Chelsea FC website and the clumsy art of spin — official report of Manchester City loss takes bias to next level
CHELSEA FC’s ‘official’ match report of defeat to Man City is a monument to clumsy spin. Here’s how they might have reported on five other sporting calamities.
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PARTISANSHIP is a powerful thing in sport. Managers, players and fans will inevitably see their team’s performance through slightly rose tinted spectacles.
And once the body corporate is involved, you’re unlikely to get a balanced report on events. Call it managing the message, applying spin or just softening the blow. News outlets in North Korea once happily reported that Kim Jong-il had scored 11 holes-in-one during his first ever round at the Pyongyang Golf Club.
And yet there remains something heroically desperate in Chelsea’s official website’s introduction to their report on the club’s humbling 3-0 defeat to a Manchester City side that bettered them in all departments.
And got us imagining how they might have handled some other sporting shellackings a little closer to home.
Manchester City 3 Chelsea 0
Premier League, August 2015
“For this one, Jose Mourinho had to take his medicine. Chelsea, the champions, were utterly dominated, over-run, undone by Manchester City. At the end of a week overshadowed by Mourinho’s brutal and controversial treatment of two of his club’s medical staff, it is now his team that needs surgery. Oh doctor, how they were in trouble. The diagnosis appears serious.”
“A Ramires goal incorrectly ruled out for offside with Man City a goal ahead changed the complexion of this early-season Premier League fixture. The Brazilian latched on to a brilliant Cesc Fabregas pass early in the second period and nudged the ball home but an errant offside flag denied us a deserved leveller. Sergio Aguero had put the hosts ahead having already been thwarted by the excellent Asmir Begovic on three occasions, while Diego Costa had a strong shout for a first-half penalty. We dominated after the interval and after Ramires’s goal was disallowed, Hazard drew a fine stop from Joe Hart. Two late City goals, from Vincent Kompany and Fernandinho, added some gloss to a final scoreline which did not accurately reflect the bigger picture.”
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All Blacks 41 Wallabies 13.
Bledisloe Cup, Auckland 2015.
“The Wallabies had everything to play for tonight, but Eden Park again proved their graveyard as the All Blacks retained the Bledisloe Cup in emphatic fashion. New Zealand outclassed the Wallabies in a devastating period early in the second half as the host’s half-time lead exploded from 13-6 to 41-6 in the space of 20 minutes.”
“Quade Cooper answered the jeers of the local crowd in fine style, kicking Australia in to an early lead in this second of two Bledisloe encounters after the Wallabies won in Sydney, before a mini-All Black revival and a questionable decision to see man-of-the-match in waiting Cooper sin-binned for 10 crucial minutes changed the whole complexion of the game.
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Fourth Ashes Test
Trent Bridge, 2015
“Before lunch, Australia had already been Broadsided. By stumps their Ashes campaign was all but Rooted. Australian cricket has spiralled into crisis after arguably the darkest day in Ashes history, as England took an extraordinary 214-run lead heading into day two — the third biggest advantage ever taken on the opening day of a Test.”
“Adam Voges hit a gutsy half ton to get his Ashes series up and running in difficult conditions at Trent Bridge, as openers David Warner and Chris Rogers stood up to some intense pressure for two balls. Michael Clarke finished strongly in the top two at the coin toss, before an interesting bowling spell from Stuart Broad changed the complexion of this fine-margins Ashes decider.
***
Nick Kyrgios vs. John Isner
Rogers Cup, 2015
“Nick Kyrgios was comprehensively dumped out of the Rogers Cup on Thursday night, falling 7-5, 6-3 to the big-serving John Isner, with the Australian leaving the court in Montreal to a chorus of boos from supporters.”
“Nick Kyrgios had the crowd on their feet in Montreal as he turned on the charm to face big serving American John Isner, dropping just a single service game in the opening set. The firebrand Australian was in great form, showcasing his full array of idiosyncratic snarls, menacing glances and general whatever-ness, before the unhelpful need to actually win points rather than make them changed the whole complexion of the contest.”
***
Queensland v NSW
State of Origin Game III, 2015
“Too good, two heads. And they then gave NSW a two-finger salute to send us home. After just 12 months of glory, NSW last night surrendered State of Origin supremacy in a haze of ill-discipline, mistakes, soft defence and missed tackles. Queensland are the kings of Origin after a crushing 52-6 win over a shell-shocked NSW.”
“The Blues historical dominance in the State of Origin, stretching back now almost 12 months, clearly weighed heavy on Maroons shoulders, with Justin Hodges gifting the visitors a converted penalty following a knock-on to silence a strangely subdued Suncorp crowd. It was the perfect opening for a NSW side looking to continue their exceptional winning run. However, a different complexion was shed on the third in a three-game series once Queensland started questionably running with the ball in their hands over the visitors’ try line. The grubs.”
***
Brazil 1 Germany 7
World Cup semifinal, 2014
“They spent the previous four days weeping for Neymar. They will spend the rest of their lives grieving about Tuesday, 8 July, and the day that Brazilian football was demolished in one of its own great cities. In the list of great sporting collapses it is hard to think of an occasion as raw, as painful and as humiliating as this, when Germany scored five goals in 29 minutes against a Brazil team that had taken leave of any semblance of a game-plan. Extraordinary and excruciating to watch it was a World Cup match like no other. Even the Germans sensed that they should mute their celebrations, as if they were also bystanders at a solemn state funeral.”
“Brazil’s first team squad for this World Cup semi-final reached in to the souls of men with a stirring homage to absent forward Neymar in a pre-match build up in which the Germans barely featured. In that moment the home side claimed a moral, emotional and abstract victory, before the referee’s whistle saw the match kick off, changing the entire complexion of the occasion.”
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Originally published as Chelsea FC website and the clumsy art of spin — official report of Manchester City loss takes bias to next level
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