Broken star quits TV with X-rated nickname | James Weir recaps SAS Australia episode 8

Craig McLachlan went to extreme lengths on TV to rehab his reputation. And now he has quit, with an unfortunate new moniker. James Weir recaps.

After entering SAS Australia to rehab his reputation, a broken Craig McLachlan quits the extreme reality show on Monday night with a bruised ego and an unfortunate new nickname.

Let’s just cut to the chase. Sphincter Lips. His new nickname is Sphincter Lips. This unwanted piece of trivia comes to light while all the celebrity co-stars are making small talk over breakfast.

Here’s hoping Craig’s first order of business after leaving the show is contacting the department of transportation to register new personalised plates for his car: SFNKTR-LPS.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all SAS recaps here

It’s 5am when the harsh fluorescent lights flicker on inside the sleeping quarters, startling the celebrities awake. But it’s OK. Because they’re famous, it means they’re always camera-ready.

‘Mr DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up …’

The producers of SAS Australia really know how to give the people what they want. Where else could we see retired Olympians and out of work actors sucking back boiled eggs while dry heaving?

Unmissable television.

Craig McLachlan opens his gob and slides in one of the slimy eggs – whole, like a snake. It slips back out. He grimaces. The gagging and retching begins.

That’s when footy commentator Abbey Holmes offers some polite encouragement.

“Get it down, sphincter lips!” she instructs.

Olympian Matthew Mitcham almost chokes on his own egg.

“Sphincter lips!” he shrieks.

“It’s what he calls himself,” Abbey says of Craig’s apparent nickname.

Why has Craig anointed himself Sphincter Lips? No context or backstory regarding the moniker is provided. And we’re totally OK with that.

Speaking of deep, dark craters, the celebrities are strapped to a highwire above a chasm where they must demonstrate their upper body strength by not letting go and plummeting to their deaths.

The headline act? The Bachelor vs. Sphincter Lips.

Looks like Sphincter Lips has a tight grip.

Everyone puts their money on the buff former reality star Tim Robards. Of course he’ll win, they think. He’s buff and beautiful. The guy has literally appeared shirtless on the cover of Men’s Health. But, in a matter of moments, he’s torn apart, just like the pages of that glossy fitness magazine. The Bachelor goes ka-splat. And the 58-year-old Sphincter Lips is victorious.

The soldiers jump at the chance to mock the pretty boy again.

“F**kin’ hell. Built for show, not for tow,” one scoffs.

Exposing The Bachelor as a fake fitness freak has been our favourite subplot on this esteemed series. Earlier in the episode, Tim started huffing and puffing during a run which led to more public ridicule.

“F**kin’ hell, you’re blowing. Is it usually just bicep curls?” the soldiers jeered.

The Tim taunts don’t stop. In the next task, he fails to follow instructions and — get this — skips a few rungs on a ladder instead of climbing them one by one. GASP! Honestly, unless he’s being spoonfed instructions by a BodyPump instructor wearing a Madonna mic, he just doesn’t listen.

“What the f**k are you doing?” the soldiers scream at him.

What the f**k is he doing? Well, not an adequate strength training program, that’s for sure.

C’mon, guys, don’t make the hot guy cry.

In an activity that’s completely confected to elicit more tears and personal revelations, the celebrities are given handwritten letters that have been sent in from their families. This is always a heartfelt moment. Well, usually.

Tim’s wife Anna – who competed on the show last year with impressive results — sends in a letter just to add to the mockery of the pretty boy.

“To my darling husband. If you don’t beat me, you’ll never live it down,” Tim reads the prose aloud.

Ouch. He is so not letting Anna use his La Mer moisturiser when he returns home.

This is more embarrassing than being on The Bachelor.

Putting a dampener on the fun and games, Sphincter Lips reads a letter from his girlfriend, Vanessa, who stood by him while he fought the indecent assault allegations made against him five years ago.

“You are amazing and I am in awe of what you have achieved,” he recites the message. “You will come out of it a better, stronger person. Just keep going, my love – for both of us. I’ll be there at the end. I adore you.”

Craig explains the toll the scandal took on his relationship.

“After the shock of everything that has been said about me, I suffer extreme social anxiety,” he says. “I find it very difficult to even go to a local cafe. Poor Vanessa has had to get my coffee now for five years. She must hate that. It’s hard to imagine, isn’t it? A bloke who shared jokes with the queen mum, and performed in front of 25,000 people in a football stadium … and now I can’t walk to my friend’s cafe.”

Repairing a reputation after enduring a scandal is the whole reason most celebrities sign up for SAS Australia. But later that night, during a brutal midnight drill, Sphincter Lips evacuates the competition entirely.

“I need to see the doc! I need to see the doc!” he clutches his stomach. “It’s like a hot knife through f**king butter.”

Jam it, Sphincter Lips.

The soldiers roll their eyes.

Is he telling the truth? Or is he lying through his sphincter lips?

No one really cares at this point.