Coronavirus: The isolation insanity that needs to stay after lockdown

We’ve all done stupid things in lockdown, but we’re betting you haven’t done this. It’s true insanity – and it represents something bigger, entertainment columnist James Weir writes.

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How do you know you’ve been in isolation too long? You start attaching wheels to every piece of furniture you own.

That’s what a friend’s dad has started doing.

Feeling trapped by the enforced lockdown, he has been getting up every morning and roaming around town looking for rubbish bins to rummage through in search of wheels.

What kind of wheels? All the wheels. He’ll take whatever you got. And, every day, once all the wheels have been collected, he mixes and matches them until he finds an adequate combination to make a full set. Then he attaches them to the furniture. What kind of furniture? All the furniture. Cabinets, tables, chairs. Everything.

It has now become his dream to live in a house full of furniture on wheels. If he wasn’t already married, he could totally hook-up with that lady who lived in her shoe.

He’s a true visionary – like Steve Jobs.

Is putting wheels on all your furniture a bad idea? I can’t help but imagine, if some kind of earthquake happens, all the furniture will start rolling toward him and splatter him up against a wall.

Putting aside getting killed by your furniture, I think the concept represents a new movement. Indeed, it’s still completely insane. But it shows we’ve all taken a step back and started to appreciate the little things. (We’ve also learned to spin weird behaviour into positives so it sounds less insane, like I’m doing right now. Stay with me.)

Taking great joy in small things has come through in different ways during lockdown. Everyone has their own version.

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Like that guy who lost his job and started building tiny picnic tables for squirrels – and now it’s a booming(ish) business. Trust me, it actually happened.

It was reported this week there has been a spike in interest from people looking to move rural and buy farms. The past few months have forced everyone to rethink their lives. For some that means pulling a Sigrid Thornton and moving to a small town. For others that means experimenting with home hair dye kits. Both choices are courageous.

Australia went nuts at the sight of Katy Perry on MasterChef this week. What did she do exactly? She was just being weird and Katy.

To be honest, I can’t watch MasterChef. Between the intense music and the countdown to plating up, it’s just way too stressful. Poh’s making a beef pie, not dismantling a bomb. Calm down, please.

But, people adored the bizarre Katy Perry cameo and it was the perfect, tiny moment the country needed.

Katy Perry on MasterChef. Why? Doesn’t matter.

As the restrictions begin to ease and we stop being mole people, I hope this appreciation continues and we let ourselves get sucked into small things and obsessions and experiences. Like when you spend an afternoon listening to an entire album from start to finish and read the liner notes in the cover booklet. What a luxury to rediscover.

And walking. Walking everywhere. So much walking. Before lockdown, we didn’t have time to walk. But suddenly we had time! So we all filled our sports bottles with tequila and set off to walk around the park.

And while we were out walking, we also started saying hi to strangers. I’m on the fence about this one. I think it’s lovely, but when a stranger smiles at me on the street, it’s my personal preference to meow at them. Much more fun. You should try it.

Reading’s another one. We don’t pour over things and obsess about them like we used to. We still kind of obsess over things now, but the obsessions come in frantic spurts. Tiger King drops and suddenly everyone burrows down into Carole Baskin rabbit holes. But then something else drops and more weird news glides in and the memes don’t stop and the conversation keeps racing.

Have you been watching The Last Dance on Netflix? It’s that documentary miniseries about Michael Jordan and the 1997-1998 season for the Chicago Bulls. There’s so much to love. It’s basically a celebration of all things ‘80s and ’90s – power suits, Corvettes, hip hop, sports superstars. A time when everyone would kill to go to a stadium sports game or concert just to feel and witness a moment.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t care about sport, you’ll still like this doco.

In one episode of The Last Dance, a little girl says her parents asked if she wanted presents under the Christmas tree or to see The Bulls. She picked The Bulls.

It’s those blue pangs of nostalgia that you really feel right now – thinking about the time before limited human contact, back when we’d go out and see sport and music and events in big sweaty, noisy, crowds. The thing is, we hadn’t been experiencing it for a while – even in the time leading up to the pandemic. We’d all been gradually checking out of life in favour of staying home. If we can see the best bits on Instagram, it’s kinda like we were there, right?

Maybe this crapstorm will make us get back to basics. As the old saying goes: there’s no need to reinvent the wheel and there’s even less of a need to put wheels on all your furniture.

BUYER’S REMORSE IN ISOLATION

Being locked in our homes hasn’t stopped us from buying rubbish. Powered by internet and day drinking, we’ve all been clicking things into online carts that we absolutely don’t need. The hot ticket item during lockdown seems to be dogs. Everyone now has a bloody dog.

When we all first started working from home, people who already had dogs kept thinking it was cute to spam chats and Zoom conferences with vision of their pets sitting at their desks. Then all the lonely people got jealous and wanted to join in on the fun, so they bought dogs too.

A friend has a theory that some people only bought dogs in lockdown so they could have a legitimate excuse for being outside.

Either way, once things go back to normal, there’s going to be dog buyer’s remorse.

Buying a dog for the sole purpose of going viral and breaking the law during a pandemic is disgusting. Besides, that’s what babies are for.

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram: @hellojamesweir