Useless AFL stats: 10 pointless gems you never knew existed

Essendon spearhead Joe Daniher may be out of action at the minute, but he holds a goalkicking record no other AFL player has achieved. The team behind Useless AFL Stats unearth this and more gems you never knew existed.

Check out these wacky stats. Picture: Wayne Ludbey

Stats are everywhere in footy these days, but none are as ridiculous and downright pointless as the those produced by Useless AFL Stats.

The Facebook page run by Aaron and Liam is the gift that keeps on giving for obscure footy enthusiasts, featuring statistics that you never knew existed — let alone thought of.

Here are 10 of their best, featuring a Grand Final conspiracy theory, a well known rock band and some ridiculous scoring records.

Be sure to follow their page to keep up with all the useless statistics from the AFL world.

1. SQUARE ROOT KING

You might be familiar with Dane Swan’s disposal and KFC SuperCoach dominance, but he also holds a statistical record that no other player has achieved. Swan is the only player in AFL history to have separate disposal games of 49, 36, 25, 16, 9, 4 and 1. If you case your mind back to high school, the square root of these numbers are 7, 6, 5, 4, 2 and 1. That makes Swan the undisputed square root king. Ball magnet Gary Ablett could join him if he records a one disposal game before he hangs up the boots.

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Hats off to the square root king. Picture: Tim Carrafa

2. Double your height in score

This is one for the spearheads. Four players in AFL history have kicked exactly double their height in total score in an individual game, with three of those being among the best forwards of all time. Gary Ablett Snr (6 foot, 1 inch) slotted 12.2 in 1990, Jason Dunstall (6’2’) has kicked 12.4 twice in 1990 and 1992, while Tony Lockett standing at 6 foot, three inches, achieved a more difficult ask of 12 goals and six behinds in 1991.

Remarkably, Carlton’s Greg Kennedy (6’1 and a half) achieved the feat in just his first season, finishing with an individual score of 12.3 in Round 21 of 1972. Kennedy led the club goalkicking with 76 majors that year but was surprisingly dropped for the Grand Final, where Carlton defeated Richmond. The goalkicker played just 26 more games across the next three seasons before retiring from the game.

Gary Ablett Snr is one of four players to double his height in score.

3. AFL players with over 100 games whose initials match the team they played for

Saint Shane Savage is the only current player to play 100 games for the club he shares his initials with. The highest on this tally is Carlton games record holder Craig Bradley, while maligned Tiger Richard Tambling just makes the cut of this niche category.

Craig Bradley 375 games – Carlton Blues

Steven Sziller 118 games – St Kilda Saints

Richard Tambling 108 games – Richmond Tigers

Shane Savage 107 games – St Kilda Saints

Con McCarthy 101 games – Collingwood Magpies

Richard Tambling dodges an opponent.

4. Magic number eight

Here are several obscure stats about the number eight over the years:

-Geelong spearhead and funny man Bill Brownless is the only player to kick eight goals from eight disposals – he did it in Round 2, 1994 against Richmond and received one Brownlow vote.

-Brisbane champion Alastair Lynch holds the record for most eight disposal games, recording that exact number of disposals in 34 matches – including a haul of 7.1 in Round 8, 2003 which secured him the three votes from the umpires.

-Dual premiership Tiger Jack Riewoldt is the most recent player to wear the number eight and have eight kicks from eight disposals. He has done this three times and the Tigers have lost on every occasion.

5. Clang Gang

Port Adelaide battering ram Sam Powell-Pepper holds the record for the most clangers in a game while also also polling three Brownlow votes. In horror conditions at China’s Jiangwan Stadium in Round 9, 2018, the midfielder racked up a whopping 13 clangers along with 26 disposals, and two goals, adjudged best on ground by the men in green.

