How to survive being a loser

MATT Damon has been there and lost three times now. Not that he’s bitter. But Jo Stanley knows what it’s like and has written this loser’s survival guide.

SO LEO DiCaprio finally won that Oscar. It may have been well deserved, but it was also so predictable it was about as climactic as a weather forecast.

I missed the emotional high of a crowd-surfing Roberto Benigni or even a sobbing Gwyneth Paltrow. But while the night is obviously about the winners (Yay Mad Max and your crazy unintelligible dialogue) just for a second, I’d like to hail the losers.

Like Matt Damon, who lost to DiCaprio. At some point I’m sure he has allowed himself to wonder, after three nominations, when will it be his turn to win a proper Oscar and not that Screen Play thing he had to share with Affleck. It’s just human nature.

Matt Damon looked like he had a good time at the Oscars yesterday, despite losing AGAIN. Picture: AFP/ Angela Weiss

He should console himself with the knowledge that he’s in good company. Johnny Depp hasn’t won an Oscar, Richard Burton never did, Glenn Close hasn’t yet won despite SIX nominations (her best performance to date was her look of pleasant surprise when Meryl Streep beat her that last time — like Meryl had just popped in with a tray of lemonade scones, instead of RIPPING OUT HER HEART!!).

While I’ve never had to feign affection for Meryl, I do know what it’s like to pretend not to care that I’ve lost. We all do, because in life we are way more likely to be a loser than a winner.

Most of us have said it — “I’ve never won anything in my life”. Whether it be the footy best and fairest or class captain or employee of the month at KFC or a job promotion or just a family game of Trivial Pursuit, we are all more Glenn than Meryl.

I’m a loser from way back, as evidenced by my 10 years on a top rating breakfast radio show, during which time we were not once even nominated for an Australian Commercial Radio Award. I can’t say I’m not bitter. Bitterness is one of my key stages in my self-penned guide, How to Survive Being a Loser. I’m not proud of how I have felt or behaved in my darkest hours, but as an expert in losing let me take you through your options.

Look at all those winners — so bloody smug and happy. Anyone outside their clique would be bitter. Picture: Kevin Winter/Getty Images/AFP

BE BITTER

As I mentioned, be bitter. There’s nothing like a bile inducing, angry dose of resentful jealousy to get you through the loser doldrums. It can get you to the gym, it can make you work harder. With any luck it will hit you while you’ve got a bottle of vodka at your disposal and you’ll end up yelling abuse at random strangers for the entertainment of all. If you’re really out of control, do this on Twitter. It works for Kanye.

IGNORE SAID COMPETITION ALTOGETHER

Don’t express any interest. Don’t go to the awards night. Don’t enjoy the party. Tell everyone you’re not competitive and you don’t even know who’s in the running. Act vaguely confused if someone brings it up. Then shut yourself off from the world and nurse your FOMO with a tearstained session of winner Face-stalking.

SAY IT’S RIGGED

Whatever ‘it’ is — the voting, the administration, the industry — with a little imagination you can create an entire narrative around why you didn’t win, that completely overlooks your own inabilities. Just like every Miss Universe contestant who has ever cried foul, you won’t sound deranged at all.

PRETEND TO BE HAPPY

Or on the opposite end of this spectrum, be HUGELY, over the top, happy for the winners. You cannot be too effusive. Hugs, kisses, smulchy congratu-tweets, hire a sky writer if you can afford it. Because happy looks better on you than envy, and even if you have to fake it till you feel it, attaching yourself to the victor might get you into the best after parties, where French champagne makes everyone a winner.

LOWER YOUR STANDARDS

Finally, and this is very much from experience, lower your standards. You might never win anything, but focus on what you are a winner at. There is no shame in mediocrity and I celebrate this every day. I can reverse park under pressure. I’m an excellent speller. My footwear is almost always on point. And most importantly for me, I try to be nice. There are no gold statues for such personal victories, but equally Meryl can never take them off me.

Jo Stanley is co-host of Jo and Lehmo on Gold 104.3. Follow her on Facebook.