James Weir: Reality of Harry and Meghan’s unfortunate fate

Harry and Meghan’s big plan blew up in their face this week. Luckily, there is an easy excuse the former royals can use to save face.

Harry and Meghan have more in common with our reality TV stars then they’d care to admit.

After cutting ties with the royal family and burning all bridges, the couple declared they’d be financially independent and making their own way in this cruel world.

They had plans, they said. BIG plans. And what were those plans exactly? Basically to remain famous and have money flow into their bank accounts from … somewhere. Sounds fool proof. I’m kinda annoyed my accountant hasn’t hooked me up on this same financial plan.

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It’s the same goal all reality contestants have after enduring whatever televised freak show they appear on. Married At First Sight, The Bachelor, Big Brother – doesn’t matter which one. Most contestants believe it will set them up for life and they can merely be paid for being who they are without doing anything at all.

For three months after a show, they’re on a high with people still recognising them and they go on what my mate calls “the RSL circuit”. After a reality show wraps, contestants get roped into doing publicity appearances at leagues clubs around the country. They get maxi taxied out to the suburbs and receive a few bucks for hanging around and taking photos with locals. And while all that’s happening, Samantha Jade is usually performing nearby under a giant Keno TV screen. The razzle dazzle of showbiz, huh?

Pre-COVID ... MAFS star Lizzie hits the club circuit.

Well, Corona swept in like the wicked dame she is and blew up the big plans of Harry and Meghan and also prevented all our reality stars from embarking on the glitzy RSL circuit.

Every single reality contestant who has appeared on screen this year sacrificed their reputation for nothing. Because of lockdown restrictions, they faded out immediately without enjoying the perks. And by perks I mean a complimentary schnitty.

To be honest, the RSL circuit sounds like a more solid plan that whatever Harry and Meghan had. Right now those former royals would be lucky to be maxi taxied around on the RSL circuit. They could be the support act for Rodney Rude. I bet Meghan’s definitely got a tight five stand-up set of Kate gags she could whip out.

It was reported this week the trademark application they lodged for their non-profit Archwell charity was rejected for being too vague. That’s how unsure they are about what they want to do — they don’t even have enough details to fill in a form. Apparently it was also not signed and not fully paid.

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While reality stars are lamenting COVID for thwarting their attempts at stardom, Harry and Meghan are probably breathing a sigh of relief. Now they can just blame the restrictions for ruining their big vague plans and use lockdown as an excuse. When people ask what they’re up to, they can just roll their eyes and sigh that they had some incredible projects in the works but coronavirus stopped them all from happening. It’s very convenient for them.

Of course, they could always follow the path that some other reality stars are skipping down to drag out their 15 minutes. Maybe they should start an OnlyFans?

OK, my apologies – that was disrespectful. If anyone should be launching an OnlyFans it’s Camilla and Charles.

Harry and Meghan on their way to Rooty Hill RSL.

THE MORE FRAUDULENT THE BETTER

Allegations of cheating and rigging and interference have plagued what should be our most trusted medium: reality television.

I know, I know. If not TV producers, who can we trust?

The Voice grabbed headlines this week for a cheating scandal that saw judge Guy Sebastian spin his chair around even though his team was full — and producers let him have the contestant regardless. How that man is not in jail for this, I do not know.

A few nights later, folks were also stunned to see rules being bent on Big Brother to keep a contestant on-air even though she was voted out.

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If you’re not watching Big Brother, Ange is this little woman from “the Beverly Hills of Kenya” who prefers to be known as Ange-a-licious. She’s extremely high maintenance, hides tea bags in her bra and requested Big Brother supply her with a personal masseuse.

This week, she lashed all the other housemates in a tirade that ended with her yelling, “This is not Centrelink! There are no handouts here!” (I’ve yelled the same thing at colleagues).

Then all her housemates promptly voted her out.

Producers knew they struck gold with Ange-a-licious and couldn’t let her leave the house so early. So they changed the rules and brought her back as Big Brother’s 2IC. She’s now living in her own little bunker outside the house and secretly watches her former housemates on the camera monitors while scheming with Big Brother.

Rigged? Rules broken? Producer interference? Who cares.

If you want to watch real life, go hang out at a Westfield food court. The rest of us want drama and entertainment and if that involves TV producers ruthlessly manipulating people and changing the rules on a whim then we encourage it.

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram: @hellojamesweir

Ange-a-licious deserves a Gold Logie.