List: What your elite Victorian private school says about you
Victoria’s elite private schools come with ballrooms, polo pavilions and headline-making scandals. The kids wear blazers and the parents drive Range Rovers. Here is what yours says about you.
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Victorian private students have parents who are willing to drop up to $50,000 on their school fees.
Their schools have ballrooms, polo pavilions and indoor aquatic centres, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be problems.
Social media sites, parents’ chat groups, current students and the old boys’ and girls’ networks provide a wealth of information about how the elite private schools of Victoria are seen by others.
And the insider view doesn’t always match the glossy brochures…
Carey Baptist Grammar
If you’ve just returned from two weeks at a Noosa penthouse apartment, then chances are you’re a Carey kid.
Carey families love to go on holiday in Queensland, Aspen, Bali and Europe with other Carey families.
It’s a well-known, popular school, where students have a high chance of getting drafted into the AFL, going to a Melbourne Uni college or getting invited to the most fun parties.
Carey is known for being an academically successful school, but it doesn’t mean its students don’t like to party – as many of the student social media accounts attest.
The school is famous for its annual mother’s lunch, where 500 women wearing $800 Alamais dresses have a ball, fuelled by espresso martinis.
What TikTok says: $30K a year to become a DJ.
Haileybury
Most of the rich kids in the south east go to Haileybury, or want to go there.
It’s the biggest school in the state with a terrific reputation.
But one school insider claimed Haileybury struggles to attract second-generation students, as all the successful graduates move from Keysborough to Kew and send their kids to Carey instead.
Current students told the Herald Sun the multi-campus school has a clear pecking order, with students from the Brighton campus at the top, followed by Keysborough, and Berwick. Although it’s highly academic, the school has long been known for its sporting prowess, especially its AFL program, led by coaches such as star former player Matthew Lloyd.
Years after finishing, Haileybury kids will still get triggered when they see the distinctive purple colour of the school’s uniform.
What TikTok says: Full scholarship for ping pong.
Caulfield Grammar
Caulfield Grammar students are the Carey kids of the outer east, enjoying their status as pupils from a large, successful co-ed school with a great sporting program.
Social media pages reveal Caulfield students have a reputation for being preppy, popular and athletic.
Exactly how many Caulfield kids are on sporting scholarships is a closely guarded secret, but sporting coaches from surrounding schools are always accusing it of poaching their best talent.
The super-sized school managed to engineer a total takeover of nearby girls’ school Shelford Grammar.
Its impressive amenities include a 50m Olympic-sized pool with a movable floor that can be raised and lowered to adjust the water depth.
What TikTok says: This is your third high school.
Trinity Grammar
Trinity Grammar old boys tell us the school has a bit of an inferiority complex, suffering
from having a smaller, landlocked campus than its neighbour, Xavier College.
Still, they love gathering at old boy events where they will proudly wear their school ties.
It’s also one of the few top-tier boys’ schools not in the APS (Associated Public Schools) but the second-tier AGSV (Associated Grammar Schools of Victoria).
This is despite Trinity parents paying some of the highest fees in the state.
The school largely flew under the radar until a teacher was one of Victoria’s first Covid super spreaders and a deputy principal cut a boy’s hair, sparking one of the most explosive private school old-tie power plays ever seen in Melbourne.
What TikTok says: The most half-baked private school on earth*
*A sentiment definitely not shared by kids who go there.
Ivanhoe Grammar
The school’s motto is “courageous and kind” and parents confirm it’s another one of Melbourne’s powerhouse co-ed schools, ruling the roost in its local area.
The decision to go co-ed in 1992 has paid off handsomely, although some say it’s come at the expense of Ivanhoe Girls’ Grammar which is just down the road.
Social media pages show there’s a healthy rivalry between the two closely-located schools, with old scholars reminiscing about egging the female students at Ivanhoe Station.
School staff insist this no longer happens. Students tell us there’s a bit of a turf war between those from different parts of the area: “This is not Heidelberg, it’s Eaglemont,” some are heard to insist.
They say there’s a divide between students, with “those from the Mernda campus driving tractors and those from Ivanhoe driving Volvos”.
Mernda students tell us they’re perfectly happy to be in the country, thank you very much.
What TikTok says: You couldn’t get into an APS school.
Lowther Hall
One of the most famous – or should we say infamous – Lowther Hall school mums was a
gangland wife who was well known for blocking the kiss-and-go drop-off area with her large 4WD.
Like Ivanhoe Grammar, we hear Lowther Hall girls like to claim they live in Moonee Ponds, not Essendon. Who cares if it’s not strictly true?
One recent alumna, whose two girls loved the school, said it suffers socially from not having a brother school for a ready supply of formal partners, dates and potential husbands.
“The St Columba’s girls have the St Bernards’ boys, the PEGS kids have each other, but Lowther Hall students don’t have anyone,” she said.
Lowther students can be spotted hanging out in Rose St after school, sporting big flashy drink bottles and the latest Mr Winston hoodies. Cool and sporty, that’s the Lowther Hall way.
St Kevin’s College
The kids at St Kevin’s, or Skevs, as it’s called, are still defensive when someone brings up the tram chant. They wish people would talk more about all the good things the school does, such as volunteering and raising money for charities.
Skevs, which has a swanky Toorak address, has historically had the edge on other Catholic boys’ schools, because all the smart kids from the country were sent there. Its impressive academic results still reflect this.
