Game of Thrones recap: Season five, episode nine

SPOILER ALERT. Here we go again. Another week, another disturbing Game of Thrones scene that has left fans feeling uncomfortable.

THIS story is dark and full of spoilers. We’ll be discussing the events of episode nine, so if you haven’t caught up yet, stop reading now.

A terrible father, a grateful mother and, finally, an angry dragon in action. All that and more in this week’s Game of Thrones recap.

Last week’s recap

Explained: The White Walkers

First things first: F*** you, Stannis. Bad parents aren’t exactly rare in Game of Thrones — think of Tywin subjecting Tyrion to a rigged trial, or Roose needling away at Ramsay’s insecurities — but even those cold-hearted monsters never burned their own children alive.

“Wonder what I should do with that ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug she bought me.”

Obviously, Stannis is desperate. It’s cold. There’s no food. His soldiers are depressed, and Ramsay just added arson to his ever-expanding record of juvenile delinquency. If Stannis attacks Winterfell now, he’ll lose.

The best military commander in Westeros sees only one solution to this mess: send his one loyal, level-headed adviser away on a sham mission, then condemn the only person who actually loves him to an excruciating death, in the hope that ... it might cause the snow to ease up a bit? I dunno, the man’s not being rational here.

“Stannis, I really think you could use a Hand right now.”

Davos clearly suspects an immolation is imminent, because he visits Stannis’s daughter before leaving for Castle Black and gives her a toy stag. It appears to have been crafted out of wood and sentimentality.

Shireen’s next visitor is the Dad of the Year himself. She cheerfully tells him about the book she’s reading, which recounts the history of a “divided kingdom” in which “brothers fought brothers” and “thousands died”. That doesn’t sound at all (*cough* RENLY *cough*) familiar.

“Sometimes a person has to choose. Sometimes the world forces his hand,” Stannis tells her, carefully rationalising his own stupidity. “If a man knows what he is and remains true to himself, the choice is no choice at all. He must fulfil his destiny and become who he is meant to be. However much he may hate it.”

In this case, the man’s destiny is to become a colossal douchelord.

“So THAT’S why the writers made me tag along with you.”

Shireen senses that Stannis is troubled, and asks whether she can help, because she’s a NICE PERSON. The answer is a cruel, duplicitous yes.

“Good. I want to. I’m the princess Shireen of House Baratheon, and I’m your daughter,” she says, echoing that lovely father-daughter scene at Castle Black. Stannis proceeds to re-enact a different scene, but this time, Jon isn’t there to deliver a merciful arrow.

And now Stannis is dead to us.

“The truth is, I don’t much like those scales of yours. They’re icky.”

The mood and climate are both warmer in Dorne, where Jaime has been invited to a tea party with his bratty teenage dau ... err, niece, and her lustful young stallion, Tristane. Also present are the smouldering eyes of Prince Doran and the chip on Ellaria’s shoulder.

After much hobnobbing, it is decided that Myrcella and Tristane will accompany Jaime back to King’s Landing, where the young man will sit on the Small Council. Bronn will also be set free, on one mysterious condition. And Ellaria will shut the hell up or risk losing her head.

“Can’t speak. Busy throwing shade here.”

“Yes yes, we’ve all seen you throw shade Ellaria, it’s all you ever do.”

Finally cowed, Ellaria visits Jaime one-on-one to make peace. Since every conversation involving a Dornish person must involve sex of some variety, they end up bonding over Jaime’s incestuous desires.

“A hundred years ago, no one would have blinked an eye at you ... if you’d been named Targaryen,” she says. Half the Targaryens went stark raving mad of course, but who are we to judge?

“When you put it like that ... Well, I know what/who I’ll be doing when I get back to King’s Landing.”

In Braavos, Arya is distracted from her first assassination attempt by the sudden appearance of an old nemesis. Mace Tyrell has arrived to deal with the Iron Bank (by singing at it), and his escort is led by Ser Meryn Trant — the man who killed Arya’s beloved “dance teacher”, Syrio, in season one. That crime earned Ser Meryn a place on Arya’s hit list.

She follows him to a brothel where, surprise surprise, he turns out to be a massive pervert. Ser Meryn prefers particularly young women, you see, and he wants “a fresh one” to be waiting for him the following day. The murderous glint in Arya’s eye suggests that’s a bad idea.

“Get a load of this guy. Maybe incest isn’t so bad after all.”

Finally, to Meereen, where a huge re-enactment of the film Gladiator is starting. Daenerys is presiding over the event, and dealing with her obvious discomfort by unleashing her passive aggressive side on future husband Hizdahr zo Loraq.

After a couple of snappy comments, she declares the Great Games open with the most reluctant clap since Cersei’s appearance at Tommen’s wedding.

“Gawd, what a waste of a Sunday afternoon.”

The first fight pits a large, powerful anonymous man against a small, fast anonymous man. Daario and Hizdahr try to predict the winner — although they’re really trying to figure out who the third wheel is in this situation.

“In my experience, larger men triumph over smaller men more often than not,” Hizdahr says. Is he talking about the fighting pits or the bedroom? Hard to tell.

“Has your experience ever included any actual fighting?” Daenerys retorts. Ouch. That’s some ruthless emasculation.

The third wheel is definitely Hizdahr.

Hizdahr turns out to be right about the fight, but that’s soon forgotten, because the next batch of suicidal lunatics to enter the arena includes one Jorah Mormont. I guess that makes him the ... fourth wheel? Gotta say, Daenerys’s sanctimonious speech about “breaking the wheel” feels pretty hollow at the moment.

Jorah barely eludes death several times on his way to victory in the ensuing melee, giving Daenerys a chance to worry about him, and he seals his return to the Queen’s good books by launching a spear at a Harpy assassin who’s sneaking up behind her.

“Whaddya know, I actually don’t want him to die.”

“Whaddya know, I still can’t take a hint.”

Suddenly, Harpies are everywhere — it’s like we’ve switched from Gladiator to Attack of the Clones. They swarm the arena, killing Hizdahr (control your grief, people) and surrounding the Queen’s posse of merry men.

At this point, only one thing could possibly save Daenerys. And hey, there’s Drogon! He swoops in at the last moment, showing off his sweet fire breath before giving his grateful mother an airborne piggyback to safety.

Daario, Jorah, Tyrion and Missandei are left behind, gobsmacked, to fend for themselves. Still, things could be worse. Just ask Stannis.

“Eww Drogon, you’ve got a booger in your nose. Hold still, I’ll get it.”

“We’ll just ... wait here then? OK. Sure. That’s cool.”

We’ll be back to recap the season finale next week. In the meantime, you can give us your thoughts on Twitter: @SamClench