Melbourne summer music festival guide: what not to do

HEADING to Future? Don your denim cut-offs and get ready for a good time with our Melbourne music festival guide - what not to do.

Play it cool. Smiling is for suckers.

FULLY sick tunes and phat beats are drawing hordes to dance their days away with 50,000 of their closest friends as music festivals kick into gear.

So dust off your spray tan machine, don your denim cut-offs and get ready for a good time with our guide to Melbourne summer music festival season - what not to do.

Warning - loose behaviour ahead.

 Be sure to bring your girlfriend because you just never know when you might need her.

For those moments when it's impossible to see Calvin Harris over the heads of your fellow revellers and you need your loving girlfriend to give you a leg up. And they say chivalry is dead.

Girlfriends can be so helpful.

Don't forget to hydrate. Being in the sun all day dancing to your favourite beats can be exhausting. Make sure you sneak in your 'goon' bag so you can be as bogan as possible while wetting your whistle.

Boxed wine is so refreshing.

>> GOT A GREAT FESTIVAL STORY OR THOUGHT OF ONE WE'VE MISSED? Tell us in the comments below

 Pack your man bag thoughtfully. Because you wouldn't want to be the only one without your purse. That would just be embarrassing.

How many man-bags can you see?

Wear as little as possible. It doesn't matter if the sun is shining or the rain is pouring, you're at a music festival. If your shoulders, chest, midriff, legs or bum are covered, you're practically a nun.

Who needs a shirt?

Pouty duck faces mandatory. T-shirts optional.

Skimpy is best.

Don't smile. You're at a music festival, you're not there to have fun. You're there to take your shirt off, flash the guns and take the most serious selfies ever to post on Instagram. Mission accomplished.

Play it cool. Smiling is for suckers.

Coordinate with your mates. Line up, ladies! Who wouldn't want a man who dresses exactly like his friends? Not only does it look great, if they get lost you can still find your fellas.

Or gents, if you'd like a well-coordinated female, music festivals have those too...

Ladies, get in line.

Look out, the riot squad is here.

Pre-prepare your stunts before you get there. We're sure these boys put in many weird hours of rehearsal to make sure they had this absolute lady-killer stunt nailed on festival day. Don't pretend you're not impressed.

Circus, here we come.

Always strive for the best view. Because this won't end in tears. And broken limbs. And a cracked skull. And an extended stay in the hospital. Party on, people.

How's the view?

Polish up your photo-bombing skills. It's not juvenile, unoriginal, annoying and been done to death, it's cool. His mum said so.

'Dude, I'll photo-bomb those girls, it's a totally original idea.'

Try not to end up in a rubbish bin. This guy really didn't try hard enough.

Trash talkin'.