It’s written in the script: Why the Bulldogs will definitely win the 2016 premiership

IT’S amazing how the Bulldogs’ season has pretty much ran to script. And that script is from a Hollywood blockbuster, says the Dog’s banner writer Danny McGinlay.

THERE’S a scene in The Blair Witch Project where the three characters, after hiking all day realise they’re right back in the same spot where they started. (I’m talking the old Blair Witch movie here, I’ve not seen the new one because I’m not dumb enough to go watch the sequel, why would you pay money to watch something you know is going to be terrible? What are you a Richmond supporter?)

Anyway — halfway through the second quarter on Friday night I felt just as despondent as those film students in the forest; the Dogs were playing great football against the much more fancied Hawks, but couldn’t convert to the scoreboard and Hawthorn kept sneaking goals whenever our boys made even the slightest of errors.

I felt I’d seen this film many times before, another honourable loss in a final.

A scene from the original Blair Witch Project. Interestingly, it’s earily similar to the look on many Hawthorn supporters faces after Friday night’s game.

My beloved Doggies were cast once again as the likeable sidekick, not the leading role. Robin not Batman, Goose not Maverick, Wilson not Tom Hanks.

We all know now that this year’s film is different. I’m not watching The Blair Witch Project, I’m watching a different movie. And this movie is awesome.

Every single week of this finals the Bulldogs have been cast in a different sort of film, and each week they’ve played the hero perfectly.

Being sent to battle the Eagles in Perth was our sci-fi spectacular. Domain Stadium was an impenetrable fortress, like the Death Star but with more cashed up Bogans.

The Eagles had hit such form they were like a giant asteroid hurtling towards the Grand Final. We drilled into that asteroid and destroyed it with such Bruce Willis style efficiency you could hear the cries of ‘Yippee Ki Yay…’

Danny McGinlay’s banner for the Bulldags’ clash with Hawthorn. Picture: Supplied

Last week our Bulldogs were thrust into The Mighty Ducks. Our ragtag bunch of loveable misfits suddenly found themselves facing the three-time reigning premier from the snooty side of town, the Hawks.

We followed the script perfectly. Heartache in the first half then an unbelievable comeback, I swear in the last quarter Dahlhaus and the boys ran down the ground in a flying v.

The best part was in The Mighty Ducks you never get to see the hurting faces of previously smug Hawk fans as they leave the ground during the last quarter.

It was so good, I still imagine them crying themselves to sleep with only their stock portfolio and selection of Grand Final DVDs to keep them warm.

Coming to a preliminary final near you... Illustration: Mitchell Toy

Now on Saturday we face our Judgement Day in Sydney. In GWS, we face an unstoppable opponent that is not of this world, rather it was created by an evil corporation and sent back from the future to destroy my happiness.

This evil Cyborg can take on any form, but it chooses to appear like a football club, but if you look in it’s eyes you see it has no soul. By all logic hope should be lost; but we have a secret weapon, we’ve been sent our own Terminator.

It’s the Bontempelli-800 model. An unkillable footballing robot who can annihilate all opponents he encounters.

If the Bont-800 is on form, the only hope GWS have is if Premier Mike Baird brings in a lock out law and the stadium closes at quarter time.

If we make the Grand Final we may play the Sydney Swans and echo the plot of Rocky 4 (the one where he fights the Russian bloke), but I don’t think this will happen. This season is too perfect for the movie to end that way.

The football gods will surely pit us against the team that has beaten us in more finals than any other – Geelong. To Bulldogs fans the Cats are like if Voldemort hooked up with The Wicked Witch of the West and their kid was vindictive.

The last time we beat the Cats in a final was way back in 1956. Ever since then they’ve been our bullies in the west.

We’re like the weedy city kid, whenever we caught the flirty eyes of finals success our tormentors would arrive and strike first, strike hard and with no mercy.

They are like Cobra Kai from Karate Kid if Karate Kid was set in a more depressing city.

Thankfully it’s different this year: we have a different coach.

Actor Pat Morita re-enacts his Mr Miyagi 'crane' move from the Karate Kid movies. Bulldogs coach Luke Beveridge probably does it better. Picture: AFP

Bevo is our Mr Miyagi; a wise football master who will take us to ultimate glory. He can spout ancient wisdom, turn skinny kids into champions and can probably even catch flies with chopsticks blindfolded.

This is why the Bulldogs will win the premiership this year. All the scripts are written, we just need to watch the action. It’s definitely going to happen. Football is never cruel right?

I’ve decided to take advantage of my football club’s popularity and am performing a one-off show at European Bier Cafe on Thursday 29th September. I’ll be doing stand up about the Bulldogs, the banners as well as some of my greatest hits. Tickets through: https://www.trybooking.com/NEJQ