James Weir recaps: Inside Aussie school for celebrity kids

There’s one school in Australia that’s attracting A-listers. James Weir investigates the most important thing: the insanely posh tuck shop menu.

Stars! They’re just like us.

They wash their clothes, do the weekly grocery shop and probably also ignore the car rego bill until the day (after) it’s due.

They even do the dreaded school run.

I’m not technically a busy mum, but I do have several house plants and a temperamental airconditioning unit, so it’s basically the same thing.

Like any parent, I’m constantly forgetting to feed my plants and I cry hysterically when they fail to live up to the hopes and dreams I place on them.

The only difference is I don’t have to drop my house plants off at school every morning. But if I did, I’d model myself after the Hollywood stars who endure the morning rush each and every weekday as they dump their kids at school before heading off to do more interesting things that don’t involve Bluey or that Peppa Pig chick.

We need only look to the Aussie School For Celebrity Kids. Now, that’s not what it’s actually called, but its real name can’t be printed here. People get so weird when you skulk around school gates while taking photos of their children before detailing the exact name and location in the newspaper. So uptight.

At The Aussie School For Celebrity Kids, Lara Worthington nee Bingle is rubbing shoulders with Isla Fisher and Hollywood star Natalie Portman.

All three mums have been papped this week kicking their little nuggets out of SUVs and juggling backpacks and large-scale projects that involve plasticine and Paddle Pop sticks.

Fine, there were no large-scale plasticine projects, but you get the idea.

The Aussie School For Celebrity Kids definitely has Big Little Lies vibes.

Like, I’m not alleging someone’s mum pushed someone else’s dad down a flight of stairs while they were all dressed like Audrey Hepburn. But I do think Isla Fisher would be a total Renata.

If we learnt anything from that show, it’s that there’s no place on earth more judgy than the school gate.

Bingle knows this and that’s why she’s serving up style every time she goes there. One day she’s rocking up wearing a long, tight black dress with chunky leather military boots and an oversized blazer draped over her shoulders as her choppy bob flutters in the breeze created by a passing school bus. And then the next day she’s rolling in looking like a Westfield security guard.

I need backup, we’ve got a shoplifter in Myer. Picture: Media Mode

Of course Isla knows how to glam up the school gate. She’s been snapped wearing pinstripe pants with platform brogues and a chic Chanel purse strapped across her body.

But that just creates so much pressure for everyone else. If I ever enrolled my house plants at this school, I’d definitely be running in Natalie Portman’s crowd.

She was snapped looking like all of us do on a busy morning: wearing joggers and jean shorts. Natalie Portman doesn’t have time for Isla’s platform brogues and she certainly isn’t pulling any security guard shifts down at Westfield.

Natalie seems like the kind of mum who’d beep the car horn continuously at the school pick-up gate to get the kid’s attention. And then, when she’d see her kid whispering profanities and rolling their eyes, she’d beep harder just to embarrass them more.

Natalie couldn’t be bothered with platform brogues and neither could we. Picture: Media Mode

So what’s The Aussie School For Celebrity Kids actually like?

It’s one of those fancy schools with a terraced garden and probably a craft cupboard that’s bigger than my apartment. While I can’t say for sure it has a turret, in my mind, it does have one.

We could comb through the curriculum and end of year results but that would be pointless. Everything you need to know about a school can be found by examining its tuck shop menu.

What grub is this school slopping up? The canteen offers rotating daily specials that include pesto pasta with baby bocconcini.

Baby bocconcini? I still don’t even know how to pronounce “bocconcini” but seven-year-olds are apparently eating it at little lunch and that’s just wrong.

They can also feast on grilled salmon poke bowls and Greek salads.

And don’t miss out on Sushi Mondays! It’s highly possible there’s a fully-equipped sushi train involved. Renata probably petitioned tirelessly at the P&C meetings to get one installed.

Back at my school in north Queensland, there was no sushi train and definitely no salad.

We had chocolate bars and Rounders – a microwaved bread pocket that housed an unusual tomato substance. Rounders were always steaming hot and, when you’d bite into them, the weird tomato substance would burn the roof of your mouth and your gums would crinkle before peeling off.

This canteen at The Aussie School For Celebrity Kids offers better food than the lunch joints around my office. I kinda wanna enrol midterm and WFH outta one of their classrooms. Or maybe the turret.

I’ll hot desk with Bingle’s kid.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir