The Tiny Wife

"THE robbery was not without consequences", reads the first line of Andrew Kaufman's latest novel and he's right about that.

"THE robbery was not without consequences", reads the first line of Andrew Kaufman's latest novel and, at the very least, he's right about that.

As a result of the thief's decision to break into Branch #117 of the British Bank of North America, his victims will find themselves shrinking, married to snowmen, turned into confectionery or pursuing their own still-beating hearts through traffic.

If this is all sounding faintly idiotic, that's because it is. Undoubtedly Kaufman was driving at some deeper existential message when he penned this 88-page homage to mediocrity but readers will get halfway through it and find themselves wishing the thief would come back and turn the gun on them (in what would undoubtedly be ruled a mercy killing).

In any case, the chain of events (or tiresome stream of consciousness, if you prefer) is sparked when the man, wearing a "flamboyant purple hat'', arrives at the bank and fires a single shot into the roof. Being the loquacious type, he eschews the tried-and-tested "Gimme all your money'' line in favour of a little speech that culminates in him demanding anything that holds sentimental value to its original owner.

This is a bone-headed move for several reasons, not least because he ends up fleeing the place with a couple of wrinkled photos, a pay stub, a calculator and "a dog-eared copy of The Stranger by Albert Camus'', netting him
a haul with a street value of maybe $1.50.

Coincidentally, that's about all you'd pay to find out what happens next but, in the interests of shorthanding it, there's a lecture about the importance of growing a soul, a baby who suddenly begins filling its nappies with money and a tattoo of a lion that comes to life and starts chasing its owner. That's it. The end. Don't say you weren't warned.

VERDICT: Will amuse small minds.

The Tiny Wife, Andrew Kaufman, HarperCollins, $14.99.