Trick or treat? Every club’s (not so serious) nightmare scenario for the 2025 AFL season
Dan Houston kicking the winner against Carlton? Jake Stringer the Coleman medallist? For Halloween, we take a very tongue-in-cheek look at the scenario that could haunt every club in 2025.
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The off-season is spooky season in AFL club land, where not a lot can go right but plenty can go wrong – just ask John Longmire and Callum Mills.
If Halloween was only about dress ups and questionable diet decisions, we would simply rebrand it as Mad Monday and be done with it. But everyone’s second-favourite holiday is much more than that.
Anything can happen – good and bad – on October 31.
If you were knocking on your club’s door this week, what would your trick or treat be?
Read on for our (very) tongue-in cheek list of every club’s trick and treat this spooky season.
ADELAIDE
Trick: A series of unfortunate events lead the club’s sponsors to jump ship, leaving the Crows on the brink of financial collapse. Their only means of staying afloat is to accept a substantial sponsorship deal from a little-known high-performance consultancy firm, Collective Mind.
Treat: INXS publicly announce they are diehard Adelaide Crows supporters and request Port Adelaide stops insulting the band by using ‘Never Tear Us Apart’ as its pre-game song. The band reveals it will play a live show for the first Showdown in 2025 dressed entirely in Crows colours.
BRISBANE
Trick: The new Queensland Government refuses to upgrade the Gabba or build a new stadium, leaving the Lions to play at a decrepit home ground for another 20 years while the AFL funds a new 65,000 seat stadium on the Gold Coast for the Suns.
Treat: The new Queensland Government builds a new 65,000 seat stadium at Victoria Park, publicly denouncing the disappointing Brisbane Broncos and anointing the Lions as the true ‘Pride of Brisbane Town’. Charlie Curnow chats with Joe Daniher, who explains why escaping the Melbourne footy bubble is a great idea, and Curnow requests a trade to Brisbane.
CARLTON
Trick: Dan Houston — who the club refused to trade its early draft picks for despite him wanting to become a Blue — kicks the winning goal for Collingwood in a final between the arch rivals.
Treat: Carlton’s No. 3 draft pick takes a hanger on the head of Dan Houston, turns and kicks goal of the year from the boundary on the 50m arc to knock Collingwood out in a prelim.
COLLINGWOOD
Trick: Nick Daicos requests a trade to Carlton after Patrick Cripps’ private promise to get a week suspension early in the season so that he is ineligible to win the Brownlow.
Treat: Patrick Cripps is gifted an Ancestry DNA kit for Christmas which reveals he is actually Patrick Daicos. The AFL steps in and ships the new Daicos brother to Collingwood.
ESSENDON
Trick: Jake Stringer becomes the first player since Buddy to kick 100 goals in a season and also wins the Brownlow Medal.
Treat: Joe Daniher comes out of retirement and returns to play for the Bombers, spearheading finals comebacks against Collingwood and Carlton before kicking the matchwinner against Brisbane on grand final day.
FREMANTLE
Trick: Alex Pearce gets a buzzcut.
Treat: Buzzcut Pearce becomes prime Matthew Scarlett.
GEELONG
Trick: Years upon years of redevelopment have created an unstable surface at Kardinia Park which causes a gaping sinkhole to form only days out from opening round. All the Cats’ infrastructure is gone, and the club is forced to relocate to Rhys Stanley’s farm for the entire 2025 campaign.
Treat: It turns out Rhys Stanley’s farm is an even stronger home ground than Kardinia Park, and the Cats go unbeaten there throughout the season. After years of having to host finals at the MCG, the Cats are given clearance by the AFL to host a prelim at the farm and a staggering 3000 people watch the Cats demolish Brisbane and book a place in the grand final.
GOLD COAST
Trick: Gold Coast finishes fifth and hosts Port Adelaide in an elimination final at People First Stadium. Coleman Medallist-elect Jack Lukosius kicks seven goals including the matchwinner after the siren to sink the Suns’ first finals campaign. Port goes on to win the flag and Lukosius is named Norm Smith medallist.
