James Weir recaps the 2022 Logie Awards ceremony

Jess Mauboy suffered an unfortunate costume mishap mid-performance at the Logies. James Weir recaps the rest of the mess.

The return of the Logies ceremony after a two-year pandemic-induced hiatus went about as smoothly as Jessica Mauboy’s costume change when she experienced a PVC catsuit malfunction while performing as the halftime act during last night’s never-ending broadcast.

Her on-air wardrobe mishap was symbolic of the entire evening. The more-than-four hour ceremony — which ended with Hamish Blake winning Gold — was littered with lacklustre gags and banter that fell flat. Throughout the night, TV’s biggest stars hit the stage only to become tangled in their own proverbial PVC catsuits.

Ladies and gentlemen, we didn’t think it was possible, but the Logies was rustier than usual.

At times, it was excruciating. There were moments where we the viewers got so uncomfortable we had to cover our faces with our hands and watch the screen between splayed fingers, like that ABC production team who accidentally saw their boss’ doodle on a Zoom call.

RELATED: All this year’s Logie winners revealed

Why is it so hard to produce a half-decent Logie Awards?

Don’t over-complicate it. Chuck some of the MAFS freaks on a table with Leigh Sales and Ray Meagher and then keep a camera locked on them for the entire broadcast with picture-in-picture live-stream.

And then? Just get Chrissie Swan to host the night as well as present all the awards.

Within minutes of Sunday’s broadcast kicking off, it became instantly clear that Swannie was going to be the night’s MVP. She should be given an honorary diamond-encrusted Logie for the way she single-handedly resuscitated the event while presenting one of the evening’s first awards with Karl Stefanovic. In under two minutes, she effortlessly delivered a series of slam-dunk lines.

“Irene, get back to the cafe,” she called out as Home And Away’s Lynne McGranger scurried off the stage after accepting the previous award.

If only we were treated to Chrissie’s steady-handed sharpness for the rest of the broadcast. Instead, it was the complete opposite.

At one point, when Lego Masters won for Most Popular Entertainment Program, organisers forgot to make sure there was an actual trophy on stage for host Hamish Blake to accept when he arrived at the microphone. It’s almost as if the awards’ own organisers know that no one actually cares about receiving one.

Later on, when Hughesy read MasterChef host Melissa Leong’s name while listing the Gold Logie nominees, the guys in the control room stopped paying attention altogether and just showed live footage of Karl Stefanovic’s face.

Not Melissa.

At one particularly dreary stage of the evening, a confused-looking Scary Spice — who has just been announced as a new judge on Channel 10’s The Masked Singer — stumbled on stage to introduce a musical performance by Callum Scott.

Seems easy, right? Well, apparently not. While the rest of the night’s presenters chose to read from the teleprompter, Mel B stuttered and stumbled as she glanced down at some crumpled palm cards. She looked like she was delivering a Year 10 oral presentation that she’d left until the last minute and frantically scribbled down in the back seat of her mum’s Pajero on the way to school.

It seems not even international stars are able to escape the Logies curse. She was already struggling to read the three lines producers gave her. But then something inside propelled her to go off-script for a moment with some unplanned adlibbing.

“Now he … like, I told him backstage … is my … guilty pleasure,” she stammered.

“So here, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your …” she paused again, looking down at her notes to try and see what the end of the sentence should be.

Glasses! we yelled at the TV. Raise your glasses!

“ … Raise your glasses,” she finally said.

And then … she decided to ad lib again.

“ … Cheer … clap …” she took long pauses as she willed herself to think of some other verbs. “Scream … For the amazing … Callum Scott!”

Phew. Finally got there.

Pro tip: Just read the script.

As the time ticked closer to midnight and pre-planned gags from presenters continued to land with a thud, Jessica Mauboy hit the stage for the night’s final musical performance.

Now, there’s almost too much nuance and intricate detail to discuss, so let’s just take it step-by-step.

The stage lights shot up and illuminated Jess, who was sitting in a dune buggy.

Of course there’s a dune buggy at the Logies.

The beats from the prerecorded backing track started to thump. It was her new single called Automatic — a mid-tempo song that’s basically just three-minutes of car analogies.

“Pump the gas,” she crooned. “Hit the metal.”

Never before have lyrics connected so deeply with our souls. After four hours of this ceremony, all we wanted was for producers to pump the gas and pick up the speed. Or just hit us with the car entirely.

Anyway, when Jess clamoured out of the dune buggy, it was impossible not to notice her costume: a floor-length, long-sleeved leather jacket over a skin-tight PVC catsuit. Simple. Timeless.

As Jess led her troupe of backup dancers down to the front of the stage, we could all feel the song building to a crescendo.

“Don’t hit the breaks,” she purred.

Immediately, the lyric jinxed her performance and things hit the skids.

Jess went to rip off her leather jacket and toss it to one of her backup dancers but — with all the fast-paced choreography and that steamy Queensland heat — things must’ve gotten really hot and sweaty because the leather gripped tightly to the PVC catsuit underneath and would not budge.

This is a PVC catsuit emergency.

You’d think leather would glide easily over PVC — but don’t be fooled. When layered together, the two different kinds of rubber form a freakish lock-grip. Watching Jess try to yank the leather off over the PVC was like watching a kid leap stomach-first onto a dry Slip ‘n’ Slide.

A look of terror shot into Jess’ eyes as she realised the live televised performance was being sabotaged by her own PVC catsuit. It was the most nailbiting moment of the entire night. Finally, the stakes were upped.

We’re gonna need scissors.

She could only get the jacket’s collar over her shoulder — leaving her arms trapped in the leather sleeves. That’s when one of the backup dancers stepped in and tried to rip it off but it just yanked Jess through the air with her body still in that damn leather coat. Keep in mind, she’s still trying to sing through all this while jiving in front of the dune buggy.

Eventually, she just had to abandon the dramatic costume change and continue on with the performance while trying to shrug the now-tangled leather jacket back onto her body.

As they say in showbiz: never work with children and animals … or PVC catsuits.

Jess, be careful, we don’t want it to form one big rubber knot.

When the performance was over and Jess squeaked backstage to locate a barrel of baby powder, Hamish Blake was whirled on up to receive his Gold Logie. How was his speech?

Dunno.

Before he could say much, a random granddad marched into the auditorium and yelled at everyone for being too noisy:

Calm down, girl.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir