Deadline: Bikies race to hospital after blowout party at clubhouse

It must’ve been one hell of a party! Two bikies turned up at a major Melbourne hospital’s emergency department late on the night of their club’s big bash, both afflicted with an identical, embarrassing misfortune.

The emergency department doctors were told by their patients things had gotten out of hand at the clubhouse. Picture: Stock image

Mark Buttler and Andrew Rule with their weekly dose of scallywag scuttlebutt.

OMCG … pink, plastic and plugged

“WHY I STUCK A CRACKER UP MY CLACKER” is the NT News headline that became an instant classic in 2012, and rightly so. But Darwin isn’t the only place with vulgar tastes.

Truth be told, doctors and nurses have long been called on to remove a variety of unusual objects from the orifices of those who have found that reversing the situation isn’t easy.

This is truly an icky subject that takes older readers all the way back to persistent and detailed rumours about a glamorous Melbourne news reader and a grubby rock’n’roll animal we’ll call Johnny B. Bad.

The latest in a long line of these sordid nocturnal adventures involves two heavyweight members of a heavyweight outlaw motorcycle gang who presented recently at an emergency room all plugged up with nowhere to go.

The idea that one of these rugged chaps could slip and fall backwards onto such a singular foreign object is scarcely believable, and for two outlaw types to do it seems ridiculous.

Not that Deadline is one to judge the private activities of consenting adults — who, in this case, turned up at a major Melbourne hospital’s emergency department late on the night of their club’s big bash, both afflicted with an identical misfortune.

Deadline has been told that, on the pair’s own admission, things had gotten out of hand at the clubhouse.

Drinks were flowing and other substances were flying before the party atmosphere got the better of the dills doing the powders and pills.

One thing led to another and then it was too late to back out. They clearly hadn’t expected their factory-made apparatus becoming such a pain in the butt.

It was all just fun and games, the embarrassed patients told poker-faced doctors who removed the items and sent them home to recover before having a good laugh about the exact nature of the items retrieved.

One resourceful Kilsyth resident is using sheep, just like these, to keep his nature strip in tip top shape.

Not enough green for thin blue line

Video has emerged of an enterprising chap grazing his sheep on nature strips in outer suburban Kilsyth, complete with a sheepdog to keep the mob off the road.

But enterprising members of Victoria Police are also on the case when it comes to using jumbucks to save bucks and toe the bottom line.

Slashing of allocations for police station garden maintenance under new budget cuts has led to sheep being recruited to take care of “grass management” at one station in the Otway Ranges.

This idea could spread.

In fact, certain annual police Christmas bashes might feature lamb chops later on. Others, of course, will continue to be financed by fish and shellfish winkled from state waters.

Golfer 2, thieves nil

Golf clubs on the Mornington Peninsula have thrown up much gossip lately over perceived hostility towards a former premier who’s finding out the hard way that ex-pollies can be like ex-police. That is, there’s no-one more “ex”.

But if there’s one group that upsets gung-ho golfers more than highhanded, high-taxing pollies, it’s would-be car thieves who prowl car parks and change rooms while honest players are out on the course.

That sets the scene for what happened last week when a keen golfer with a decent swing used it on a pair of bad actors caught scoping out cars parked at a Peninsula course.

The pair, whose dress code was straight from central casting, had been sizing up a late-model Ford, peering into the windows and checking their surroundings ready to seize their chance.

The dodgy brothers were poised to pry open the car door or smash a window when the golfer arrived from stage left, fresh from 18 holes.

Deadline understands that he waved his prized driver in the air while running at the two crooks like a berserker Gurkha looking for scalps.

The men in black nylon bolted for the exit, leaving the hero of the hour and his high-powered Ford in command of the field of battle.

Onlookers say it was one of the best swings of a driver they’d seen from that player in a long time.

“It was enthralling. They were petrified. I loved it,” one observer told Deadline.

The Cray Brothers: Pinkie and Snapper

Right up until half of them were sacked the other day, Victoria’s fisheries officers were considered quite handy in the fight against the sort of pillaging of native fish stocks that has destroyed fisheries all over the world.

Suddenly, the authorities have decided that authority is obsolete. One problem with that approach is that the absence of fisheries officers makes life easier for slippery people fond of purloining piscatorial plenty for their own personal profit.

Among them, sadly, have been state police. For years, in fact, two enterprising gendarmes hilariously referred to behind their backs as “Pinkie” and “Snapper” allegedly supplied whiting and snapper to restaurants around the inner bayside area.

In the days when different police stations had a range of “clues” (tacitly tolerated rorts), fishing for cash was their caper.

They weren’t the only ones. There was a time when rogue members of the water police had a walk-up start on snaffling big bags of fish because, let’s face it, who was going to stop them?

A former professional abalone diver tells Deadline there is at least one restaurant in Geelong that has never been known to buy fish at the fish market because the supplies are all slipping in the back door from “amateur” anglers working an angle.

An illegal abalone haul, not dissimilar to the type that was making its way through the backdoor of a Geelong restaurant for many years. Picture: Supplied

The same diver clearly recalls that certain water police — not current members, we hasten to add — made the tactical mistake a while ago of robbing the cray pots of a licensed professional cray fisherman at Torquay.

The Greek cray fisherman saw an oddly familiar-looking zodiac inflatable boat with divers hovering over his pots and rushed to investigate.

He was all set to punish the cray thieves in the traditional manner, possibly with an oar or a boathook, when one of the frightened divers decided it would be safer to ‘fess up and waved some sort of police ID to prevent getting a beating that would have been hard to explain.

When the disgusted cray man looked closely at the boat, he could see that the police prefix on the registration number had been covered up, he later told his abalone diver friend.

All of this comes as no surprise to (name redacted), who worked at St Kilda police station for several years before moving into the crime squads.

He said that most police stations had “clues” to raise cash for the annual Christmas barbecue and booze-up.

Whereas a lot of inner city stations “leant” on local businesses for food and alcohol, some coastal cops opted to sell fish on the sly, and shooters at more distant country stations hunted deer to sell the venison.

The difference between deer and fish, of course, is that deer are an introduced pest species that needs culling to protect the natural environment, whereas native fish are an endangered part of the environment. But who cares when there’s a fast buck to be made?

Beware citizens on patrol

Don’t imagine that widespread night-time criminal activity is confined to the bright lights of the big smoke.

Members of one community east of the metropolitan area are fed up with after-dark incursions on their properties by youth offenders and other desperates.

There’s talk among them about self help: a do-it-yourself security service involving overnight patrols that might deter thieves, trespassers and predators without turning into the kind of vigilante work that could present issues likely to cause legal problems for the good guys later on.

The word is that a frequent target of the night-time raids is the humble Holden Commodore, still a favourite of car thieves statewide.

Which means that owners of such vehicles in this particular location are on high alert.