Baywatch movie: Critics were less than impressed

THE stars of the Baywatch movie might be hot, but the film itself is not, reviewers say. Apparently “it washes up on the beach like a dead whale.”

THE stars of the Baywatch movie might be hot, but the film itself is not according to the majority of critics.

Set to hit Aussie cinemas next Thursday (June 1), the big screen adaptation of the 90s TV show has been panned by those who have had a sneak peek and currently has just a 13 per cent approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

So what are their gripes with the movie? Here’s a taste from some of the most damning reviews:

“In-between laugh-free expositionary scenes, there are moments in which the movie strains for edginess, dropping F-bombs, blasting Notorious B.I.G. and, at one point, following up a reference to stingrays with the line, ‘Steve Irwin, RIP!’ Even Johnson, who is physically incapable of being unlikeable, can’t do anything to save it. This beach ain’t ready.” — Empire Online

Kelly Rohrbach as CJ Parker, Alexandra Daddario as Summer, Ilfenesh Hadera as Stephanie Holden, Dwayne Johnson as Mitch Buchannon, Zac Efron as Matt Brody and Jon Bass as Ronnie in Baywatch.

“It washes up on the beach like a dead whale ... It all feels woefully juvenile, and many of the jokes strain harder than Hasselhoff sucking in his gut back in Season 9. ‘Who taught you to drive? Stevie Fu**ing Wonder?’ one character cracks.” — New York Post

“There’s a slight homophobic bent to the humour, as the male characters freak out about being close to male genitalia or having to touch another man. The film may pretend it’s more sophisticated than the show that spawned it, but its comedic stylings are alarmingly regressive.” — Screen Daily

“Back in 1995, The Brady Bunch Movie showed that there was a clever, postmodern way to turn our mothballed childhood memories into irreverent satire. But with the exception of the first 21 Jump Street, Hollywood seems to be beyond the point of putting any effort into these things. Aside from some mild laughs that come from the alpha-dog friction between Johnson and Efron, Damian Shannon and Mark Swift’s script is a lazy barrage of sad-trombone product-placement gags and red-band boobs-and-boners jokes.” — Entertainment Weekly

Dwayne Johnson as Mitch Buchannon, from left, Ilfenesh Hadera as Stephanie Holden and Kelly Rohrbach as CJ Parker in Baywatch.

“Ultimately more forgettable then deplorable, Baywatch isn’t so much a disastrous spill in the ocean as it is disposable garbage making a mess.” — The Playlist

“An opening boner gag turns into a c**k-and-balls-jammed-between-wooden-lounge-chair-panels routine within the film’s first breaths, and we’re immediately clued into the raunch-factor to follow. Dead dicks, innuendos, swinging junk assertions — you get the point. I’m no prude, but comedy needs to be written by both male brains (without the locker room feel, too). Baywatch is just one raging hard-on slathered in tanning oil.” — We Got This Covered

“Baywatch is a crushing disappointment and a waste of quite a bit of talent. It is technically a comedic farce based on a dramatic television series, yet it is shockingly unfunny and hopelessly bland. The picture has nothing to say, either about the show on which it is based or anything else of value.” — Forbes

“By about halfway in, the gags dry up and the story sinks like an overweight tourist who took a dip too early after the all-you-can-eat surf’n’turf buffet.” — The Guardian

“A big-screen reboot so lifeless and mechanical that even its end-credits outtakes are not amusing, Baywatch proves much less than the sum of its undeniably attractive body parts.” — The Hollywood Reporter

Despite the poor reviews, the chemistry between Efron and Johnson is undeniable.