Big Brother favourite Ari reveals he’s been spreading lies throughout the house

One consistently safe housemate reveals he’s been deceiving his fellow contestants as an unlikely duo pulls off the blind side of the season.

A secret snake has been slithering through the Big Brother house as two human-sized possums lurking in the ceiling keep the housemates on their toes.

(There’s going to be at least three animal comparisons in tonight’s recap so buckle up).

The final episode of “surprise week” ends with SJ and Mary exploding out of a giant cake after their stint in the attic, shocking the housemates who are busy shovelling party pies into their gobs at 5am like a pack of sloppy drunks arriving home from the club.

Elsewhere, Danny is blindsided, and Ari becomes one to watch out for as he reveals he’s spun a wicked web of lies thus overtaking SJ as my new favourite contender.

There’s also been a lot of talk about “floaters” tonight which has made me very uncomfortable, especially when coupled with a series of closing shots of Danny drinking milk out of a wine glass.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

I feel personally attacked by this image.

Burn my retinas.

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But the crux of the episode is SJ and Mary living it up in the attic, popping their heads down into the diary room like two sleep paralysis demons.

We open on the pair settling into their new lives at attic-dwellers. SJ still can’t believe her luck, having wound up in the accommodation of her dreams. She rolls herself up in a crusty old picnic rug and repeats “this is the life” over and over while pacing the four steps of the room’s shoebox diameter.

She really needs to get out more.

Big Brother eventually reveals they have the power to eavesdrop on the remaining housemates, much like I do on the bus when other passengers are on the phone.

They tune into Danny, red moustache and Melissa talking tactics and vowing to stick together until the end. It’s the easiest blindside bait in reality television history.

Meanwhile, Sid tells Big Brother he’s feeling “gracious” to still be in the house after the last eviction, having managed to “squeeze out of a pickle”.

He’s very handsome so it can be overlooked.

You do you.

Big Brother tells Mary and SJ they can make contact with two housemates by poking their heads through a secret hatch to terrifying effect. Katie is called to the diary room and the sleep paralysis demons emerge.

‘That thing you said today was very dumb.’

‘You might be asleep but tomorrow you’ll still be tired.’

They spill the Danny tea and Katie shares the intel with Marley and Jess. They celebrate by leaping around the bedroom with glee.

Outside, Ari is complaining about how much exercise these bozos do, pointing out that “fat freezing is so much easier”. I love him.

He’s called to the diary room where he lists each one of the cosmetic procedures he’s undergone, but casts instant doubt over his claims when he reveals he’s told “approximately 500,000 lies” in the house including two different accounts of where he grew up.

Shrugging off the bombshell, he explains, “I’ve got absolutely nothing in common with these people so I’m just trying to make people think I’m similar to them.”

Footage rolls of him bragging about his many investments, claiming to love North Bondi Fish and telling others he’s an accomplished tennis and rugby player. He’s like every straight guy on Tinder and I’m not even mad.

‘I grew up in Kenya too!’

What’s proving to be a snoozefest of an episode continues as Big Brother sends the prisoners to a giant warehouse where they’re told to hold on to a bar until their arms give out. The game lasts two hours and 40 minutes in real time which is frankly a disgusting waste of time. I lose track and concentrate on picking off all my nail polish.

Tilly wins and selects a sassy stylist named Charlotte who I’ve never seen before in my life, coffee fanatic Carlos, and Jess for the chopping block.

Danny does his best to convince everyone to vote off “physical threat” Jess, but the sleep paralysis demons drop in on handsome Sid and he uses his good looks and charm to convince the “floaters” to opt for Carlos.

Ari rolls his eyes and eventually agrees to it. While he’s tempted to lie and vote his own way, blindsiding sounds like a lot of fun and he’s living for the drama.

They trundle into the eviction zone and nobody mentions that Sonia and Danny are wearing the same outfit.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

Who wore it best?

Carlos is booted and nobody cares. They all head to bed only to be woken a few hours later to find the spread of Sharon Strzelecki’s dreams set up in the dining area.

I’m triggered by this selection of food amid the constant mention of ‘floaters’.

SJ and Mary pop out of a giant cake in what’s supposed to be a climactic point of the episode, but it’s gone on for so long all I’m thinking about is whether people are still allowed to call cocktail franks “little boys”.

SJ wastes no time in telling everyone how much she loved living in the attic, shooting Danny a look of mock sympathy.

Still seething over the Tim Tam slam incident, he fails at masking his furore over the situation, marching around the party with a cold sausage roll crumbling in his fist, tomato sauce dripping down his arm.

He’s inadvertently matched his party hat to his blue T-shirt which makes him look like he’s wearing a DIY shark costume.

Rawr.

He concedes that he’s probably the next to be evicted, when really, he should be sent straight to prison for the heinous crime of drinking milk out of a wine glass.