Federal Election 2022: James Weir recaps Anthony Albanese’s win

Julie Bishop stole last night’s election coverage and made it her mission to derail one fellow star. James Weir recaps.

Anthony Albanese may have won election night but Julie Bishop was the star of the show during the television coverage, with the former deputy Liberal leader gleefully trolling the likes of Bill Shorten and Barnaby Joyce until they were undisguisably exasperated.

Her trouble-making antics on the Channel 9 panel made it the must-watch coverage out of all the free-to-air channels, with rivals failing to spike their casts with a celebrity commentator who could offer the glitz, glam and sass of J-Bish.

No doubt Channel 9 execs were patting themselves on the back for getting her to appear, even after the network’s bungled leaders’ debate that got trashed by viewers. Nine’s political editor Chris Uhlmann cried for a week after we all badmouthed it. Good to see he stopped his mascara from running before hitting the panel last night.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

Julie made it clear early in the night that she was the headline act and the seven panellists next to her were merely supporting players. Except for Bill Shorten. He was there as an unofficial target for her to openly mock.

It started when the hosts gave a quick update on the west Sydney seat of Fowler and how it looked like Kristina Keneally — who Labor parachuted into the electorate — would lose what had initially been seen as a safe win. And just as host Peter Overton was about to move on, Julie decided to pipe up.

“What would that mean for Labor, Bill, that there is such a swing against Kristina Keneally in Fowler?” she pretended to thoughtfully muse while looking at the former opposition leader with faux concern. “It sends a pretty powerful neg to the grassroots campaign there, doesn’t it?”

Her sly tone made it clear this was not a genuine question.

Bill scrunched up his face and looked at her like she’d just ankle-tapped him from behind for no reason.

“Thanks for that insight, Julie,” he muttered.

“You’re going to get them all through the night, so get used to ‘em,” she cocked her head with a smile.

Strap in, Bill.

And she was right. With her New Haircut Confidence, Julie was treating this six-hour broadcast like it was an audition to get her own TV show.

By the time Peter Overton threw to a live cross with Barnaby Joyce, she was riding high and decided to start mocking the Deputy PM, too.

It should be noted, Barnaby came into the live-cross already fed up. Like, he’s never not fed-up — but last night, he had reached the end of his tether by 7pm.

“Let’s bring in the National Party now, we’re pleased to have Barnaby Joyce on the line. Do we have you there?” co-host Alicia Loxley said.

Footage cut to Barnaby squinting at the camera.

“Can you see me?” he barked.

Yes, Barnaby. It’s national television. We can all see you.

It was like dealing with your dad who doesn’t quite know how to use “the FaceTime”.

There’s a microphone, Barnaby — you don’t need to yell.

This is when Julie just started blatantly trolling him.

“Barnaby, you’re looking a bit glum tonight,” she mock-frowned.

Julie, c’mon — you know that’s just how his face looks.

He dismissed her with an eyeroll.

Winding up Barnaby will never not be funny.

Then the rest of the panel jumped on board and started teasing him.

“Just one smile, Barnaby!” they all pleaded.

This tipped him over the edge. He rolled his eyes, groaned and then the live cross cut out.

Calm down, girl.

Over on Channel 7, it was nowhere near as chaotic. But that’s not to say producers didn’t try. Clearly, execs were spewin’ they couldn’t secure J-Bish on their panel, so they put their heads together and got the next best thing: Michaelia Cash.

Obviously they were hoping we’d all be dumb enough to think it was Julie. After all, Michaelia Cash is without a doubt the Shelbyville version of Julie Bishop.

Is it Julie or Michaelia? It’s impossible to tell.

Seven’s political editor Mark Riley was also trying to impress us with his graphs that were being projected on what was officially knows as “The Screen of Dreams”. For those of you who didn’t witness it, the magical screen was literally just the computer monitor from Edwina Bartholomew’s desk in the Sunrise production office.

Return this to Eddie’s desk by Monday pls.

It was a feeble attempt from Seven to compete with Antony Green’s jumbotron over on ABC. Now, Antony’s a great fella. But producers have gotta stop making him use this kind of new technology. He’d be more comfortable with a blackboard and a piece of chalk.

Witnessing Antony Green using the touchscreen jumbotron was like watching your granddad trying to use an iPad while yelling at it.

“Whoops, first time all night I’ve hit the wrong button,” he said, frantically jabbing his fingers at the screen.

Yeah, sure, pop. First time.

A few minutes later, he started thumping the glitching jumbotron.

“Go away!” he yelled at the screen as different tabs opened.

