Derby Day 2017: The 12 golden rules for all the punters in the carpark and marquees

IF you’re going to rub shoulders with celebrities and wannabes this spring carnival in ritzy carpark marquees then here’s the A-Z guide on how to do it properly.

IF you’re going to rub shoulders with celebrities and wannabes from A-Z this spring carnival in ritzy carpark marquees then do it properly.

SuperRacing has delved deep into its multiple group-one experiences to establish the 12 golden Dos and Don’ts for carpark marquees.

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DOS

— Arrive at least 30 minutes before race one, not to see the horses in the mounting yard (let’s be honest, you’ll be lucky to see a horse in the flesh at all) but to scope out critical points of interest: ATM, toilets and bookies. In that order.

— Be friendly towards neighbouring carpark holders (earlier the better) as it could prove beneficial later in the day when your stash of mixers begin to run dry. Vodka shots before last never ends well.

Get to the track early to scope out the nearest ATM and where to find the nearest loo. Picture: Christian Gilles

— Bring spare Herald Sun form guides; will come in handy when deliberating over the carpark “family” quaddie and if it all goes pear-shaped the form guide could easily be turned into a sailor hat or mock riding whip.

— Pace yourself on the booze and food, especially through the first five races when most people should still respect the organiser’s quota for perishables. Editors Note: anything goes after Race 6 when the lightweights typically begin to get the stitch and drop off the pace.

— Assess the form of the colts and fillies in neighbouring marquees before the bubbles and brews take their toll. A friendly chat on the prospects for Race 3 could bare fruit later in the card when options diminish.

— Swing by the port-a-loos or bring a friend with good local knowledge (Flemington parklands and alleyways) before making your way to the train station or taxi rank. Traffic chaos and train delays are inevitable.

It’s a long day, so pace yourself or things could end badly.

DON’TS

— Be a fool, drink and gamble responsibly. One standard drink between races (30-40mins) is enough, anything more and you could be listening to the sixth from the port-a-loos.

— Tip a “sure thing” to friends and neighbouring carpark guests unless you know it’s a “sure thing”. Sometimes it’s best to provide a pointer than a declaration.

— Brag about your winnings to friends that are clearly and visibly struggling on the punt; it’s usually the “friend” betting across three or more states (including provincial meetings). Where’s Kembla Grange, again?

— Let your friend with the worst handwriting pencil in the quaddie selections or risk an indecipherable scribble actually being the winning number.

— Start flirting with guests in adjoining car parks (before Race 3); could make for an awkward afternoon especially if you’re planning on scabbing drinks late in the day.

— Invite randoms into your carpark without prior consultation and the express approval of more than one other guest.