Big Brother VIP dream cast we were robbed of

Australia has spoken — and it isn’t happy with the “celebs” in the new Big Brother VIP cast. Here’s how it should’ve looked.

Whenever the celebrity cast for an upcoming reality show is announced, Twitter always erupts with a glorious chorus of: “Who??”

Big Brother VIP is the latest. The cast was announced yesterday and some people were just not impressed by the likes of Meghan Markle(’s weird half-brother).

The joke is on us. We fell for Channel 7’s trick. They never once claimed that any of these weirdos would be celebrities. More fool us for just assuming the “I” in VIP stood for “important” when actually the acronym is just an abbreviation for Very Inferior People.

The real problem is we’re running out of celebrities. Between all the reality shows that rely on a cast of A-listers (ahem), the well has run dry. We’ve got a lot of celebrity spots to fill on an annual basis. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Dancing With The Stars. The Masked Singer. SAS Australia. That’s why we need to think outside the box when stunt casting these programs.

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Who should Big Brother VIP producers have recruited to hang out inside their tacky mansion that resembles a Fantastic Furniture pop-up store? We did their job for them just months ago when we curated a wish list of people we’d like to see on the upcoming series of SAS Australia. It could’ve also worked for Big Brother VIP.

At the top of the list? All the Karens. Karen From Brighton. Bunnings Karen. If you’ve been TikToked by a teenager while asking to speak to the manager of a suburban discount department store, then we want you. I’d even accept a Big Brother house filled exclusively with Karens and no one else. It’d be like a really bogan Lord of the Flies.

Karen From Brighton would’ve agreed in a heartbeat. She’s made it very clear she wants to get out of her suburb.

Pete Evans is a given. It would’ve been hilarious watching Big Brother force him to eat normal food.

The group also needs a yin and yang dynamic – people of opposite backgrounds and beliefs who’d clash. Obviously this means booking Izzy Folau and a gay person. Doesn’t matter which gay person. Any gay will do. And then to add another layer of nuance, we could’ve chucked in Matt Damon’s daughter who recently penned a treatise explaining why her famous dad had to stop using the F-slur.

It’s always great when politicians get involved in a reality show — it makes them relatable. Someone mouthy and hot-headed like Jacqui Lambie would’ve been a shoo-in but it’s really hard trying to make a filming schedule fit around public duties. The next best thing would’ve been casting that flight attendant who Jacqui yelled at for rejecting her from the Qantas Club.

Channel 7 created a lot of buzz last year when they secured Schapelle Corby for SAS Australia. It goes without saying we would all welcome her sister Mercedes with open arms.

Longtime media sensation Mercedes Corby.

Schapelle’s involvement really capitalised on our love of true crime. TV execs should lean into this. The Australian government totally could’ve negotiated with Colombian authorities to allow Cocaine Cassie to serve the rest of her parole in the Big Brother mansion.

It’s always fun to cast some old marquee names of showbiz. We need to get Tania Zaetta back on screens. It should be on the national agenda to finally get that dame a Logie.

And of course we need a little bit of Hollywood star power. That older, less successful Hemsworth brother is probably available. Or Chris Hemsworth’s private jet pilot.

Big Brother VIP dream team … random older Hemsworth, Cocaine Cassie, Tania Zaetta.

The really big win would’ve been securing Australian Olympic Committee boss John Coates who found accidental fame last month after rousing on Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk for sneaking out with her friends on a school night and flunking her chemistry exam. Australia would’ve had hours of enjoyment watching him walk around the Big Brother house, mansplaining things and rousing on the other celebrities for not doing as they’re told.

He might’ve been able to push around Annastacia — but a house full of Karens?

What a missed opportunity.

John Coates rousing on Annastacia Palaszczuk.