Treat: In a secret handshake deal between the AFL and Suns CEO Mark Evans, Andrew Dillon promises to fund moves to the Gold Coast for the sport’s retired superstars where they will enrol their children into the Suns Academy.
GWS
Trick: Adam Kingsley recalls his players early from their off-season vacations for a bonding experience. He gets the playing group in a room on his favourite holiday, Halloween, to re-watch the best modern horror film of all time: the 2024 semi-final.
Treat: The AFL backflips on the new Tasmanian team and instead merges it with the Giants, who now have the biggest membership base in the competition and priority access to the 2026 and 2027 drafts.
HAWTHORN
Trick: Essendon clears room in its soft cap to lure Lyndal Mitchell to the club as its head of recruitment. The Bombers ‘win’ the trade period for the next three years and go on a four-peat run of premierships to take the Hawks’ title as the best team of the AFL era.
Treat: Mabior Chol convinces best mate Mac Andrew to give up his Gold Coast riches and move to the Hawks for cheap, where they become the premier bookends in the competition and lead the Hawks to another three-peat.
MELBOURNE
Trick: Alex Neal-Bullen ‘don’t argues’ Christian Petracca and Clayton Oliver on his way to kicking the goal of the year to win the game for Adelaide against his former club.
Treat: Jesse Hogan says he feels like he owes Melbourne and requests a trade to the Demons. He immediately reinvigorates the forward line, booting 101 goals in the regular season and leading them to a flag.
NORTH MELBOURNE
Trick: The Roos are revealed to be rorting the salary cap in order to pay Jack Darling more money. It results in a forfeiting of draft picks and a future salary cap reduction that means they don’t have enough money to keep Luke Davies-Uniacke.
Treat: Richmond becomes so enamoured with pick 2 it gives up 6, 10 and 11 for it. The Tigers whiff on their selection and the Kangaroos draft a trio of future 300-gamers.
PORT ADELAIDE
Trick: The Crows’ five-year long con is revealed when Rory Atkins is discovered slipping Port’s full game plan to Matthew Nicks on the eve of the Round 24 Showdown. Adelaide goes on to win and leapfrogs Port into the top eight.
Treat: Rory Atkins is actually a double agent and has finally made his Port Adelaide dream come true. Has a Gary Ablett-esque glow up and becomes the AFL’s premiere rebounding defender and wins AA ahead of Dan Houston.
RICHMOND
Trick: The Tigers are relegated to the Coates Talent League after being found to have an average age of less than 19 on their list. They lose the Coates Talent League.
Treat: North Melbourne’s salary cap scandal (see above) results in the Tigers gaining pick 2 for nothing.
ST KILDA
Trick: The first 15 picks in November’s draft are used on father-sons or academy prospects with clubs matching bids using picks in the 40s and 50s, forcing Saints president Andrew Bassat into a daze in which he continuously chants “fair price, fair price, fair price”.
Treat: It’s revealed Collingwood was paying Dane Swan under the table in 2010 and the AFL awards St Kilda the 2010 premiership.
SYDNEY
Trick: The Swans make another grand final.
Treat: The Swans actually win a grand final.
WEST COAST
Trick: Harley Reid takes up a full-time position as a journalist in WA, producing only front pages.
Treat: Hungry Jacks steps in to fund Harley Reid’s $5m per season salary and the AFL green lights the move in an effort to avoid ‘VicBias’ claims. Reid uses his windfall to purchase the West Australian and takes full oversight of its front and back pages.
WESTERN BULLDOGS
Trick: A Jack Macrae-led St Kilda, then a Caleb Daniel-led North Melbourne, inflict consecutive defeats on the Bulldogs at the end of the season and they miss finals.
Treat: Marcus Bontempelli breaks the record for most Brownlow votes in a single season, wins a Norm Smith Medal in a flag-winning year and is publicly declared the greatest player of the modern era.
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