Eurovision 2016: The best, the worst, the weirdest

SPOILERS: From Julia Zemiro’s best quips to the contestant who came last while dressed like a nong, here’s all you need to know about Eurovision 2016.

Our girl did real good. Picture: AFP PHOTO / JONATHAN NACKSTRAND

WARNING: Spoilers ahead, so don’t read on if you’re yet to watch the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest and want it to be a surprise.

So we know who won and we know the gorgeous Dami Im came a hugely impressive second, but what of the real highlights of Eurovision this year?

Imagine coming last while dressed like that

Gwen Stefani must be rolling in her grave. Picture: AFP PHOTO / JONATHAN NACKSTRAND

Poor old Germany. Contestant Jamie-Lee’s heart was in the right place — a committed vegan, she had announced that her fur, wool and leather-free costume was entirely cruelty-free. Unfortunately it also made her look like a Harajuku Girl who’d had a big night out in the Berghain after hopping off a red-eye from Tokyo. As BBC host Graham Norton quipped, ‘Germany: Getting back from a gap year in Japan all casual-like.’ The song wasn’t up to much, but the last-place position was undoubtedly down to that shocker of an outfit.

Feelin’ thirsty? We’ve got you covered

France’s Amir, just a treat and a treasure. AFP

Freddie from Hungary could only hit the high notes with a cool blast of air to the nip. Picture: AFP

For Eurovision’s core global audience of straight ladies and homosexualists, the comencement of the contest each year poses one important question: With which contestant can I spend the rest of the year fantasising I’m enjoying a torrid Contiki affair? Ladies and gentlemen, may we present France’s Amir and Freddie from Hungary, both winners in their own special way.

“Translated, the song is called ‘I’ve been looking — well yes we have,” said Julia Zemiro of Amir’s entry, J’ai cherché.

“You’ve been looking at him all week,” SBS co-commentator Sam Pang shot back.

“Can I just say something? If he went on Tinder, he would break it. BREAK IT.”

You know you’re hot when Mans Zelmerlow looks average by comparison.

Special shout-out to the unknown gentleman above, who appeared for a mere moment during hosts Mans Zelmerlow and Petra Mede’s song before Petra pushed him out of view of the camera. Don’t touch our man, P.

The song you’ll still be playing in a year’s time

OK, we’re just gonna say it: Bulgaria wuz robbed. Singer Poli Genova had it all with her track If Love Was A Crime: oh-so-2016 tropical house touches. A stonking great chorus sung in her mother tongue. A not-so-subtle lyrical nod to the anti-gay laws in Russia (‘If love was a crime then we would be criminals / Locked up for life but I’ll do the time/ They’ll never break us down’). She scored an impressive number four placing, but to be honest, we wouldn’t have been mad if she’d beaten Our Dami.

Sucks to be the United Kingdom

Ironically for an act that fared so badly, their song was called ‘You’re Not Alone’. Picture: AP Photo/Martin Meissner

You have to feel for them. For so many years Britain’s Eurovision acts have been the personification of the shrug emoji, but in 2016, they actually seemed to be in with a chance. Duo Joe & Jake were attractive, great performers, and had an anthemic, Coldplay-esque upbeat number to deliver in You’re Not Alone. Their reward? A third-last placing. Honestly, the UK could now be forgiven for just dethawing Englebert Humperdink and shipping him over to Kiev in 2017.

Spare a thought too for Spain — singer Barei’s Say Yay! was a chart-ready house-pop number which for some reason finished a disappointing 22nd.

Please Cyprus your guitars have no business here

Cyprus: When Eurovision calls, YOU SEND A NICE WOMAN IN A SHINY DRESS SINGING ELECTRO-POP. Picture: AFP PHOTO / JONATHAN NACKSTRAND

The Cypriot entry was Alter Ego, a rock band singing a perfectly serviceable knock-off of The Killers Somebody Told Me. The only concession to Eurovision campery? A single ridiculous wolf howl from the lead singer. No thank you, back to the Cypriot pub rock circuit you go.

LOL sucked in Russia

Stop showing off Sergey, no-one’s impressed (OK we’re a little impressed). Picture: AFP PHOTO / JONATHAN NACKSTRAND

The favourites going in to the competition, Russia ended up placing third. It was satisfying to see them fall short given their performance was a video-screen light-show high on special effects dazzle, but seriously low on tunage. A welcome reminder that, at Eurovision, the song is all important (as evidenced by winner Jamala with her deeply personal ballad about her grandmother’s experience of war, 1944).

Julia Zemiro was keen to point out during the broadcast that Russian entry Sergey Lazarev would tell anyone who’d listen that he’s too much of a famous star to be doing Eurovision, so it was quite nice to see him taken down a peg or two. What’s Russian for schadenfreude?

Julia and Sam, gems as always

Love these two.

Australia’s SBS correspondents Julia Zemiro and Sam Pang were as welcome as ever. While Julia sighed dreamily about France’s handsome entrant Amir, she asked Sam what he thought.

“I think that was wonderful; he’ll also be bald in three years,” he sniffed.

We have to hand it to him, Sam was on fire this year. Here are some of their best:

Sam

“Final song of Eurovision this year is LoveWave — which was also my nickname in high school.”

“[The Swedish contestant] threatens to break out into dance — that is an idle threat. Not even when the word ‘Dance’ flashes up behind him will he dance.”

“The Polish entrant has some advice for young up and comers: Be yourself. Nice in theory, doesn’t always work.”

“[Austria’s] a happy singer — three solid minutes of smiling here. Which usually hides a deep sadness, but I think she is just genuinely happy.”

Julia

“One of Dami’s first singing jobs was in a local Chinese restaurant where the owner kept turning the PA down. Right there is the clash between art and business.”

Introducing special musical guest Justin Timberlake: “When that was first announced I got it wrong and thought it was Justin Bieber. Two days I thought we were getting Bieber! SO relieved ...”

“[British duo Joe and Jake] have everything that Jedward didn’t: Humility, sanity and talent.”

Lee Lin Chin dressed as the Sydney Opera House to deliver Australia’s points because she’s Lee Lin f**king Chin

The Chin is in.

Bow down, bitches.

The Eurovision Song Contest screens 7:30pm tonight on SBS.