The sad thing about Meghan Markle’s new Instagram account

After a 449-day break from social media, Meghan Markle is back on Instagram, and her new photos are making headlines — but something’s missing.

Today, we were treated to a lovely new surprise in the shape of the brand spanking new @SussexRoyal Instagram account.

For 449 long, cold, dark days, since Meghan shuttered her personal Insta presence, we have been forced to subsist on bland social media shots of she and Prince Harry shared by the @KensingtonRoyal account. (Which was also shared by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and their tiny posse of camera-ready kidlets.)

These are the kinds of joyous shots Meghan used to share online. Picture: Instagram

All we got were smiling images of the couple doing hard royal work and making elderly people smile.

Sure, in the 24 hours since the new Sussex account debuted we have only been treated to one post that featured a series of candid pics of both Hazza and Meghan out and about charming the socks off children and the crowds around the world.

Some shots from Meghan’s new Insta account.

So far, so dull, right? There’s more where this came from.

There is also a fun shot of Harry and a group of blokes either helping an elephant or trying to tip it over. Either way, what a jape!

What are they doing? Who can say. Picture: Instagram

However, this new account is a FAR cry from the social media delights we are used to from Meghan.

Let’s review shall we?

BYE BYE BIKINI YOGA

The temperature in Windsor gets down to a very nippy two degrees in winter and reaches the not-particularly warm top of 23 in summer. It is safe to say that even if Meghan DID want to pop on her fave Melissa Odabash $200 bikini for a quick series of asanas out near the topiary swans in the garden, she probably wouldn’t.

The Queen would choke on her Special K.

Also, it is a pretty safe guess to suggest the Queen would not look particularly kindly on her granddaughter-in-law stripping to show off her crow pose to her millions of new followers. #BigNoNo

NO MORE SAUCY SNAPS

While I would like to assume everyone from Camilla down in the royal family regularly splurges on some very sexy knickers at Agent Provocateur, we have no proof of that. We do, however, have a shot of Meghan on her way to shop at the very same ultra-expensive lingerie store, and this is an image that will never, ever be repeated.

RIP sexy lingerie-shopping Meghan.

We can add to this list any shots that are even vaguely sensuous or racy, and that includes sultry pool shots and come-hither images of her in bed.

Meghan in bed.

Bronzed beach babe.

BOTTOMS UP

Meghan might be renowned for her green juices, yoga and hashtag clean living, but the girl loves a good glass of something boozy. Time and again she has posted shots of her drinking in Italy, drinking in Spain, drinking in Florida and even on the Amalfi coast.

After all, her shuttered blog the Tig was named after her favourite drop, an Italian varietal called Tignanello.

Same Meghan. Same.

Meghan used to love a wine, or four.

Sadly, we probs won’t be seeing any shots of her curled up with a G & T inside her exposed wood, rustic chic Frogmore House sitting room in her cashmere trackies any time soon, and more’s the pity. I bet she makes a cracking cocktail.

RIP FREE STUFF

Way back when, when Meghan was simply a girl on a moderately successful TV show and had a moderately successful blog, she got to enjoy the fruits of her labours in the form of unsolicited gift giving. From jewellery to a stay at Istanbul’s Soho House, it is a pretty safe guess that most of these lovely things were either freebies or she got them at a discount rate on the proviso she posted about them.

That is quite some #SponCon haul.

Sadly, the royal family is prohibited from accepting anything for free (aside form official gifts and soft toys thrust at them by over eager children during walkabouts). This even extends to their vast, and very expensive, wardrobes, but luckily, they have all of that Duchy of Cornwall coin for that.

EXIT THE PAW PATROL

If there is one thing that Meghan and the royal family are in firm agreement on, it is their enduring, unwavering love for dogs. Over the years, the former actress regularly posted shots of her beloved pooches Bogart and Guy. (Guy was lucky enough to be allowed to make the move to London and has been calling Kensington Palace home. No word on whether he and the Cambridge’s pup Lupo are involved in any sort of spurious feud.)

Meghan napping with Guy.

Meghan with her beloved pooch.

However, under the list of things the royal family never betrays in public (including that no one likes the Highland Games, Buckingham Palace is slowly crumbling and Camilla is a hoot) is anything even bordering on emotion. Sure, they smile and wave, but all the real laughter and tears is saved for when the Palace gates are firmly shut and Prince Philip is in charge of the drinks trolley. Therefore, no lovey-dovey dog shots please, we’re the royal family.

NO GLIMPSE OF GEORGE AND AMAL

No more posting from Art Basel drinking rosé. No more shots of sublime azure Caribbean beaches or exploring the Instagram-perfect landscape of Iceland. A crucial part of being royal is trying to be discreet about just how seriously cashed up you are, and that means no sharing the pics on social media.

Meghan sailing on a luxury yacht.

On holiday in Jamaica.

What a shame. Because, if you are hanging out on a $300 million superyacht with the Clooneys and you can’t post about it, were you actually even there? I thought so.

Daniela Elser is a royal expert and freelance writer. Continue the conversation @DanielaElser