Gretel Bueta opens up on the trauma of baby loss and how netball supported her after miscarriage

When Gretel Bueta shared the news she had lost her baby early on in her pregnancy she had no idea the impact she would have on so many other lives. She shares her story.

It’s the personal stories that have floored Gretel Bueta.

The number of them, the variety, the ones she had never heard - even from some of those closest to her.

When the Australian netball star announced late last year that she had suffered a miscarriage, she had no idea that sharing her personal pain would help ease the stigma that still surrounds talking about loss and grief.

Discussing the loss of a pregnancy seems to be one of the last taboos.

But having decided against playing with the Diamonds in Test series against New Zealand and England after discovering last October that she was pregnant, Bueta announced her pregnancy, understanding completely the risk she was taking in disclosing early in the first trimester.

“Netball Australia were incredible about it. They put the ball in my court and I just didn’t feel comfortable not telling the truth,” Bueta said on her decision to announce she and husband Niko Bueta were expecting a sibling for their then-21-month-old son Bobby.

Gretel Bueta with son Bobby, 2, is pregnant again. Picture by Luke Marsden.

“I didn’t say (I was missing the series because) I had a little injury or for the personal reasons - I didn’t want to leave that can of worms open in case people thought anything.

“So I just wanted to set the record straight and say I was pregnant.”

Bueta understood she was taking a risk.

“I said: ‘You know what, something could happen - and that’s okay because if it does, I’ll have to be open about it and we’ll just go from there’.

“And it did happen. As soon as it happened, my heart sank, it was awful and it was a tough few days,” she said.

Miscarriage Australia estimates that about 285 miscarriages - the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks’ gestation - occur every day.

There are also about six babies stillborn - lost after 20 weeks - each day in Australia.

SHARING THE HEARTBREAK

Like most would, Bueta leant on family, grieved her loss.

But unlike most, her loss was public. Bueta shared the news to her Instagram page, with an image of Bobby with a butterfly on his shirt, while the Diamonds released a statement confirming the news.

There are few other professions in the world where a pregnancy would be disclosed so early and so publicly.

It’s one of the toughest aspects of professional sport - even one like netball, that led the way in implementing paid maternity leave, contract protections and other parental provisions like allowing a carer on the road with new mothers.

But Bueta hopes by being so open with her own story and open about her raw grief, other women won’t feel that they have to suffer in silence.

“Family gets you through - Niko was incredible, we lent on each other a lot and Bobby, he keeps you busy,” Bueta said.

“And the support was amazing. It made me so emotional with the support that you receive and it was just a little insight.

“As role models, you want to be open because as athletes, your work is on full display for everyone.

“So as hard as it is, I was trying to be as open as possible about it because I know it’s just a tiny insight into what women go through.”

Firebirds star Gretel Bueta pictured with son Bobby, 21 months, is expecting her second child. Picture Lachie Millard

BREAKING THE TABOO

Co-lead of the Miscarriage Australia Program and Monash University Senior Research Fellow Dr Jade Bilardi, said talking about loss was crucial, not just to normalise miscarriage but to realise just how common it was.

“It’s often the case that it’s not until we start talking about our experiences of miscarriage that we realise how many people around us have experienced it too,” she said.

“We hear that all the time. It certainly was my experience and it’s the experience of a lot of people.

“It’s not until people start to open up and talk about their experience that they realise that their friends, their mothers, their aunties, a lot of people around them have experienced miscarriages - it’s just something that we don’t really talk about until it happens to us or happens to other people around us and that’s when we realise not just how common it is but the level of grief and loss that often comes with it as well.”

Dr Bilardi said Bueta’s decision to talk openly about her reasons for missing Diamonds Tests could also be helpful, given the general “rule” of not disclosing pregnancy until after 12 weeks often left people feeling isolated and alone if something happened.

“There’s a lack of public knowledge, communication, awareness, around early pregnancy loss in particular,” she said.

“I think also because we have this whole, sort of 12-week rule around (not) disclosing until after the first trimester, when the risk significantly declines, if people don’t know you’re pregnant, they’re not there to support you if they don’t know (there’s been a miscarriage) and that leaves women feeling really alone and isolated in their loss.”

Dr Bilardi said having high-profile people like Bueta speak about their experiences - and also how it had affected the rest of her family unit - would be incredibly helpful to others.

“I do think role models and well-known people speaking out about their experience is so important because it helps normalise pregnancy loss and let women know it’s okay to talk about it,” she said.

“Ultimately, I think it helps women not feel so along - and that’s the important thing, knowing that miscarriage affects people from all walks of life, it doesn’t discriminate just because you’re well known or you’re a celebrity, it happens to all sorts of people.”

Bueta’s hope is that sharing her story is able to help others.

“The stories I got back were really incredible. What women experience - multiple miscarriages, fertility problems, stillborns - it just opens up that whole discussion,” she said.

“Little things, where you go, I actually had no idea what you went through until we were discussing this topic.

“That made it special for me to hear that it’s being discussed more and women don’t feel as alone in that time.”

Bueta, who fell pregnant again within months and is expecting a second son later this year - roughly the same time her Diamonds teammates will be in action at the World Cup - says she has felt incredibly supported by Netball Australia and the Queensland Firebirds in her pregnancy journey.

“The way that motherhood was embraced for me - becoming a mother and the support when I was pregnant and then coming back after having Bobby was huge and now being pregnant again, I think netball’s definitely sets the tone and sets the bar for women in sport,” she said.

“I’ve been so supported and being able to do both things I love - being a mother and a professional athlete, is incredible.

“I have to pinch myself, it’s a dream but I love every second of it, so I just want to inspire as many young girls as possible.”

But she admits there was still work to do in making players feel secure enough to explore fertility options with short contracts in play.

“That’s the tricky part and I think that growth still needs to come in that area to do with even time off for women who want to freeze their eggs and supporting motherhood,” she said.

“As elite sport grows, I think that area will need to be navigated more and more.”

Originally published as Gretel Bueta opens up on the trauma of baby loss and how netball supported her after miscarriage