Other double digit clanger totals to get the umpires 3 votes are:

11 Jack Steven (StK), Dustin Martin (Rich)

10 Travis Johnstone (Melb), Gary Ablett (GC), Jimmy Bartel (Geel), Joel Selwood (Geel), Mitch Robinson (Bris), Luke Shuey (WCE), Dustin Martin (Rich)

6. No snags for the Under Dogs

Now this is a diamond in the rough of the Useless AFL Stats mine. There have been 9 players with a combined 292 AFL games with the word ‘Under’ in their last name, none of which have ever kicked a goal against the Dogs (Western Bulldogs). The closest was Darren Saunders (Collingwood) who kicked a behind in Rd 14 1992.

Below is a list of players that have a surname where part of or all of that name is a prefix/word that can be used in front of dog, ranked by their total goals against the Dogs.

Example: Simon Madden – has ‘Mad’ in his name, with a common nickname/slang term being ‘Mad Dog.’

Simon Madden (Mad dog) (Essendon) 43

Doug Searl (Seadog) (Coll/Fitzroy) 33

Cameron Mooney (Moondog) (Geelong) 25

Jack Gunston (Gundog) (Adel/Hawth) 20

Chad Cornes (Corn dog) (Port A) 19

Matthew Lappin (Lapdog) (St K/Carl) 14

Trent Hotton (Hotdog) (Coll/Carl) 8

Craig Bird (Bird dog) (Syd/Ess) 6

Alex Neal-Bullen (Bulldog) (Melb) 4

Jeremy Guard (Guard dog) (Fitzroy) 1

Adam Cooney (Coon dog) (Essendon) 1

Jack Gunston has kicked 20 goals against the Western Bulldogs. Picture: Colleen Petch.

7. INXS Kick.

Rock band INXS played as the pre-game entertainment in the first 2010 AFL Grand Final which ended in a draw between St Kilda and Collingwood. They played three songs during that set – Suicide Blonde, New Sensation and Kick, which is also the name of their most successful album. Carlton’s Michael Sexton holds the honour of the most kicks with the letters I-N-X-S in his name.

Most Kicks by players with the letters I-N-X-S in their name:

Michael Sexton (Carlton) 2087

Simon Cox (West Bull/Hawth) 836

Alex Ischenko (WCE/Bris/Nth Melb) 658

Alex Silvagni (Frem/Carl) 441

Damian Sexton (St Kilda) 39

North Melbourne ruckman Tristan Xerri can add his name to the list if he gets a game and a kick in 2020.

8. Score matches the date

Here is why the Swans chased Joe Daniher so hard in last year’s trade period. Daniher is one of a few players whose goalkicking tally has matched the exact date they were playing, kicking 2.4 (16) on the 2nd of April, 2016 (2/4/16) – a truly remarkable effort. Others to match the exact day and month are Malcolm Blight and Paul Salmon, who kicked 7.4 on the 7/4/79 and 7/4/84 respectively, the highest amount of goals and behinds to correspond to the date. But Daniher’s effort will be coveted in glory for decades to come.

Joe Daniher’s reaction after reading this stat.

9. GWS premiership destiny?

This is one for the conspiracy theorists and one of the craziest stats you’ll find.

Using the keypad on your mobile phone, find the corresponding digits for JOSH KELLY = 567453559.

Then transfer these digits to a Google Image search. Sure enough, the first result is a Premiership Cup.

Go on – try it!

Is it a sign that Josh Kelly can bring them premiership success in 2020? Picture. Phil Hillyard

The Josh Kelly conspiracy theory confirmed.

10. Steven Dodd = Even/Odd.

Fremantle forgotten favourite Steven Dodd is the most Even/Odd player in AFL History – not just because of his name.

Jumper Number – 25 (one even and one odd number)

Win/Loss – 43 wins, 58 losses

Disposals – 713 kicks, 762 handballs

Possessions – 465 Contested, 1000 Uncontested

Inside/Rebound 50s – Rebound 50s 243, Inside 50s 104

Score – 7 goals, 8 behinds

Free Kicks – 90 For, 87 Against

Steven Dodd is the most even/odd player to have played the game. Picture: Jackson Flindell

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