Deadline: Derogatory map of Melbourne gets an upgrade

A map of Melbourne suburbs unkindly renamed to reflect what some may consider a deeper truth of the area has been given an upgrade.

Mark Buttler and Andrew Rule bring readers the latest scallywag scuttlebut.

Mark Buttler and Andrew Rule with the latest scallywag scuttlebutt.

Dingers to Harlem, Snortsea to Crackenham

A map of Melbourne suburbs renamed in a gently derogatory fashion has had an upgrade, in part thanks to this column’s tireless efforts to inform and entertain the public.

Deadline readers are among those who have helped Topher Agar refresh his survey of different postcodes around town since we wheeled out his debut effort to a big reaction back in March.

Back then, people had a good laugh at Craigieburn’s affectionate alternative title, Crazyburn.

Unfortunately, a horrific homicide the other day and a nasty drive-by attack on a home earlier this year have made it seem prescient.

So there are more suburban aliases. And, in line with the previous collection, the new additions are a little unkind.

Hallam is now to be known as Harlem, possibly to the dismay of top Comanchero and sometime resident, bikie Mick Murray.

Belgrave is Hellgrave and Fountain Gate has become Feral Gate. The new suburb out west called Plumpton has been christened Dumpton while Dingley Village in the south-east is Dingers.

No one will be fooled by the Frenchification of Laverton, renamed La Verton. When consulted last week, one noted former local (who hasn’t been back since moving to a posh enclave) insisted it be called Poverton.

Mulgrave, where former premier Daniel Andrews was the local MP, is potted as Dullgrave.

Over in the south, the Mornington Peninsula has correctly been named The Ninch.

Affluent Portsea, home of the summer polo set, is known as Snortsea for reasons which probably need no elaboration, at least in the holiday months.

Further east, Crib Point has been dubbed Crim Point and Hastings renamed Wastings.

Among those which didn’t fit on the map were Crackenham for Pakenham.

We have perused a long list of, let’s say, culturally offensive names which Mr Agar has wisely declined to publish.

We certainly wouldn’t be second guessing him on that unless we fancied a trip to the Press Council or a thorough rogering on Media Watch.

Mr Agar operates under the name Topherette and his work can be viewed here.

Shirley Collins murder still a mystery

It’s 70 years this spring since one of Australia’s most baffling murder cases hit the front page with the savage killing of Shirley Collins, a 14-year-old Reservoir girl whose last hours are still as hazy today as they were then.

Shirley, just days from her 15th birthday, was working in her first job, a sales assistant at Coles in the city. But on September 12 in 1953, a Saturday night, she was going to her first party.

Her step-mother saw her off from home, believing she was taking the train or a bus to meet a workmate who was waiting near Richmond station but who left when she didn’t turn up.

Shirley May Collins' mutilated body was discovered at Mt Martha.

Whether Shirley got to Richmond is unknown. But if she was on her usual Mernda line, it meant she would have to walk from West Richmond or go on to Flinders St and catch another train outwards.

Police later theorised she got off at either North Richmond or West Richmond station and was then talked into a car. But, in fact, it was entirely possible she’d actually accepted a lift in or near Reservoir and not used the train at all.

All that’s known for certain is that a man walking a dog found her shockingly battered body on a private driveway in semi-rural Mt Martha on the Monday morning, September 14.

Her clothes had been torn off and thrown around. Her skull had been crushed with a full bottle of beer and the attacker had then tried to obliterate her face with a cement block.

The Mt Martha driveway where Ms Collins’ body was discovered.

The case was big news for years, but every new tack in the investigation drew a blank.

Various witnesses were sure they’d seen Shirley in various places, from Reservoir to Richmond to the Mornington Peninsula, where she had supposedly been seen on the fatal Saturday night in Mornington’s Grand Hotel with a man.

Not all the witnesses who came forward could have been right and perhaps none of them were. The Grand Hotel publican was sure the pair had been in his pub briefly from 8.30pm, which was theoretically possible, given she left Reservoir around 7.15pm.

At a time when everyone in the state was anxious to report possible sightings, a glimpse of any teenage girl of about the right height and hair colour and clothes triggered a response.

Thousands of words have been written about the Collins case in 70 years. But none of the stories seem to focus at all on Shirley’s foster father, mentioned in passing once or twice as A.E. Collins.

More than one story stressed that Shirley was a shy girl who would not get into a car with anyone she didn’t know.

Liar liar

If you’re the suspected inside man for a major crime, it’s a good idea to have your facts straight.

You’re suddenly playing A-grade when the cops come knocking about a theft worth millions of dollars.

That means pulling out any old rego and saying it belongs to a vehicle linked to the crime is probably not the way to go.

As one bloke found out a while back, the spotlight of suspicion intensifies when the man you’ve fingered can prove he was interstate at the time.

Backdoor deals?

Police continue to investigate the shooting of a Bandido bikie a couple of weeks back.

It is suggested by some that the victim was wounded amid ructions over control of the gang’s Ballarat clubhouse.

Deadline didn’t think too much about the unusually named company which took over the site in March, until met with sniggers when we spelled it out to a police source.

It is called Ann US Drilling.

We suggest it not be Googled from a work device.

Chief hits the road

A familiar face turned up behind the wheel of a Prahran divisional van recently.

It was Chief Commissioner Shane Patton, who decided to get a refresher on life at the frontline by doing some patrol work.

That was bad news for the young woman Mr Patton pulled her over during the shift.

She was arrested after a search uncovered drugs in her car.

It was a return to his roots for Mr Patton, who worked the area decades ago as a much younger and more junior officer.