Game of Thrones recap: Season six, episode 10
SPOILERS: The Game of Thrones season finale finally answered a question the show’s fans have been asking for years.
SPOILER ALERT. We’re about to recap the Game of Thrones finale.
If you haven’t watched the episode yet, leave now, because there are some pretty explosive spoilers ahead. But if you’re up to date, this is the recap you’re looking for.
And now it begins.
WINTERFELL
Previously on CSI: Westeros, Detective Davos investigated the crime scene near Stannis’s old camp and found incriminating evidence linking Melisandre to Shireen’s death. This week we’re in the courtroom, and he’s playing the prosecutor.
Presented with Exhibit A, a small wooden stag that hasn’t even been dusted for fingerprints yet and therefore proves nothing, Mel readily admits to her part in the murder. She pleads not guilty by reason of her vengeful fire god’s insanity.
Davos points out that her god is kind of a prick.
Davos is pushing for the death penalty, which the North has yet to abolish. It’s a bit like Texas in that regard, but with beheadings instead of lethal injections.
Mel claims she’s been ready to die for ages anyway, though her argument would be a lot more credible if she removed her magic Necklace of Youth. I’m still waiting for Dove or Garnier to start selling that necklace, by the way. Even a cheap knock-off would be more effective than Essential Nutrients Protective Day Lotion or Miracle Wake Up Creme or whatever else they’re flogging these days.
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Jon, who’s acting as the judge here because unlike Sansa he has a penis, decides to be merciful and banish Mel from the North.
“Ride south today. If you return to the North I’ll have you hanged as a murderer,” he says, definitely not influenced by the fact that Mel saved his life. Come to think of it, shouldn’t Jon have recused himself from this case? Davos definitely has grounds for appeal.
As Jon ruefully watches the only hot woman in the North who isn’t closely related to him ride away, Sansa appears. He quickly forgives her for withholding important information before the battle and getting thousands of loyal people needlessly killed. No biggie.
A white raven has arrived from the Citadel, marking the official start of winter. “Well, father always promised, didn’t he,” Jon quips. He smiles. Sansa smiles. They’re besties now.
Later, as Sansa broods in Winterfell’s godswood, Littlefinger seizes his chance to say something that probably isn’t a lie for once.
He claims his ultimate ambition is to sit on the Iron Throne, with Sansa by his side. Now, some people would say it’s weird to lust after the daughter of your childhood crush. They’d also say it’s gross for a guy to try to pash his own niece. And sadly for Littlefinger, Sansa is one of those people.
As she gives the “walk off with your back to your enemy like a badass” strategy another whirl — recall the end of the previous episode — Littlefinger shouts after her, trying to pit her against Jon. At this point, Sansa probably regrets sending away Brienne and her famous ability to slice annoying people in half.
Fast forward to a meeting of all the northern lords. Yes, apparently some are still alive. Among them is Lord Wyman Manderly, who’s lost a lot of weight since his appearance in the books, the bald guy from a few episodes ago, and young Lady Mormont, who is keen to engage in her favourite pastime — scolding fools.
When she’s finished, everyone in the room swears their loyalty to House Stark and proclaims Jon the new King in the North. Everyone except Littlefinger. This can only end well.
NORTH OF THE WALL
After waiting five long years to pop up again, the actor playing Benjen Stark lasted exactly three scenes. Ever the responsible uncle, he’s leaving Meera and Bran alone in a White Walker infested forest with no obvious means of transportation.
Apparently, there’s some strong magic in The Wall stopping both him and the Walkers from getting through. “While it stands, the dead cannot pass. I cannot pass,” Benjen says.
If this magic is similar to the kind that protected Bloodraven’s cave, now is probably a good time to remind Bran that he’s been branded by the Night’s King, and should avoid heading south through The Wall unless he wants to break its magic and trigger Armageddon.
Benjen doesn’t mention that. Benjen’s a busy man with places to be. He doesn’t have time for details.
At least he’s left the pair next to a weirwood tree, so Bran can tap into the network and confirm a few dearly-held fan theories while he slowly freezes to death. First up: R+L=J.
Bran resumes his vision at the Tower of Joy, where young Ned Stark finds his sister, Lyanna, dying in a blood-soaked bed, having just given birth. She whispers something unintelligible into Ned’s ear, followed by some words we can actually hear: “If Robert finds out he’ll kill him. You know he will. You have to protect him. Promise me Ned. Promise me.”
A baby is presented to Ned. The camera focuses on the boy’s face, and then we cut straight to a close-up of Jon Snow. Theory confirmed.
So, Jon is not Ned Stark’s bastard son, as everyone in Westeros was led to believe — he’s actually the child of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen. His plot armour has never been stronger.
THE TWINS
Walder Frey has invited Jaime and Bronn to a party celebrating their victory at Riverrun, and for some reason, they have decided to humour him. Maybe they accidentally clicked “attend” on the Facebook event and couldn’t backtrack without making things awkward.
When we join them, Bronn is bitter because all the women present want to sleep with Jaime instead of him. He really is the only person anywhere who actually misses the Sand Snakes.
Jaime shares an awkward conversation with Walder, who thinks they have some things in common. Kingslaying, for instance. Jaime is not amused. But the real action happens a day later, after he leaves the Twins.
Walder is served a pie for lunch while he waits for his useless sons to show up. “But they’re already here,” the serving girl tells him.
Long story short, the girl is Arya wearing someone else’s face, and she baked Walder’s sons into the pie. She cuts his throat, and the audience cheers, because messed up psychopath behaviour is totally cool when Arya does it.
