‘Welcome to the White People’s Choice Awards!’ Chris Rock’s best Oscars jokes

‘WELCOME to the White People’s Choice Awards!’ Chris Rock didn’t hold back with a blistering Oscars opening monologue.

WE knew Oscars host Chris Rock would have to tackle this year’s #OscarsSoWhite race controversy, we just weren’t sure how he’d do it.

But boy, did he go hard. Rock opened the 88th Academy Awards with a blistering, hilarious and at times uncomfortable monologue riffing on racism in Hollywood, diversity and sexism.

Oscars 2016: All the live updates and winners as they happen

Stars walk the Oscars red carpet

Olivia Wilde’s Oscars look: ‘What on earth is she wearing?’

Here are the highlights:

Taking to the stage after an extended video package showing dozens of the year’s best films: “Wow, I counted at least 15 black people on that montage!”

“I’m here at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the White People’s Choice Awards!”

“If they nominated hosts, I wouldn’t even get this job. Y’all would be watching Neil Patrick Harris right now.”

‘Welcome to the White People’s Choice Awards!’ Picture: Getty

“People were like ‘Chris you should boycott, Chris you should quit.’ I thought about quitting, I thought about it real hard. The last thing I need is to lose another job to Kevin Hart. He makes movies so fast; porno stars don’t make movies that fast.”

“This is the 88th Academy Awards, which means this whole no black nominees thing happened at least 71 other times. Black people did not protest, because we had real things to protest at the time. Too busy being raped and lynched. When your grandmother’s swinging from a tree, you don’t care about Best Documentary Short.”

"Is Hollywood racist? Yah damn right Hollywood is racist." To awkward silence in the room. Such a bold thing to do from Chris Rock #Oscars

— Dan Wootton (@danwootton) February 29, 2016

“Everybody went mad. Jada [Pinkett-Smith] got mad. Jada said she’s not coming. Isn’t she on a TV show? Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties — I wasn’t invited. It’s not an invitation I’d turn down ...”

“Jada says it’s not fair Will Smith didn’t get nominated. It’s also not fair that Will was paid $US20 million for Wild Wild West.”

That monologue was solid. Real talk. @chrisrock #Oscars

— Harry Shum Jr (@HarryShumJr) February 29, 2016

“This year is gonna be a little different. This year in the In Memoriam package, it’s just gonna be black people that were shot by the cops.”

“You need to have black categories. You already do it with men and women. It’s not track and field, you need to separate them. Have categories like ‘Best Black Friend’. ‘The winner, for the 18th year in a row, is Wanda Sykes!’”

Rock burned Jada Pinkett-Smith during his opening monologue. Picture: AP

“Is Hollywood racist? Is it ‘Burning cross’ racist? No. Is it ‘Fetch me some lemonade’ racist? No. It’s a different type of racist.”

“We’ve got a black Rocky this year. Some people call it Creed, I call it Black Rocky. Rocky takes place in a world in which white athletes are as good as black athletes. That’s science fiction.”

Welp @chrisrock murdered #oscars

— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) February 29, 2016

Saying that actor Paul Giamatti, nominated in the past for his role as a slave owner in 12 Years A Slave, should have been nominated for his work in Straight Outta Compton: “Last year he’s whoopin’ Lupita, this year he’s crying at Easy-E’s funeral. Now THAT’S range.”

At the end of the Oscars, every white person in the audience should have to look Chris Rock in the face for a full minute without blinking

— Matt Bellassai (@MattBellassai) February 29, 2016

“We want opportunities. We want black actors to have the same opportunities. Jamie Foxx is one of the best actors in the world. He’s so good that they went to the hospital and unplugged Ray Charles: ‘We don’t need two of these.’”

Rock only briefly deviated from the topic of race during his opening monologue, addressing the growing disquiet about the fact women on the red carpet are asked what they’re wearing while men aren’t: “If George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on and a swan comin’ out his ass, people would ask, ‘Hey whatcha wearin’ George?’”

Best opening monologue in Oscar history.

— Jesse Tyler Ferguson (@jessetyler) February 29, 2016

After Sam Smith performed: “Amazing! My favourite song is [George Michael single] Father Figure!”

“Of all the girl-on-girl movies I’ve watched this year, I’d say Carol was about the third-best.”

In one Ellen-esque segment, Rock introduced his daughters to the stage to sell Girl Scout cookies to the famous audience members: “Leo, you made 30 million! Let’s get this money! Louis Gossett, watch out now, you got diabetes!”

Introducing presenter Kevin Hart: “Please welcome next year’s host, Kevin Hart!”

In an inspired segment, Rock cut to a pre-taped vox-pop he shot outside of a movie theatre in Compton, Los Angeles. Speaking to the largely black movie goers, he asked them for their thoughts on the race controversy and the films nominated this year.

For the most part, the titles — Spotlight, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn — were met with blank looks. One film all had seen, and loved? Straight Outta Compton, notably absent from the nominations in all major categories.

Rock’s commitment to highlighting racial issues stayed strong up until the ceremony’s final moments, as he shouted ‘Black lives matter!’ in the last few seconds of the telecast as he bid the audience goodnight.

2016 Oscars: After party snaps

VIEW GALLERY

One moment earlier in the evening did fall flat — Rock introduced former Clueless actress turned Fox News conservative pundit Stacey Dash, who courted controversy recently when she waded into the #OscarsSoWhite debate by announcing that Black History Month should be abolished.

New Academy director of diversity outreach #oscars pic.twitter.com/EqXgrDodQi

— Chris Rock (@chrisrock) February 29, 2016

Introducing ‘the new director of our Minority Outreach Program’, Rock welcomed Dash to the stage, where she stood with a smile plastered on her face, giggling.

“I cannot wait to help my people out. Happy Black History Month!’ she announced, to a stunned silence from the audience.

It was…weird:

Stacey Dash's entrance... Awkward 😳 #Oscars pic.twitter.com/gTuL6iUklj

— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) February 29, 2016

The ever-expressive model Chrissy Teigen’s reaction said it all:

Chrissy Teigen was all of us reacting to Stacey Dash #Oscars pic.twitter.com/vabY85bfz1

— Joel Pavelski (@joelcifer) February 29, 2016

The 2016 Oscars Red Carpet

VIEW GALLERY