Australian politics, it turns out, is a lot like Game of Thrones

IT TURNS out you don’t need to go to Foxtel to get your fix of your favourite fictional characters. Who is the Jon Snow or Daenerys Targaryen of parliament?

WELL, once more the world is reeling from the latest season of the planet’s most popular TV series and fans are already going through more withdrawals than the Commonwealth Bank.

But the good news is that Game of Thrones hasn’t really ended at all. In fact it is still going stronger than ever.

The only catch is that it’s happening in real life and if the White Walkers win we will all actually die.

Indeed, the only possible way to explain the sheer lunacy of Australian politics at the moment is that God is such a big fan of Foxtel He has decided to recreate the series in real life just to see what happens.

Much like Westeros, our continent is facing an existential threat that could wipe out life as we know it but our political leaders are all too busy squabbling amongst themselves to do anything about it.

To the north we face a new and terrifying enemy that is only part human and whose motives are a baffling incoherent mystery, and no, I’m not talking about the Queensland branch of One Nation.

If Kim Jong-un were on Game of Thrones... Picture: KRT via AP

Kim Jong-un and his people are almost supernaturally similar to White Walkers — thoroughly brainwashed, completely isolated from the civilised world, often emaciated and extremely fond of dressing in grey.

Meanwhile, back home in King’s Landing, we have Malcolm Lannister-Turnbull. Just like Jaime, Malcolm is handsome, clever and loves a leather jacket. His only real crime is that he’s in the wrong party — er, sorry, I mean “noble house”.

He stays there of course because he is secretly in love with the woman who gives him all his power, while striking fear into the hearts of all who cross her path.

This brings us to Julie Bishop, Australia’s very own Cersei Lannister: fiercely intelligent, disarmingly beautiful and with a gaze that can disembowel a man at thirty paces. Together Jaime and Cersei are Canberra Landing’s ultimate power couple, but while Jaime is the one who does all the heavy lifting it’s Cersei that everyone’s really afraid of.

And, as we know, a Lannister always pays his debts, which explains the Turnbull government’s ongoing obsession with repairing the Budget deficit.

But of course the Lannisters didn’t end up on the throne by accident. First they had to dispose of the Mad King — or, as Australians affectionately refer to him, the Mad Monk.

Canberra’s ultimate power couple, Julie Bishop and Malcolm Turnbull. Picture: Ron Erdos/sarcastic.com.au

Naturally this involved an extensive plot that resulted in Jaime wielding the sword at the urging of his co-conspirators only to cop all the blame after things went wrong. Still, at least that was one debt he repaid with interest.

It is at this point, however, that things get complicated.

Jon Snow is, unavoidably, Bill Shorten. Yes, I know Bill Shorten is nowhere near as attractive as Jon Snow but at least they are both roughly the same size.

Nor do the similarities end there. Jon has built a reputation as the champion of the common people, even though — unbeknownst to many — he is in fact from royal blood, while Bill has built a reputation as the champion of the common people, even though — unbeknownst to many — he is in fact from Xavier College.

Both are therefore unquestionably born to rule, the only difference being that Jon Snow didn’t spend the first four decades of his life telling that to everyone he met.

As for Theon Greyjoy, there is no better candidate than Richard Di Natale — an equally complex and sympathetic character. And just like Theon it is entirely possible for Di Natale to gain the support of his people, but only if he gets his balls lopped off in the process.

This brings us to the ultimate question: Who is Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons? Even as you read this, I think you have realised the terrible truth.

Yes, it is Tanya Plibersek, the great white hope of the poor and oppressed who is destined for magnificence only to end up playing second banana to Bill Snow.

Let’s face it, they even look and talk the same. And Tanya Tanyaryen also controls two mighty dragons. One is called “the rank and file” and the other is called “internal polling”.

Of course, as we all know, there is a third dragon that has escaped and is under the spell of an aforementioned backward communist ideology. That one is called “Jeremy Corbyn”.

Bill Shorten as Jon Snow, Richard Di Natale as Theon Greyjoy and Tanya Plibersek as Daeneryn Targaryen. Picture: Ron Erdos/sarcastic.com.au

It also goes without saying that Nick Xenophon, the master of pragmatic intrigue and media manipulation, is Littlefinger — or at least he was until it was discovered he was a secret double agent. Thankfully we now have a name for people like him: “Senators”.

The only remaining piece of the puzzle is Pauline Hanson. At first I thought she might be the High Sparrow, who commands absolute adherence to an extreme sect under pain of death, but then I realised that was Lee Rhiannon. Besides, the only thing that Pauline Hanson tortures on a regular basis is the English language.

I also thought for a while she might even be Daenerys Targaryen but Daenerys, unlike Pauline, is quite fond of dark bearded men from the desert.

And at one point I thought that perhaps she was Yara Greyjoy, Queen of the Iron Islands, but then I remembered she doesn’t like people who travel by boat.

Or maybe it was Melisandre, that other red-headed sorceress who kept going on about the Lord of Light and torched people who looked different? Granted, she certainly had the light but still no cigar.

Because the thing about Game of Thrones is that for all its bloodshed and gore, all its violence and destruction, everything actually happens for a reason. Even the darkest and most depraved people are rational in their way. They might be evil but they are at least understandable.

By contrast so much about politics here and the world over is now just stupid and weird. The real danger isn’t the inhumanity, it’s the insanity.

As a result, even the mind of a pseudo-sadistic fantasist is still incapable of conjuring up a world as crazy, parochial, short-sighted and self-interested as the one we now find ourselves living in.

And rest assured, if we don’t get our shit together, winter is coming.

“Littlefinger”

Nick Xenephon is ...