Friends storylines they couldn’t get away with now

BACK in the days before mobile phones and political correctness, there was Friends. There’s no way these storylines would fly in 2016.

IT’S no surprise that Friends is finding a whole new generation of fans now that it is available on streaming services.

Set long enough ago (1994-2004) to seem like a time capsule of a more innocent time, and recent enough that the reference points still hit, the six friends and their mobile-free existence is both quaint and enviable — but of course any recent revisiting reveals some unsavoury elements of the show.

A lot of this is merely emblematic of the march of time; it can only be seen as a good thing that societal attitudes are more liberal and accepting these days. Still, here are 10 storylines you could never get away with in 2016.

THE ONE WHERE ‘HERMAPHRODITE’ IS THE PUNCHLINE

Back when Brad Pitt was dating Jennifer Aniston, she had such pull over him that he appeared in an episode of ‘Friends’, which isn’t usually a move recommended to top tier movie stars.

Still, it was amusing to see him in those presumably rent controlled NYC apartments, and even more amusing when we find his character has a deep dislike for Rachel due to past bullying.

He and Ross were nerdy best friends at high school while Rachel was in the mean girls clique, so the pair made up a rumour about her: that she was born “with both male and female reproductive parts” and the decision of her gender was made by her parents and doctors after flipping a coin. That’s how it happens, you see?

2016 Brad probably isn’t proud of 2002 Brad. Those blonde tips!

Cue a series of jokes about “the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island”, requests for proof that it wasn’t true (while looking at her groin area), and the further revelation they told everyone she “still had the hint of a penis.” “You told people that I was half and half”, Rachel shrieked in anger. Half and half!

THE ONE(S) WITH THE RAMPANT HOMOPHOBIA

Chandler and Joey are best buds, but no homo! Throughout the series they are both at pains to point out that they are just good friends, and both totally love women.

In season two, the pair take a baby onto a bus together, and are mortified when people assume they are a couple.

During season six, Chandler is forced to help Joey take a shower after he hurts his back. Chandler refuses to discuss it afterwards, to the point that when Joey simply thanks him for helping, Chandler shuts him down: “Now, is that ’never talking about it again’?”

In season nine, they look at a house that Joey is considering purchasing, and the realtor naturally assumes they are a couple. While Joey is offended by Chandler’s horrified reaction, it’s less about his attitudes towards being gay, and more about Joey’s vanity.

This stuff runs deep for Chandler Bing — so much so that there is a 50-minute supercut of all the off-colour gay jokes on ‘Friends’, because the internet gives so much and asks so little.

THE ONE WHERE ROSS HAS SEX WITH A TEENAGER

Ross finds out through anonymous teacher evaluations that he has a student admirer, so obviously the professorial thing to do is immediately try to sleep with her.

First, some maths. Ross claims to have been divorced twice before 30, with his second divorce occurring some time in early season five. During season six, he starts dating this student — Elizabeth — who is stated to be 12 years younger than him. This makes her not only his student, but a teenager.

Fine, the argument can be made that a teenager girl is intelligent enough to decide who she wants to date, but it’s hard to make excuses for the guys in this storyline — least of all Elizabeth’s dad, played by Bruce Willis, who is vehemently against Ross crawling all over his daughter — threatening to contact the college where Ross teaches.

Oh, and Bruce doesn’t mind making out with Rachel either.

He has a change of heart, however, when Ross catches him giving himself a mildly embarrassing pep-talk in a mirror. When Ross hints that he witnessed this display and might go public himself, Bruce backs off completely, seemingly now fine with a 30-something blackmailer screwing his teenage daughter. Of course this is nothing compared to …

THE ONE WHERE MONICA HAS SEX WITH A MINOR

Ah, the classic statutory rape storyline — a sitcom staple. Whereas Ross dated a teenager, she was at least over 18. Not so for Monica’s hook-up in season one, when she sleeps with Ethan, a 17-year-old virgin.

Yup, Monica not only slept with a child, but took his virginity. Oh, and she lied about her age, telling him she was 22 when she was actually 26. He told her he was a senior, and she assumed he meant at college — he later clears this up (post-sex, mind) and she decides not to continue with the relationship because it would be “icky”. An “eight-to-10 years-in-prison” type of icky.

THE ONE WHERE CHANDLER FAT SHAMES MONICA INTO LOSING WEIGHT

The idea of Chandler — whose weight fluctuated crazily throughout the show’s run — berating anyone for body issues is hilarious, however we learn that Chandler’s offhand remark about Monica’s “fat sister” while they were all in high school drove her to lose weight. Or rather, to “stop overeating”.

Monica’s teenage weight struggles are solely played for laughs throughout the series; numerous flashbacks of this time see her gorging herself on cartoon-sized portions of food and doing little else, with Chandler once quipping “how many cameras were on you?” after she defended a home video appearance by saying the camera adds 10 pounds.

THE ONE WHERE THEY INVENT FACEBOOK

Ross signs up to his college alumni message board, and Chandler and Ross spend the rest of the episode joking about how people don’t go onto the internet to read updates about people they went to school with.

Of course, as we know now, that’s all the internet is used for, and despite not believing in the site’s reach, the pair use it to own each other in a pre-Facebook trolling session that involves Chandler claiming Ross has sex with dinosaurs, Ross countering by saying Chandler is “very gay” and ends with Ross staging a fake memorial service for himself. There is an off-colour bit where a guy mistakes Monica for a transvestite, too, just for kicks.

THE ONE WHERE AIRPORT SECURITY DOESN’T EXIST

It’s hard to think about in this post-9/11 landscape, but in 1998 when Chandler was flying to Yemen — hilariously to escape his girlfriend Janice because text-dumping wasn’t a thing back then — she could walk through security and onto the tarmac without as much as showing ID, having a passport on her, clearing security, or even buying a ticket. She also had a huge bag on her.

Remember Janice?

These were those magical, pre-mobile days, when the gang could break down on the side of a highway and have no idea where they were, and when entire plot points revolved around the joy of getting accidental free porn on your TV.

Come to think of it, all the answer machine mishaps would have been solved in seconds, too — and the one where Joey and Ross are stuck on the roof would have been The One Where Joey Texts Monica And That’s All That Happens, Really.

THE ONE WITH CHANDLER’S GAY/TRANSGENDER/DRAG QUEEN DAD

Chandler’s father being gay is a recurring source of hilarity on Friends, and by season 7, the writers had completely thrown out any need for continuity, completely mangling the distinction between gay, drag queen, cross-dresser, and transgender in the process and not seeming to care either way.

Initially Chandler’s father was referred to as merely “gay”, then in The One With Chandler’s Dad, we finally meet him, and discover he is a Vegas drag queen, which is why Chandler didn’t invite him to his wedding — more specifically, because, “Nobody’s going to be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a backless dress.”

Chandler’s Dad, played by actress Kathleen Turner.

Putting aside the blurry distinction between “drag-queen” and “cross-dressing”, Chandler refers to his deep shame at having a gay father numerous times, telling Monica she needs to “come up with a whole new word for what I went through” as a kid.

By the actual wedding though, Chandler’s father is no longer a gay man whose job is performing in drag, but an actual woman — played by Kathleen Turner, and presumedly a trans woman. Yet, they refer to her as “him” throughout, Chandler drips a sarcastic “Hi, Dad”, and Chandler’s mum drops the lovely line: “Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?”