Ryan Gosling’s directorial debut, Lost River, has been panned by critics at Cannes

HE MAY be pretty, but according to a number of film critics, Ryan Gosling can’t direct a movie to save himself. Here are the harshest reviews of Lost River.

HE MAY be pretty, but according to a number of film critics, Ryan Gosling can’t direct a movie to save himself.

The Hollywood hunk wrote, produced and directed Lost River which debuted at Cannes and was almost universally panned.

The indie film stars Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks and is about a single mother who’s swept into a dark underworld, while her teenage son discovers a road that leads him to a secret underwater town.

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Here are some of the harshest reviews of Gosling’s directorial debut:

The Guardian: “It is colossally indulgent, shapeless, often fantastically and unthinkingly offensive and at all times insufferably conceited.”

The Telegraph: “The whole project has the smell of called-in favours: Benoit Debie, the cinematographer who shot Spring Breakers, gives the images a grainy, colour-drenched veneer of fake authenticity, but he’s so much better than this, as are the entire indie A-list cast, who wouldn’t normally have touched this script with five bargepoles tied together.”

HITFIX: “It is a first film and it shows. Gosling doesn’t stage scenes so much as he drops people into these environments, letting things linger in hopes that some profundity will emerge.”

The Playlist: “The film is ultimately kind of juvenile and dumb, and there are more moments where you’ll roll your eyes rather than inwardly applauding. And given the talent assembled, the emptiness at its centre only makes it feel like more of a waste.”
Variety: “Had Terrence Malick and David Lynch somehow conceived an artistic love-child together, only to see it get kidnapped, strangled and repeatedly kicked in the face by Nicolas Winding Refn, the results might look and sound something like Lost River.”

If a $200 haircut and $900 shades were given lots of money to defecate on Detroit, the result would be Ryan Gosling's directing debut.

— Wesley Morris (@Wesley_Morris) May 20, 2014

Sub-type: comment CAPTION: If a $200 haircut and $900 shades were given lots of money to defecate on Detroit, the result would be Ryan Gosling's directing debut.— Wesley Morris (@Wesley_Morris) May 20, 2014

Cannes so far lacks a film-maudit crapocalypse. LOST RIVER just supplied it. All Gosling's pet Lynch films, filtered through Refnvision.

— Tim Robey (@trim_obey) May 20, 2014

Sub-type: comment CAPTION: Cannes so far lacks a film-maudit crapocalypse. LOST RIVER just supplied it. All Gosling's pet Lynch films, filtered through Refnvision.— Tim Robey (@trim_obey) May 20, 2014