Cassie Sainsbury reveals the struggles of her homecoming after prison in new her book
Cassie Sainsbury reveals her shame and secret battle behind moving back to Australia after she survived a ‘torturous’ prison in her new bombshell memoir. Read the exclusive book extract.
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Returning home after enduring the depths of one of Colombia’s toughest prisons wasn’t the triumphant homecoming one might imagine. Instead, it marked the beginning of an emotional labyrinth, a journey I wasn’t prepared for.
My reputation lay in ruins, torn apart by relentless media scrutiny, and the warmth of friends and family felt like a distant memory. Hope, that fragile thread in dark times, seemed to elude me completely.
Confusion and loss became my constant companions as I navigated the unknown, each step forward clouded in uncertainty.
Rebuilding and moving forward were met with insurmountable obstacles. Banks, like gatekeepers of my past, denied me basic financial services. Medicare, crucial for many, remained out of reach, adding to my challenges.
Rejections from countless job applications stung, with insults like ‘pathetic drug mule’ echoing in my mind, leaving me overwhelmed with shame and self-hate.
Watch the video above to hear Cassie Sainsbury read an extract of the book where she explains how she tried to escape Bogota
Returning to the refuge of family became bittersweet.
Arguments over the sacrifices demanded for my sake became a persistent drumbeat, a reminder of the burdens I unintentionally brought upon them.
The streets, once familiar, became a minefield of scrutiny where harassment replaced the anonymity I craved.
Powerless to defend myself, I internalised the judgments, feeding my self-loathing.
Returning home to live with my mum and stepfather brought up unresolved issues.
It felt like the sacrifices that my mother and her partner felt they had made were hanging over me.
Eventually, I took a leap, found my own place, and cut ties.
Then there was the ordeal surrounding the charges from a tennis club.
Widely broadcast across Australia, the allegations suggested I had embezzled thousands of dollars from the club’s funds.
As the club’s treasurer, I had used a personal account instead of the official account for payment as the club had a deposit only account and couldn’t be used online. I promptly rectified the error once discovered.
I had been accused of stealing thousands of dollars, yet I had meticulously documented each transaction.
After my lawyers had asked for proof, the accusation of theft was dropped.
My reputation was again tarnished.
Legal victories felt hollow against the backdrop of public judgment. The battle for redemption transcended courtrooms, seeping into my soul.
The desire to vanish, to erase the pain and past, haunted me constantly. I questioned whether surviving prison was fate’s twisted joke or a torturous sentence I couldn’t undo. Yet, a flicker of hope remained.
Deep down, I knew my past wouldn’t define me forever.
Securing a job in recruitment felt like a small victory amidst my turbulent life. Gratitude mixed with trepidation as I navigated professional terrain, fearful of expressing opinions or standing up for myself.
I felt vulnerable, believing I needed others more than they needed me. The strength I had found in prison seemed distant, and I felt vulnerable, akin to my 22-year-old self who could be easily manipulated out of fear of disappointing others.
Approached in September 2022 about participating in SAS Australia – a reality TV show that challenges people to ‘survive’ the SAS training program.
The prospect initially terrified me. It wasn’t a show I had sought out; rather, my agent Max Markson saw it as an opportunity to reshape the public perception of me.
The offer came with the promise of redemption – a familiar narrative for anyone with a tarnished reputation for redemption. Of course, like all criminals. It’s always redemption.
The truth was, I didn’t prepare for SAS. Part of me always thought I’d have more time, but it wasn’t even that. I didn’t prioritise it like my other cast mates, my focal point was getting my life back on track, getting a job, having transport, all these small things that no one else had to worry about. The show wasn’t even on that list, I knew it was coming but I just couldn’t prioritise it.
What did I hope to achieve? I craved a chance for authenticity, to peel back the layers of ‘Cocaine Cassie’ and reveal the person obscured by sensationalised headlines. I knew I was strong, yet beneath that facade, I grappled with deep sadness and a sense of brokenness.
Shedding the label and reclaiming my true self was paramount. I yearned to rediscover the buried strength within me, confront my fears head-on, and rebuild the self-trust needed to navigate life’s decisions.
What did I want out of this? I wanted to be seen, for the real me, not what I had been painted out to be for six years, I wanted to be given a chance to give people the chance to see just a snippet of who I was, because I was strong.
But I was still very weak too.
I was sad and broken and because of the self-hatred I felt, I just wanted to shed ‘Cocaine Cassie’. I wanted to find the strength that I had forgotten was within me.
I wanted to face my fears and know that I was going to be okay, no matter what was thrown at me, but most of all I needed to face my past to move forward – I needed to trust myself again to make the right decisions.
Many people thought SAS Australia was a ‘fame’ thing, or a ‘get rich quick’ thing, but that wasn’t the case.
It was something that didn’t benefit my future. It DID NOT help me get ahead financially, but that wasn’t the case. It was something that didn’t benefit my future. It DID NOT help me get ahead financially, but I had hoped that it would help me find the ability to be okay with myself again. Eventually.
I had hoped that it would help me find the ability to be okay with myself again. Eventually.
The unforgiving terrain of SAS Australia was more than a challenge; it was a battlefield echoing the haunting corridors of my past.
But during the recording of the program I was instantly transported back to my prison days, and I knew this process was going to break me.
Somehow, returning to Australia had made me weak again, I didn’t feel the strength I had within anymore, the pity, the self-hate, the shame, it followed me everywhere and it didn’t allow me to live in peace with myself.
MORE REVELATIONS FROM CASSIE SAINSBURY’S BOOK
1. Sainsbury briefly resorted to posting content on the raunchy adult platform OnlyFans due to “financial considerations”, but said she soon stopped as she found the messages she received from men “disgusting”.
2. After relocating from Adelaide to Sydney for a new job before her fateful trip to Colombia, she was shocked to find her married boss wanted her to be his mistress and expected her to “have sex with him on demand”.
3. Lured to Colombia, Sainsbury was violently raped by the man who she described as the drug operation’s “puppet master”.
4. In prison, Sainsbury was subjected to daily beatings and horrific sexual assaults by violent female inmates who laughed at her torment.
5. After moving back to Australia, Sainsbury was forced to “confront her demons” as the reality of the difficulties of post-prison life sunk in.
Cocaine Cassie: Setting the Record Straight is published by New Holland Publishers.
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