Royal insiders’ cutting nickname for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have earned an unflattering, mocking epithet that shows just how far they have fallen.

Harry and Meghan have earned themselves an unfortunate new nickname. Picture: Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)

Pop quiz time! Please give me the real names of the following members of the royal family: Cabbage, Fred, Gladys, Basher, Wombat, the Valkyrie, Babykins, Spike, Archie, the U-boat Commander, and Tungsten.

(They are, in order, Queen Elizabeth, King Charles, Queen Camilla, Prince William, Prince William, Princess Michael of Kent, Kate, the Princess of Wales, Prince Harry, Prince George, Princess Michael of Kent and Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex.)

Royal nicknames are an odd lot, ranging from the cutesy and affectionate (Prince Philip lovingly calling the late Queen ‘cabbage’) to the wickedly entertaining (Princess Michael, the daughter of an SS officer being labelled ‘the U-boat Commander’ by Diana, Princess of Wales).

Now we have a new one to add to that list: Arise, “the Kardashians.”

According to the Daily Mail’s diarist Richard Eden, none other than Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have been given this unflattering sobriquet “in royal circles” thanks to “their appetite for ‘accepting awards for themselves, talking about themselves, doing programs about themselves.’”

Sizzle. That is quite the burn.

The royal “Kardashians”. Picture: Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images

Elsewhere, a friend of William’s recently ‘mocked’ the Sussexes’ New York car chase to the Daily Beast’s Tom Sykes. Of the confrontation with the paparazzi, the royal pal said: “William and Catherine have put up with s**t like this in the past. Everyone understands his anger at the photographers, but making hysterical statements doesn’t help matters, especially when, as the queen might have said, recollections may vary.”

“I thought [the Sussexes] were leaving the royal family for a quieter life. If flashbulbs give Harry flashbacks, I don’t understand why he is going to award ceremonies.”

And so thus, only weeks after Harry rushed out of the UK after enduring the ire, antipathy and grey skies of London to witness his father being crowned, we have already entered the phase where those in palace circles are now openly making fun of the couple.

Oy vey.

What is so fascinating is that we have arrived at this low point in only three years, with Harry and Meghan having gone from being two of the most influential figures on the planet to regular stand-up fodder.

Of course, it is not just those with plummy accents and Brooks memberships who have been having a giggle at the Sussexes expenses.

This year Chris Rock, Trevor Noah, Jimmy Kimmel and Chelsea Handler have all made fun of the duke and duchess, with the pinnacle of course being when South Park devoted an entire episode to ruthlessly ridiculing them.

How have they fallen from having the world at their feet to looking like they are only about six months doing paid Paramus mall openings?

Whatever happened to Harry and Meghan the Great Californian Royal Threat?

How did it all go so very wrong? Let’s get the scalpel out here and do a bit of a Megxit post-mortem.

Back in 2020 and 2021, everything seemed to be coming up Sussex. There were the big money deals, all zeros and masturbatory, ego-stroking press releases put out by publicly traded companies, with, in less than a year, the couple signing on with Netflix, Spotify, BetterUp, investment firm Ethic and Penguin Random House.

They had money and they also looked set to become potent cultural forces. In March of 2021 they gave the most devastating royal insider interview since Queen Camilla told Country Life what she really thought about hedgehogs.

Meghan recently received a Women of Vision Award - which was followed by a highly-publicised alleged car chase with paparazzi. Picture: MEGA/GC Images

The duke and duchess, freshly liberated from the constraints of royal life, sat opposite Oprah Winfrey in full-on Edward the Confessor mode and dished their dirt like two human backhoes.

For a minute there in March 2021, the House of Windsor suffered quite the wobble, assailed by the Sussexes claims of racism slash unconscious bias; of the woman formerly known as Saint Kate having left Meghan in tears; of Charles as Uncaring Parent of the Year; of there possibly being a racial dimension to the title and security arrangements made for their son Archie; and of Buckingham Palace failing to protect them from the ravening forces of the press and social media.

