not want to have a coronavirus surge pinned to her as well.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Coronavirus transmissions rising in the background.