21 thoughts we had while watching James Bond Spectre

SPECTRE opens the same way every Law & Order episode does. Only with a zillion more dollars and no Mariska Hargitay wearing sensible pants.

SPECTRE opens the same way every Law & Order episode does. With a frivolous scene that lulls us into a false sense of innocent fun before a dramatic turn.

“Oh my god, Trent just made jello shots!” a chick called Madison might slur in the opening scene of SVU.

“Shots! We’re doing shots! Everyone do a shot and then we’re skinny dipping!” Trent booms, lifting his tank top with one hand and making that “rock on” gesture with the other.

All the college students start stripping and running out to the pool only to find five dead bodies at the bottom of it.

Then Mariska Hargitay shows up wearing a sensible pant.

Spectre opens with a similar vibe. Only with a zillion more dollars and less sensible pants.

Here are 21 notes I wrote in my phone while watching the new James Bond.

1. It opens with a fun scene at the Day Of the Dead festival in Mexico City. So many joyous people! Even with a full-body costume covering his face, Daniel Craig can’t hide the fact he doesn’t want to be here. Maybe he’s thinking about that West End play he had to pass on in order to fill this contractual commitment. Maybe he’s thinking about the annoying Ellen interview he’ll have to give once the movie’s released.

2. Costume change. Like a Britney concert, it’s safe to assume this film will have a lot of costume changes.

3. Walking on top of a building in a suit with a gun in the middle of a city festival is totally not conspicuous.

4. Well blowing up a building will definitely get you noticed.

5. He probably has major butt sweat running in that suit.

6. Destroying a whole city and almost crashing a helicopter into thousands of people all for a crappy piece of jewellery.

7. Opening credits: Sam Smith’s song is a snooze. Should have got Madonna again.

8. Daniel Craig seems pissed off to even be involved in the opening credits.

9. Why is James Bond having a threesome with a chick and an octopus?

10. Judi Dench has been killed off but she’s still annoying Bond with video messages. I want to do that to people when I die.

11. Daniel totally has a Lisa Rinna pout.

12. A tailored light blue business shirt really makes his eyes pop. Exquisite.

13. Just once I’d like to see Bond driving a used Daihatsu.

14. If you know you’re the target of several hit men, why do you insist on hanging out in your home with no lights on?

15. Seriously, all the rooms in this movie are so freaking dark.

16. Even James Bond makes some ugly sunglasses choices.

17. Q loves a turtleneck.

18. This building’s meant to be a security marvel and the windows just shatter?

19. Bond’s off-duty look of a chino and navy polo is spot on.

20. I so want to hang out at this weird hotel/space station in the middle of the desert.

21. All black clothing. James can go straight from saving the world to a Tournament of Minds competition.

Spectre is in cinemas now.