Titus O’Reily: What to do when your team doesn’t make finals

As a Melbourne fan, Titus O’Reily is a “grizzled veteran” when it comes to not seeing his side play football in September. Which is why he is the perfect man to give some tips on how to fill the footy void.

Melbourne fans know all too well what it feels like to have your side miss out on finals footy.

I was chatting to a Hawthorn supporter the other day, something I’d normally avoid, but in this case, I was stuck next to them at a lunch.

Despite their Hawthorness and the associated arrogance that comes with that affliction, it was fun watching them grappling with having September free.

It was like watching a cat trying to figure out algebra.

“What do people do in September if their team isn’t in the finals?” they asked, “I didn’t even know you could miss finals.”

As a Melbourne supporter, I was like the grizzled veteran listening to a new recruit.

“Sure you can miss finals” I said, “Some teams visit the finals less than Halley’s comet visits the Earth.”

He almost choked on his rabbit terrine when he heard this.

There will be no need for Hawthorn fans to line up for finals tickets this September. Picture: Robert Cianflone

He then proceeded to tell me about how tough this year had been for Hawthorn fans. I responded by telling him this was like someone with a cold complaining to a person with a terminal disease.

Not being in the finals is my natural environment, and there’s lots you can do to keep yourself occupied.

To start with, I love this time of year despite my team’s regular absence.

Melbourne fans are veterans when it comes to be free in September. Picture: Michael Klein

Melbourne is never better than at this time of year. For starters, something called ‘the Sun’ begins to emerge and you no longer wish you lived somewhere else.

Getting reacquainted with sunshine is always fun. It makes me understand how the English must feel that one day the Sun comes out over there.

Then there’s the traditional start to the Finals, Essendon losing, which is always an enjoyable way to spend an evening.

The Bombers haven’t won a final since 2004 and only the Gold Coast Suns have a worse record over that time, and the Suns are technically not an AFL club, just the longest, most expensive schoolies trip in history.

YouTube was not invented the last time Essendon won a final. Picture: Michael Wilson

Then we’ve got Grand Final day to look forward to. It’s the best day of the year by a mile, like Christmas but spiritual. No matter who is playing, everyone can enjoy Grand Final Day.

The drama, the spectacle, the ability to drink before noon without people judging you. It’s a wonderful day.

Not being in finals also frees me up to pursue my one true passion, not talking to people. Without football I’ve no reason to engage with anyone.

When I gave my Hawthorn friend these tips, he seemed sad. “I’m just going to watch old Hawthorn premierships,” he said “I’m having trouble trying to decide what one to start with. Why don’t you watch previous Melbourne Premierships?”

“It’s too much effort to get the projector out of storage,” I said.

The Debate: Was Brett Ratten a good appointment for St Kilda?

Pro

•He’s not Brad Scott

•He’s not Brad Scott

•He’s not Brad Scott

Con

•Ratten’s reputation has mainly been bolstered by the fact Mick Malthouse and Brendan Bolton followed him at Carlton

•It prevents the return of Ross Lyon, which would have been fun to watch purely to see Saints supporters’ reactions

•I had three years’ worth of Brad Scott jokes ready to go

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