Goddess James Weir recaps Tracey Jewel’s latest book

IN A whirlwind week of things to do and see, Tracey Jewel’s new book has taken priority. And James Weir recaps.

IN A whirlwind of new releases, it’s the highly anticipated third book from Tracey Jewel that has resulted in no work being achieved this week.

Remember Trace? Jilted Married At First Sight bride. Constantly being blime-fibe-eb. Yes, that’s her! Well, she’s self-published her latest tome.

This Goddess Means Business: Marketing pep talks for women in business is a comprehensive guide on … Well, it’s not entirely clear.

“Your talent, intelligence, beauty, and boobs are greater than whatever this is,” the book declares on the back cover.

Indeed, “whatever this is” is an accurate way to describe the project.

The book targets the niche but burgeoning “corporate romance” genre. Particularly peculiar is the cover that features a headless Tracey lurking in a dark alley while holding an unusually gigantic cup of coffee.

Look, there are lots of questions.

Don’t be fooled by the size of the above image. The actual dimensions of the book are that of an Instagram tile and, in hindsight, all the wisdom provided could’ve been summarised in some kind of meme. Who doesn’t love curling up in bed on a cold winter’s night with a good meme?

Honestly, the volume could be consumed in all of 20 minutes. It’s super tiny. And thin. Kind of like a funeral pamphlet. But I chose to consume it slowly and marinade in the shrewd insights.

The overuse of exclamation points and the misuse of semicolons outnumber the business lessons for corporate goddesses. FYI, there’s a hidden meaning in the use of the word “goddess” and it’s explained in a misspelled acrostic poem-creed.

Mmm. Mmm. Informative.

Jewel draws on her time in the spotlight, referring to the three-second wide shot she featured in as an audience member on Oprah in 2001. And, of course, she details her breakout appearance as a bride on Married At First Sight, which she says left her “bedridden” and “defeated”.

But true goddesses don’t just stay defeated in bed re-streaming their old MAFS episodes on 9Now. They do it while penning business advice books that allow them to take Oprah phrases like “aha moment” and use them as their own.

Jewel offers the kind of savvy business know-how you just can’t get anywhere else. Advice such as “use Facebook” is invaluable. “Let’s face it! If it isn’t shared online, it didn’t happen,” Jewel declares.

She also provides a compelling breakdown of how best to use Instagram (memes!).

I found the tip to get Wi-Fi to be a game changer.

Elsewhere, Jewel gives readers a dose of tough love on the topic of happiness.

“(I) take a shift into sitting in my shit and doing real adulting …” she muses about finding the motivation to seek change.

Jewel will mark the release of her latest work with a book launch this Tuesday. Sonia Kruger is a special guest and I have no idea what these two are going to talk about but I will attend and report back about how uncomfortable Sonia looks. Stay tuned, goddesses.

CAN I BORROW YOUR VISA?

Not to brag, but I think I have the capacity to be a really good grifter. Don’t know why, exactly. But I enjoy both money and telling lies. Have you too considered a life of grifting? Maybe we could grift together. Get inspired by this read about the great grifters of recent times.

I’M READING …

Duh, Tracey’s self-published book.

WATCH THIS, DON’T WATCH THAT

Well, you can’t watch Roseanne now, even if you wanted to. That whole Ambien-tweeting situation has ruined everything. Not only does it mar the reboot — which, from the handful of episodes that already screened, was good — but it goes and destroys all the good memories of the original nine seasons. Kim Cattrall’s toxic public feud with SJP made me feel the same way and now I don’t feel like I can watch an episode of Sex & The City again because IT’S ALL A LIE.

But do watch the latest series of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Series four dropped on Netflix this week.

Also on Netflix, My Next Guest Needs No Introduction. David Letterman doing in-depth interviews with everyone from Obama to Tina Fey. Howard Stern is this month’s guest (the final episode of the season). It’s dimly lit on a theatre stage with a well-behaved audience and it’s all very sumptuous.

The episodes get deep. And whether these celebs know it or not, they’re employing the wise methods of Tracey Jewel and “owning their truths”. Obeying the goddess creed.

@hellojamesweir