2013 Oscar Awards, what you need to know about the Academy Awards post show

HERE, we give you a review of the Oscars, picking the highs and lows of winners and losers that made us cringe, cry and laugh.

HERE, Leigh Paatsch gives us his review of the Oscars, picking the highs and lows of winners and losers that made us cringe, cry and laugh.

Roger that, Wilko: Nine Network entertainment editor Richard Wilkins usually kicks off an Oscars telecast by summoning a perfect storm of cringe-inducing questioning and unintentional comedy. We expect it. It is our right. This year, Wilko gave us nothin'. Sure, he might have assessed the winning chances of our "Hugh Jackson." And yes, Nicole Kidman did tell Richard she wasn't really listening to a thing he was saying. Nevertheless, we expect more of a whole lot less from the man who can make a red carpet blush like no-other.

Seth MacFarlane as host: The creator of the hit animated TV comedy Family Guy and the box-office smash Ted was a curious choice as host. Somewhat uncuriously, he tanked early (would you open with a musical number titled "We Saw Your Boobs"?) and never recovered.  Any love that remained in the room was gone once he did his terrible Lincoln gag : "The actor who really got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth." MacFarlane's smarmy delivery and graceless choice of targets (women, Jews, gays and blacks just kept copping it) guarantees he won't be back next year. Still he remains a lasting inspiration to anyone who has been forced to go through life looking like the middle brother from The Brady Bunch.

Seth MacFarlane

 
 Timing is everything.  And nothing ... : A hallmark of the typical 21st century Oscars ceremony has been arriving at a point - usually as hour two becomes hour three - where an irreversible torpor sets in. MacFarlane's laboured shenanigans deserves some of the blame. But not all of it. The Oscars show just comes saddled with too much traditional deadweight (e.g. a shout-out from the Academy CEO to "come visit our new museum in Burbank!") to match the nimble and edgy Golden Globes as an entertaining experience. In one cut-away near the end of the Oscars telecast, Robert De Niro appeared to be asleep. Enough said.
 
 
Come on now, was the show really all that bad?: For the most part, no. But its very best, it sat in the middle of the road, and ploughed along at a very safe chug. Definitely too many musical numbers. MacFarlane's opener carried four tunes in its own right. A scene-stealing Shirley Bassey (doing a cracking rendition of Goldfinger at the age of 76!) brought the crowd to their feet. An extended Les Miserables warble-a-thon brought the crowd to the brink of stuffing their ears with scrunched-up bits of the official program.

Dame Shirley Bassey

 
 They wuz robbed: Much has been written about Argo helmsman Ben Affleck failing to even crack it for a Best Director nomination. With Argo going on to win Best Picture, it now stands as the biggest collective oversight/stuff-up in Oscars history. At least Affleck got to deliver the speech he should have made, with his fellow Argo producers ceding him the microphone in their shared moment of glory.

Ben Affleck

 
They wuzn't robbed: In the absence of Affleck from the Best Director contest, it was great to see Life of Pi's Ang Lee come from seemingly nowhere to pip hot fave Steven Spielberg (Lincoln) at the post. Lee is not only one of the industry's true nice guys. He is also a world-class filmmaker whose remarkable body of work transcends all demographics, tastes, ethnicities and rules of the game.

Ang Lee

 
Happy Birthday, 007: An entire segment devoted to celebrating 50 years of the James Bond franchise seemed like a strategic PR initiative achieving full market penetration. Stay tuned next year for a segment celebrating 10 years of the Saw franchise.

Jack Nicholson

 
Best presenter of the night: Jack Nicholson. Was clearly having a whale of a time. Even having US First Lady Michelle Obama as a second banana was not going to kill his buzz. What a great old salt Jack is.

Michelle Obama

 
Worst presenter of the night: Kristen Stewart. Continues to throw some very odd shapes when going about such simple everyday business. Like walking, talking, breathing, and appearing to care.

 
Most fun winner: Jennifer Lawrence. Took a real tumble en route to the stage on a night where most on stage were going down like bowling pins. Picked herself up and played the crowd like a grand piano. A rare talent, she. Daniel Day-Lewis (quite a funny guy) a close second.

Jennifer Lawrence

 
Most fun loser: Lawrence's fellow Best Actress nominee, little Quvenzhané Wallis of Beasts of the Southern Wild fame. Imagine being 9 years old and going to the Oscars as a shining example of your craft. Like Jack Nicholson, Wallis was there to enjoy every last centimetre of the ride.

 
Any further suggestions, improvements to be made, etc.?: Give the hosting gig to Tina Fey and the sidekick of her choice right away. Re-vamp the show schedule with an emphasis on pace and spontaneity. Do send Kristen Stewart an invite by all means, but don't put the correct date or location on it.