I’m just happy she paid attention during Hot Pie’s baking lessons.
OLDTOWN
Sam finally arrives at the Citadel, where he is confronted by a very grumpy receptionist.
There are issues with Sam’s paperwork, he’s brought a wildling girl into the building against regulations, and worst of all, he has a generally cheerful and positive outlook on life. This is clearly frowned upon in Maesterland.
Nevertheless, the receptionist allows Sam to await his next tongue-lashing in the Citadel’s vast library. Fun fact: this library boasts the highest virgins-per-capita ratio of any building in the Seven Kingdoms.
How can I put that less subtly? Oh yes. Winter isn’t coming anymore, and neither is Sam.
KING’S LANDING
It’s the day of Cersei and Loras’s trials, to be held in the Sept of Baelor. Everyone is getting dressed up for the occasion — even the High Sparrow, who’s donned his finest potato sack.
Loras is first up. He confesses to everything and promises to accept whatever punishment the gods deem fit, even if that means renouncing his family name, along with all his titles, and having the seven-pointed star carved into his forehead.
With one trial out of the way quickly, the High Sparrow’s attention turns to Cersei, who is mysteriously absent. So is King Tommen, who’s been trapped in his chambers by Zombie Gregor. Something is clearly going down.
Qyburn and his “little birds” are indeed hard at work. First they murder Maester Pycelle, who surprisingly manages to kark it without any embarrassing flatulence. Then they lure Lancel into the tunnels beneath the city. They stab him and leave him to die next to a huge stash of wildfire — which is about to be ignited.
Back in the Sept, Margaery is the only person clever enough to figure out something is wrong. “We all need to leave,” she shouts at the High Sparrow, who appears to have succumbed to senility at an inopportune moment. It’s like the Sept is the Titanic and the High Sparrow is that nice captain with the beard who has no idea what to do.
The Faith Militant advances on the crowd, preventing anyone from leaving the building. Good strategy, that. Then the whole place explodes, while across the city in the Red Keep, Cersei watches the carnage with a smirk on her face and a glass of wine in her hand. A glorious victory for the alcoholics, then.
To summarise: Queen Margaery, Lord Mace Tyrell, Hand of the King Kevan Lannister, Loras Tyrell and the High Sparrow are all dead. Look on the bright side though — HBO doesn’t have to pay those actors anymore, which means the budget suddenly has a lot more room for CGI dragons next season. What a happy coincidence!
You may have noticed there’s been no mention of Septa Unella yet. That’s because Cersei has her chained up in a torture chamber. As such chambers go, it’s actually quite nice — far more luxurious than Ramsay’s setup in the Dreadfort, and with better lighting too. But still, torture. That’s not fun.
“I killed your High Sparrow and all his little Sparrows ... because it felt good to watch them burn. It felt good to imagine their shock and their pain,” Cersei says, much like a crazy person who doesn’t realise she’s crazy.
She leaves Unella alone in the room with Zombie Gregor, and I’m sure we can all agree this is the start of a beautiful romance between the pair.
One sour note, however: Cersei’s last surviving child, realising he would never spend another moment in bed with Natalie Dormer, just leapt from a window and committed suicide, giving the name King’s Landing new meaning.
So passes Tommen, First of his Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm. May his innards be peeled off the cobblestones with grace and dignity.
Cersei orders Qyburn to burn her son’s body, because fire is now the solution to every problem. I feel like she’d get on surprisingly well with Daenerys.
Jaime returns to King’s Landing just in time for Cersei’s coronation as the realm’s new evil Disney Queen. Since she’s the only major character left in the city I guess there are no other candidates.
Again, this can only end well.
DORNE
Yep, Dorne is back. Yay? The show’s writers have resorted to a tried and tested recipe to revive the Sand Snakes and their awful plot: add some Olenna, throw in a few spicy one-liners and repeat.
“What is your name again? Barbara?” she shoots at Obara. “You look like an angry little boy.” Boom. Suddenly I love Dorne. Olenna never fails.
Of course, Olenna’s family has been wiped out. She has no legacy to protect anymore. There is only one purpose left for her in life now — ass-whoopage of both the verbal and physical variety. The Sand Snakes can help her there, with a little assistance from their new friend Varys.
It’s very clear what will happen now. Daenerys will finally sail to Westeros, landing in Dorne. From there, she’ll add the Dornish and Tyrell forces to her own and head north towards King’s Landing, where heaps of stuff will be set on fire. It’s a good plan.
MEEREEN
Before Daenerys leaves Meereen, she has to cut her toy boy loose.
She pretends it’s a tough decision made for political reasons, but as she later confesses to Tyrion, she actually feels nothing for Daario anymore. The spark is missing, you could say. Her heart doesn’t burn for him. He’s not as hot as he used to be. There’s no fire between them.
What I’m getting at here is that she’s a Targaryen and her love of fire will always be more important than any penis. That, and Yara’s kind of cute.
Daenerys’s goodbye to Daario is overshadowed by her far soppier conversation with Tyrion, whose finely preened hipster beard is making him more sentimental by the day. She names him Hand of the Queen. Somewhere, perhaps across the Narrow Sea, Jorah feels a disturbance in the Force.
Finally, after six seasons, Daenerys, her many armies and somehow Varys, who was in Dorne literally 15 minutes ago, board their ships and set sail for Westeros. And finally, after a gazillion years, George R.R. Martin announces he’s finished The Winds of Winter.
Just kidding.
So that’s it. The season’s over. Leave your thoughts in the comments section below, and then find something else to watch for the next 10 months. Or go outside. Your call.
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