Film review: Conan the Barbarian

I LIVE. I love. I slay. And I am content."

hit Conan the Barbarian

I LIVE. I love. I slay. And I am content."

So says Conan (Jason Momoa), the baddest, brawniest, biggest-breasted bloke in all of Cimmeria.

In this ropey reboot of the Barbarian legend - famously embodied by Arnold Schwarzenegger in his '80s prime - Conan 2.0 isn't one to do much living or loving.

But when it comes to slaying, well, you'd better stand back. Right back. Because this Coco is totally loco.

The calling card of this generic adventure-fantasy affair is how unafraid it is to look stupid at any one time. The knuckle-headed vibe in the air kind of grows on you after a while, as do the bargain-basement production values.

There has not been this many papier-mache boulders and balsa-wood sets on any screen since Kevin Sorbo's Hercules was yanked off the air more than a decade ago.

If you're after a story to follow here, you're going to have to use your imagination to fill in a hell of a lot of blanks. Not even the delivered-from-on-high narration of Morgan Freeman will be of much assistance.

What can be confirmed is this.

Conan was born on a battlefield, rescued from the tummy of his dying mum by his dad (Ron Perlman), a fearless warrior who could also perform a Caesarian section in less than 10 seconds.

As a teenager, Conan was forced to stand by and watch his old man die at the hands of Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), a villain known to harbour several semi-supernatural powers.

As an adult, Conan scours the known Earth to avenge his father's death. After hooking up with Tamara (Rachel Norris), a "purebred virgin" on the run from Zym, our hulking hero schemes up a showdown with his fearsome nemesis.

All that stands in Conan's way is a few hundred dumb henchmen, 10 shape-shifting "dust warriors" (confined to a prehistoric parkour sequence that is the standout section of the picture) and Zym's razor-fingered daughter Marique (Rose McGowan).

In defence of this blundering version of Conan the Barbarian, let it be said that the film is never guilty of being boring. The very fact no attempt is made to hide the over-acted performances and under-developed storyline will sit perfectly fine with fans of this kind of junk.

There is only one angle from which this admirably average flick loses some of its standing: the violence depicted in a handful of fight scenes goes too far for the tastes of regular viewers.

VISIT conanthebarbarianmovie.com.au

Conan the Barbarian (MA15+)
Starring: Jason Momoa, Stephen Lang, Rachel Norris, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan
2.5 stars
Let those slay bells ring