Leigh Sales sighed and kicked herself for not bringing in one of her kids to teach pop how to use the iPad.

‘What’s an emoji?’

Antony’s tech tantrum got so frustrating to watch that we decided to flip the channel and see what was happening over on Ten.

Psych. Absolutely no one flipped over to Channel 10. They had a panel of nobodies. Why didn’t producers ask Lisa Wilkinson to helm it?

She could’ve flawlessly kept all the plates spinning and single-handedly nailed six-hours of live coverage. And if execs really wanted another co-host involved, they could’ve just made Tommy Little sit next to her and occasionally interject with dick jokes.

That’s hindsight for you.

Back on Nine, it was time for them to pull out their other secret weapon: a hologram robot who strummed a ukulele that was then used to smash CGI animations of politicians’ heads while April Sun In Cuba played.

It was a creative idea but, really, it should’ve been a cartoon bulldozer that steamrolled over politicians’ faces. More topical and current.

Anyway, the whole segment must’ve stung for Karl Stefanovic to see. He reportedly begged his bosses to be involved in election night coverage and they literally preferred the idea of using a computer generated robot.

Pretty soon, CGI robots will be replacing all TV stars.

While all that was going on, Julie continued to taunt Bill Shorten — interjecting with sly remarks that she’d disguise as helpful observations. At some point, she even started punctuating her sarcastic remarks with the hashtag, “#JustSayin’”.

“Listen, the test is: if we’re behind the Libs, we’re stuffed,” Bill commented on the Brisbane seat of Griffith.

“That’s the technical term, isn’t it?” Julie mocked.

When Albo’s win was called, the rest of the panel congratulated Bill on his party’s success. But Julie? It was time to troll again.

“Bill, I have got a text message — I’ve got to share it with you. This is breaking news: Chloe wants to know what you are getting her for her birthday tomorrow,” she said, before demanding Bill reveal what his wife’s present is. “I want you to announce it on national TV!”

Bill tried to drown out her taunting cheers.

“It is a surprise! I have got her something! It is a surprise!” he yelled back.

Julie had New Hair Confidence.

Bill was more than relieved when attention finally turned to ScoMo’s imminent concession speech.

TV crews were positioned outside Kirribilli House, waiting for Sco to leave and make his way into the city to address the nation.

Rain was pouring down on Sydney’s lower north shore and, when the PM’s BMW sedan sped off over the Harbour Bridge, Channel 9 had a guy chase after it on a scooter — with live footage streaming back to the studio from the VespaCam. But the scooter driver got so distracted trying not to crash that the camera ended up just filming blurry bitumen for most of the ride:

Gripping television.

Then the BMW whooshed down a concrete ramp into an underground carpark and almost wiped out Channel 9 reporter Fiona Willan, who practically had to bodyroll to safety and then jump back on her feet to do an impromptu live cross for the VespaCam:

Manic scenes.

Inside the hotel, while ScoMo walked onstage with Jenny and the girls, one big question hovered: Would Jenny show her fingers?

Just weeks after her husband appeared with a bandaged thumb and tried to evade telling the Australian people how he cut the appendage, Jenny appeared in a photo on Thursday with a Band-Aid on her finger.

How’d she cut it? And what the hell’s going on in the Morrison household with the knives? She knew it was the answer we were all dying to know.

In an attempt to dodge a media scene that would overshadow her husband’s humble moment, she decided to cover the injury with two metre-long sleeves.

Show us ya finger!

Her trick worked and ScoMo was able to deliver his speech.

“Three years ago I stood before you and I said, I believe in miracles,” he began.

And, just like three years ago, we cringed in anticipation that the gathered crowd of hyper-enthusiastic Liberal supporters would instigate a group call-and-response and yell back, “Where ya from? You sexy thing!”

After he walked off stage, the cameras had nothing to film, so they just started following former PM John Howard, who seemed lost and like he was trying to find the RSL courtesy van to get back to the nursing home.

‘Margh!’

We were left waiting for one last thing: Albo’s speech. He hit the stage at Canterbury-Hurlstone Park RSL and teared up as the reality of the momentous occasion set in. His supporters cheered louder. Then, he roused on them.

“Can we dial it down?” he warned.

“Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi! Oi Oi!” some boys yelled.

Albo furrowed his brow and raised his voice.

“No! No! No! Down! Down!” he scolded his supporters, as if they were Toto jumping on his new bed at Kirribilli House.

“Can we have order, please?! … I intend to run an orderly government and it starts here. So, behave!”

Well then. Sounds like it’s gonna be a fun three years.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

ScoMo never yelled at us like this #JustSayin.