Not only was this mouth-gaping, shocking stuff but their allegations – about race, gender, and the toxicity of the online world – fitted perfectly with the political and cultural moment.

Harry and Meghan circa 2021 looked like the ultimate whistleblowers, bravely speaking truth to the power of the crown.

When they appeared on the cover of Time 100 most influential people list six months later, it seemed fitting. (Even if the heavily photoshopped image made the couple look like a wealthy Brentwood wife and her hairdresser smugly posing after a particularly energetic blow dry.)

Then it all started to go so very wrong for Harry and Meghan.

The Sussexes, it became apparent, had only one script, which they read from again and again, each recitation of royal failures inciting less shock and interest each time. No matter the diminishing returns, the couple plugged on, taking them from courageous social justice territory to plain old solipsistic victimhood.

Along the way inconsistencies popped up in ‘their truth’, like that they were not married three days before their actual ceremony or the fact that, under the Letter’s Patent, Archie could never have been made a prince when he was born.

When their TV series, sorry, the “Netflix global event”, hit screens in December last year, it was a dramatic, high gloss nothingburger mostly, them reheating their same clutch of grievances.

It did nothing for their cause when it turned out that footage and photos from a Harry Potter premiere, a 1938 photo, a Katie Price court appearance and Michael Cohen going to jail were all spliced into the docuseries.

Consider too here the growing unease about the fact that the Sussexes were earning millions for slagging off The Firm at the same time as Harry’s grandparents were clearly entering the final chapter of their lives.

When the Sussexes gave that Oprah interview, Prince Philip was in hospital and would die only several weeks later.

Last year biographer and Camilla chum Gyles Brandreth claimed that Her late Majesty was battling a form of myeloma, a bone marrow cancer. So, in the final year of her life, the 96-year-old knew her grandson was not only writing a memoir but also filming a ‘docuseries’, a royal Rubicon-crossing if ever there has been one.

Another factor in the collapse of Brand Sussex is that they have talked a big philanthropic game, writing in their Archewell launch letter, “We invite you to join us as we work to build a better world,” only for the foundation to prove an underwhelming outfit indistinguishable from any other Hollywood celebrity’s charity.

Part of the reason might be money. Based on tax filings reported by the Daily Mail, Arcehwell has given out less than $3 million-a-year between 2020 and 2022 with that sum spread across helping with the humanitarian crisis, female empowerment, mental health, disinformation, and “building a better online world” to name only some of their causes. In contrast, in the last UK tax year for which full details are provided, William and Kate’s Royal Foundation gave out $31 million.

Their future plans remain unclear. Picture: Samir Hussein/WireImage

Over the years, their devotion to the false idol that is PR has not helped their cause either, like them taking a photographer with them to visit Commonwealth war graves which didn’t look respectful but deeply self-serving. Or putting out photos of them handing out back to school supplies to needy children in LA – a that didn’t dial up their Mother Teresa quotient but made them look like they were willing to use vulnerable families as a marketing prop.

In these and other instances, their hearts would seem to be very much in the right place – but then they also seem willing to piggyback on these sorts of well-intentioned outings to burnish their image.

All of which is to say, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have failed to make themselves into leaders or serious people who are respected and listened to by even more serious people. They have become that which the royal family fears the most – celebrities. (And celebrities whose star is definitely on the fritz.)

Add it all up – image over substance, trading their dignity and privacy for cash, airing family squabbles for the cameras – and Harry and Meghan have a startling lot in common with Kris Jenner and her tribe.

Still, if there is one thing that the Momager-in-Chief could teach the Sussexes it’s that nothing sells – and sells another TV series – like a second or third or fourth act. Dear god let us all pray we never get to the sex tape stage though …

Daniela Elser is a writer, editor and royal commentator with more than 15 years’ experience working with a number of Australia’s leading media titles.