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Game of Thrones recap: Season five, episode four

SPOILER ALERT. Jon Snow looks like he’s just seen a ghost - and that’s not far off the mark. A creepy moment has left him gobsmacked.

Game of Thrones Season 5

THIS story is dark and full of spoilers. Scroll no further if you want to avoid all the juicy details from episode four.

A grumpy old man with a sword, a king with no discernible testicles and a witch with a very loose robe. All that and more in this week’s Game of Thrones recap. Read on ...

Last week’s recap

Ser Friendzone is absolutely terrible at maths. Having knocked a man unconscious and stolen his boat, he leaves the guy some compensation in the form of precisely two coins. Granted, that boat isn’t exactly the HMS Victory, but it must be worth more than a sausage roll.

While Tyrion is heading towards Meereen as an uncomfortable and unwilling passenger on Ser Friendzone’s voyage of shameless larceny, his brother Jaime is the guest of honour on a merchant ship heading past Dorne.

He and Bronn discuss the finer aspects of Dornish society — “fighting and f***ing,” as the latter puts it — in preparation for their daring mission to rescue Jaime’s daught ... um, niece, Myrcella.

“Dude, even the Dornish don’t make incest babies ... often.”
“Dude, even the Dornish don’t make incest babies ... often.”

As you might recall, Jaime volunteered to retrieve Myrcella because he was feeling guilty, having set Tyrion free at the end of last season to conduct his toilet-based deeds of vengeance. He’s not feeling much brotherly love these days.

“If I ever see him I’ll split him in two,” Jaime says. Coincidentally, if that were to happen, it could serve as a decent maths lesson for Ser Friendzone. What does a halfman become when you chop him in half again? Fractions hold the answer.

“You know what, Bronn? I only need one hand to slap you.”
“You know what, Bronn? I only need one hand to slap you.”

On dry land, Cersei is still manoeuvring and manipulating everyone in sight. Now she’s sent the only thoroughly pleasant person in Westeros, Mace Tyrell, to Braavos to hold off the debtors of the Iron Bank. The Crown owes a lot of money, you see. Perhaps it’s time to make Joe Hockey the Master of Coin? Pay down the debt!

More significantly, Cersei has revived an ancient organisation called the Faith Militant, giving the High Sparrow his very own police force consisting of religious nutters. Apparently, no one will be protected from the God Squad’s righteous wrath, as this rather foreshadowy exchange makes clear.

Cersei: “Too often the wicked are the wealthiest, beyond the reach of justice ...”

High Sparrow: “All sinners are equal before the gods.”

Of course, the wealthiest and most wicked sinner in King’s Landing is Cersei herself. I’m sure the High Sparrow will just ignore that though. It’s not like he’s into unyielding dogma or anything.

“It is my great pleasure, as someone who’s both rich and powerful, to give you the power to go after people who are rich and powerful.”
“It is my great pleasure, as someone who’s both rich and powerful, to give you the power to go after people who are rich and powerful.”

The Faith Militant quickly becomes a mechanism for strange, young, socially incompetent white men (like dear old Lancel) to enthusiastically lord it over everyone they resent.

They arrest Ser Loras and throw him in jail, which is certainly bad news for Loras, but even worse news for King Tommen the Earnest, who must now endure even more exasperated condescension than usual from Margaery. She wants her brother freed, and she doesn’t give a damn how many raised eyebrows and exasperated sighs it will take to get the job done.

Appropriately chastened, Tommen tries to confront the High Sparrow, but baulks at the first sign of impending violence. He is a young man of many impressive titles, but no discernible testicles. Tommen, King of the Andals and Protector of the Realm, is now firmly ensconced in the doghouse.

“Get out of my way now, or I’ll retreat meekly. Just you watch.”
“Get out of my way now, or I’ll retreat meekly. Just you watch.”

At Castle Black, Melisandre unleashes the power of bewbs in one last attempt to convert Jon to her cause. As we know, Jon does have a habit of raising his longsword to impress redheads, so he struggles to resist her charms at first. But the lad is ultimately saved by his entirely logical reluctance to cheat on the dead ex-girlfriend who once lodged three arrows in his back.

The mere sight of bare lady skin leaves a stunned expression on Jon’s face, and it morphs into one of pure astonishment when Melisandre exits the room with some choice parting words: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

This is followed by a lovely scene in which Stannis tells his daughter he doesn’t hate her guts.

“You know nothing of blondes or brunettes, Jon Snow.”
“You know nothing of blondes or brunettes, Jon Snow.”
“Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you over the bewbs.”
“Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you over the bewbs.”

South of the Wall, in the crypt beneath Winterfell, Littlefinger’s simultaneously benevolent and nefarious plot is beginning to make more sense. He’s going to leave Darth Sansa in the company of a psycho who likes to mutilate people and count on Stannis’s approaching army to drive out the Boltons before anything really bad happens. That would make Darth Sansa the Wardeness of the North, at which point Littlefinger would presumably sidle back into the picture and claim the spoils.

Here’s a shorter, more honest version of his explanation: “Sansa, I’m using you to gain more power, and if you have any sense at all you won’t trust a word I say because I’m the guy who got your dad’s head lopped off, remember?”

“We should meet in nicer places.”
“We should meet in nicer places.”

Meanwhile, Jaime and Bronn, who have by now developed more romantic chemistry than any of the actual couples in the show, finally land on the Dornish coast. Their stealth mission hits a snag when they are immediately discovered by four soldiers, who are immune to Bronn’s obnoxious banter.

So, everyone whips out their swords — typical men — and one-handed Jaime ends up in a one-on-one duel to the death. He survives by catching the soldier’s sword in his prosthetic metal glove, with an iron grip worthy of the randiest, loneliest teenage boy, before skewering the poor fellow.

Further along the coast, Ellaria and her fellow Sand Snakes are rather ominously plotting vengeance against the Lannisters. One of them is clearly very good with a spear. For once, that is not a euphemism — she just has a talent for killing people using a big, pointy stick.

You weren’t the only person buried in work today.
You weren’t the only person buried in work today.

In the streets of Meereen, more men in golden masks are running around slicing people’s throats open, which isn’t unusual in itself. But this time, one of their targets is a squad of Unsullied, led by extremely killable recurring character Grey Worm.

The Harpy numbers are overwhelming, and they tear through the Unsullied until Grey Worm is the only one left. As they’re about to finish him off, however, another figure appears. It’s Ser Barristan, and he’s in no mood to tolerate young punks.

“Get off my lawn, kids.”
“Get off my lawn, kids.”

What follows is essentially Boromir’s death scene from Lord of the Rings. Big Barry heroically cuts down a small army of Harpies, apparently saving Grey Worm’s life, but there are too many enemies. Eventually, he succumbs to a mortal blow.

Daenerys is going to need a new grandfather figure.

We’ll be back with another recap next week. In the meantime, tell us what you thought of episode four in the comments section below, or on Twitter: @SamClench

How would you die in Game of Thrones?

All men must die. Women too.
And in the sadistic world of Game of Thrones, the average lifespan tends to be rather short. Find out how you would meet your end.

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Original URL: https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/game-of-thrones-recap-season-five-episode-four/news-story/0c784bbcc35101b620f223f6b2af8d25