The school has long prided itself for being the second-best Catholic boys’ school after Xavier, and its inclusion in the APS gives it additional cred, especially with the Sacre Coeur girls and the Loreto girls.
St Kevin’s students are known for being great at footy and handy rowers as well.
What TikTok says: Great chanting skills
Xavier College
Hands down, Xavier College is known as the poshest Catholic boys’ school in the state, and current students and “Old Collegians” wear their school tie with pride.
Cut a Xavier boy and he’ll bleed red and black. Run by the uber-rich Jesuits, the school has an impressive campus on Burke Rd and one of the best views in Melbourne from the top of main building.
Current students’ social media accounts show them donning RM Williams boots on weekends (“RMs”) and celebrating their summer internships at Minter Ellison law firm, where their dads conveniently work.
Xavier kids date “Gen” girls (Genazzano, a local Catholic girls’ school) and they catch the train at “Glen” station (on Glenferrie Rd in Hawthorn). Their Insta and TikTok pages show them hanging out at Head of the River and A-grade footy finals matches years after they’ve finished school.
What TikTok says: Your dad’s in the mafia*
*Old boys say it’s an enduring stereotype that’s never been true.
Melbourne Grammar
Melbourne Grammar students barrack for Melbourne, live in South Yarra, and their fathers and grandfathers went to Melbourne Grammar.
Students’ and old scholars’ social media detail reveal family dinners at Entrecote, L plates on a Porsche Cayenne and holiday houses at Sorrento. It’s a wealthy, fancy, top-drawer school, with one old scholar saying that “everyone secretly hates you” for going there.
Current students haven’t lost any of the pride in going to “Grammar”, with many getting upset when the school temporarily banned chanting at school sporting matches.
Luckily, the “Grammar Army” is back in full voice, especially when playing footy against traditional rivals Scotch College for the Cordner-Eggleston Cup.
The school is home to some of the poshest parents in Victoria, and – sadly – one student who poured milk on female rowers from a bridge over the Yarra.
What TikTok says: You started doing coke in year 11*
*We’re not saying this is true, just this is what one TikTok account says.
Scotch College
We spoke to a number of Scotch College old boys and many told us they loved the teachers, the history, and the beautiful campus on 27ha on the Yarra.
The fact that it’s the alma mater of 71 old collegians who have been knighted is “pretty amazing”, said one.
It’s also handy for internships, because many of Melbourne’s top 100 companies “are run by Scotch old boys who hire other Scotch old boys,” as another said.
Others say it can be “pretty brutal if you’re not sporty or super smart”.
Scotch old boy gatherings look like Rodd and Gun conventions with guys happy to dress like their dads so they’ll get a big four accounting internship.
Scotch boys moan about the heavy dose of tartan about the school and the bright red blazers, but they will get misty-eyed in years to come whenever they hear bagpipes playing.
What TikTok says: Do you know who my dad is?
St Catherine’s School
Students from St Caths, as the school is known, mostly live in Toorak, and their social media accounts reveal a high number of blonde rowers dating Grammar boys.
(But that could just be the girls who are active on Insta and TikTok.)
St Caths girls are at the top of the private school pecking order, and Insta reveals some will even get their makeup done professionally for school photos.
Last year’s St Catherine’s formal video on YouTube has an impressive 6000 views, but has a disclaimer noting that it “doesn’t reflect the values of St Catherine’s school and is neither endorsed nor affiliated with the school”. Wonder why?
Its title is: “Who is the St Catherine’s Gossip Girl?” The school bills itself as number one for sport and academics, and is still hoping to replicate its 2022 success as winners at the famous Henley Royal Regatta in the UK.
The school’s traditional rival is Melbourne Girls’ Grammar, especially when fighting over Scotch and Grammar boys for formal dates.
What TikTok says: You think you are a character in Gossip Girl.
Methodist Ladies College
MLC is the biggest girls’ school in the leafy inner east.
It prides itself on being the school of choice for rich, smart professional women, and has a terrific reputation.
But these barristers, accountants and surgeons tell the Herald Sun they’re shocked at the skirt lengths of their daughters.
MLC’s selling point is its year nine Marshmead program, which the school fancies puts it on the same pegging as Geelong Grammar’s Timbertop. One recent MLC alumna told us that “all the naughty girls expelled from other schools who end up at MLC are sent to Marshmead in term four, where they will have a very bad influence on other new students”.
Like Lowther Hall, the school suffers from not having a designated brother school, although it is situated in prime teen boy real estate next to Trinity and Xavier.
What TikTok says: $40k a year to deliver a baby calf.
Geelong Grammar
Hands down, Geelong Grammar is well known as the poshest, most exclusive and most expensive school in the state.
Its expansive grounds and historic buildings make it look like Hogwarts, although, as one old boy said, “What a pity it’s in Geelong, or Corio to be exact”.
Social media posts reveal Geelong Grammar parents turn up to school events dressed in tasteful high-end country casuals and drive $200,000 Range Rovers which they will let their kids use when they’re on L and P plates.
Students love the school, but bemoan “the amount of time spent on the bus” getting to APS sporting events in the city. Geelong Grammar is best known for being the alma mater of King Charles, who went to Timbertop for a time in year nine.
One recent student said kids “either love or hate” the year-long stint in the picturesque High Country. “Never going hiking again, that’s for sure,” said one.
What TikTok says: Your dad is so rich he forgot your name.
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