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Dirty Dancing and other movie remake catastrophes

NOBODY puts Baby in the corner but the person who came up with the Dirty Dancing remake should be. Forever.

Kim StephensKim Stephens
@kimbo_stephens
5 min read
May 26, 2017 - 7:07PM
ABC's Dirty Dancing remake

IF THERE are two frames that perfectly encapsulate the disastrous Dirty Dancing remake, here they are, courtesy of the internet.

Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze in the original version of Dirty Dancing, versus not-Jennifer Grey and not-Patrick Swayze in the made-for-TV remake. Watch out, not-Patrick, I think you’re about to be body-slammed.
Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze in the original version of Dirty Dancing, versus not-Jennifer Grey and not-Patrick Swayze in the made-for-TV remake. Watch out, not-Patrick, I think you’re about to be body-slammed.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner but social media certainly wants the person who came up with the hairbrained remake idea put there and left there for all eternity.

The made-for-TV reboot aired in the US on Wednesday, and, a country currently divided by politics enjoyed a brief couple of hours of unity, fuelled by its hate of the ridiculous newcomer.

There is no doubt the acting in the iconic 1987 dance tale was far from Oscar-calibre.

And though littered with cringe-worthy moments, the 80s-does-60s romance had all the elements that saw it achieve enduring icon status.

Notably, Patrick Swayze.

His singlet-clad dance instructor Johnny Castle, the guy with the moves but from the wrong side of the tracks, won over not just the shy, intellectual doctor’s daughter, Baby. Through the power of an awesome soundtrack, forbidden dance and shiftlessness he won over an entire generation of women. Swoon.

Like all remakes of iconic films, Dirty Dancing was always going to be a tough sell and let’s face it, it’s only been eight years since Swayze died, so many of us are still in mourning #toosoon

But no-one seemed prepared for the remake to look more like the endless lift recreations carried out in playgrounds and pools everywhere in the early 90s, rather than anything resembling the original movie.

And, while everyone loved Abigail Breslin’s cute, surprise stripper routine in Little Miss Sunshine, stepping into the awkward, watermelon-carrying stilettos made famous by the pre nose-job Jennifer Grey left her wide open to ridicule.

What were you even thinking, girlfriend?

But, of course, it’s not the first movie to be remade and almost universally panned.

Here’s a look at some of the other worst offenders.

POINT BREAK (1991 and 2015)

If there was one thing Patrick Swayze was gifted in, it was woefully acted movies that went on to become cult classics.

In the 1991 version, Swayze takes a turn as the bad-but-actually-good-deep-down guy, as the leader of the surfing gang who donned masks of dead US presidents to rob banks.

Keanu Reeves’ FBI agent Johnny Utah goes undercover to bust them by learning to surf.

Speaking of woeful actors. Double whammy.

When bad actors make cult movies. RIP Patrick.
When bad actors make cult movies. RIP Patrick.

The film’s final scenes, purporting to be at Victorian surfing mecca Bells Beach, were notable for the American actors trying their darndest to do Aussie accents. Shrimp on the barbie, anyone?

Yet despite its failings, the skydiving, surfing, bank-robbing action sequences, and the unlikely friendship between Swayze’s surfer dude Bodhi and Reeves’ straight-laced Johnny Utah made this a kind of blokes’ version of Dirty Dancing. Without all the girlie dancing and kissing, obvs.

The 2015 version came and went with barely a whimper.

Some guy and some other guy played the lead roles. That’s about all you need to know.

Who even are these people?
Who even are these people?

Let’s hope no-one decides to remake Ghost. Can we please just let Patrick rest in peace?

PSYCHO (1960 and 1998)

Cinematic master Alfred Hitchcock broke new ground and terrified mid-20th century audiences with perhaps his best-known work.

Gus Van Sant remade it shot-for-shot in 1998 but added one thing: Masturbation. Seriously.

One of the most celebrated films in history, the original’s infamous shower scene, in which heroine Marion Crane is stabbed to death by psychopathic motel owner Norman Bates was like nothing audiences had seen before.

The film gave birth to the modern day slasher genre and made many filmgoers too scared to shower.

Seriously, Anne Heche, are you even trying?
Seriously, Anne Heche, are you even trying?
Janet Leigh certainly looked terrified in the infamous shower scene.
Janet Leigh certainly looked terrified in the infamous shower scene.

Van Sant’s remake did not. It gave us the same film — just with no terror, so what was the point, really?

Anne Heche and Vince Vaughn took on the lead roles made famous by Janet Leigh and Anthony Perkins and the result was underwhelming.

Film critic Roger Ebert wrote at the time of the remake’s release: “The movie is an invaluable experiment in the theory of cinema, because it demonstrates that a shot-by-shot remake is pointless.”

Zing.

Vince Vaughn’s Norma Bates had an extra scene.
Vince Vaughn’s Norma Bates had an extra scene.
Anthony Perkins as the original, mother-loving psycho.
Anthony Perkins as the original, mother-loving psycho.

WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971) / CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005)

The Oompa Loompa-loving Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder, admitted he was not a fan of the remake, which starred Johnny Depp in the eccentric chocolate factory owner’s role.

“I think it’s an insult — Warner Brothers’ insult, I think,” he said.

Tell us what you really think.

“Johnny Depp, I think, is a good actor, but I don’t care for that director [Tim Burton]. He’s a talented man, but I don’t care for him doing stuff like he did.”

He was not alone.

The competing Wonkas.
The competing Wonkas.

Any remake of the classic Roald Dahl children’s story was going to be a bit different with Burton at the helm, but, after Wilder’s odd but loveable Willy Wonka, Depp’s toothy, cartoonish version divided audiences.

Though overall, the movie, unlike many other remakes, was a commercial success.

“Closer to the source material than 1971’s Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is for people who like their Chocolate visually appealing and dark,” film review site Rotten Tomatoes says.

Dark chocolate. See what they did there?

KARATE KID (1984 and 2010)

The 1984 Karate Kid film appealed to every bullied kid on the planet, as well as prompting a spike in the sale of car wax*.

*May not be true

Daniel-San, new to California, is taken under the wing of wise Japanese karate sensei Mr Miyagi, who is schooled in the ancient art of killing flies with chopsticks.

He also teaches Daniel-San the secret to karate lies in the heart and mind before the film ends with him beating the crap out of a guy who bullied him and then nabbing the girl. *Spoiler*.

Mr Miyagi also makes him wear some kind of weird headband thing that could just be because it’s the 80s.

The film had many a school kid re-enacting Mr Miyagi’s “wax-on, wax-off” teachings in the playground.

Its success spawned two sequels.

Wax on, wax off.
Wax on, wax off.

It took 26 years for the remake to happen, this time in China with Jaden Smith as Dre Parker and Jackie Chan as the Mr Miyagi-type mentor, Mr Han. It also replaced karate with kung fu.

Let’s not let the core of a plot get in the way of a good title though. Karate Kid remained.

Milk it, why don’t you?

Perhaps not a wise move though.

“It’s not often I watch a film and cheer on the bad guys, but are the bullies in this film really so bad? In fact, the erstwhile lead, played by the bratty Jaden Smith, seems worse than his adversaries, deliberately provoking them and bringing himself a great deal of pain in the process,” a review wrote on film site IMDB.

Not even Jackie Chan could save this flick.
Not even Jackie Chan could save this flick.

FOOTLOOSE (1984 and 2011)

Is nothing sacred? Kevin Bacon is still alive for crying out loud.

If the 80s gave us nothing else, it was guys who made dancing look cool.

Kevin Bacon moves to a small town where dancing is banned by the city council (why? why?) and makes it look so good, he gets all the kids to rail against it.

Look at those moves.
Look at those moves.

Because that is the power of Kevin Bacon’s moves — and his impressive, era-appropriate mullet.

He even tries, unsuccessfully, to fight the townsfolk with their own weapon — bible verses.

Though initially unsuccessful, in the end, the power of Kevin Bacon’s dancing wins over even the fun police, some of whom even rediscover they too love dancing.

It was remade 27 years later. Same story but no Kevin Bacon.

People seemed to like the new Footloose, but that was probably because they were not born in the 1980s and probably, don’t even know who Kevin Bacon is.

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Original URL: https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/movies/new-movies/dirty-dancing-and-other-movie-remake-catastrophes/news-story/257e3bef94bb90820edac5923f0b6903