How to be a Western Bulldogs fan for tonight’s semi final against Hawthorn
THERE’s only two Melbourne teams in the finals this week and you know you’ve hated Hawthorn since the 1980s. So here’s how you can jump aboard the Doggies bandwagon.
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WELCOME aboard the Bulldogs bandwagon my friend.
There’s plenty of room for you here. Lots of room is actually one of the major benefits of being a Dogs fan.
When the stadium is only half full there’s always room to stretch out. It’s the footy equivalent of a Gold Class Cinema.
There’s many great reasons to be supporting the Scraggers: the romance of the underdog, the dream of breaking a premiership drought, but mostly — you have no other viable option.
PART I - BULLDOGS BANNER@WesternBulldogs @dannymcginlay #BeMoreBulldog #GameDay https://t.co/0orniZsPsQ
— AFL Game Day (@7aflgameday) September 11, 2016
There’s two Melbourne teams left and the other is Hawthorn.
You hate Hawthorn, remember?
You’ve hated them since the ‘80s when all the kids at school started going for them because they made the grand final every year.
Then you realise that these glory hunting children grew up and in their 30s they were rewarded with a premiership three-peat and the rage burns within you so brightly you almost know what it’s like to support Richmond.
Now if you’re going to be an honorary Dogs fan tonight, I’ve got a few pointers to help you seem more legitimate.
Think of me as your acting coach, giving you your motivation to embody a true Footscray tragic.
The first thing you need to embrace is a crushing phobia of preliminary finals.
September is a cruel month that can trigger many horrid recollections.
Most involving Geelong. Or Adelaide.
In fact subconsciously, the sight of horizontal stripes makes you uneasy.
You always preferred Bert to Ernie and you didn’t know why.
1985, 1992, 1998, 2008, 2009, 2010. All these years we just missed the big dance.
It sucked.
A lot.
Like Attack of the Clones-level sucking.
Especially ‘09.
Riewoldt’s ‘winning goal’ was touched, anyone could see it was touched what the hell was wrong with that umpire?!!?!!?!?!
Okay I’m back. Just had to go call my therapist.
None of those years compare to ’97.
Which sucked more than a hypothetical remake of Attack of the Clones that starred Ashton Kutcher and Katy Perry.
If you’re going to be a Bulldogs fan you gotta know this pain.
We went from second last on the ladder in 1996 to being 22 points up at three quarter time in the preliminary final.
And then Adelaide kicked four unanswered goals in the final term and it all ended with Rohan Smith punching the ground.
It was almost the perfect Cinderella story.
But in this version Prince Charming ends up leaving for a night of fun with both ugly stepsisters while Cinderella is executed by firing squad.
It’s not all bad though, some things about being a Dogs fan are great.
And the most important to remember is: nobody hates you.
Seriously, can you name anyone who hates the Bulldogs? Like really hates them, more than they hate Collingwood or Carlton?
Every time you tell someone who you barrack for, they will invariably smile and tell you the Dogs are their second favourite team.
This has literally never happened to a Hawthorn supporter.
We Doggies get told about how people have a soft spot for Bob Murphy, while all Hawks fans get is an awkward silence and an attempt to change the conversation back onto whether they went to Scotch or Xavier.
Imagine that, Essendon fans.
You tell people which team you support and they are happy.
No pointing and laughing, no calling you a drug cheat.
They won’t even point out that your club’s song mispronounces ‘premiership’.
There’s lots of little things that will help you look like a Footscray fan.
Calling us Footscray is one of them.
Also, a relaxed attitude to orthodontics will help, and your PIN number should be 1954.
Then you will be one of us and tonight’s epic win over the reigning premiers will be so much sweeter.
Go Dogs.
Danny McGinlay is a Melbourne comedian and Bulldogs tragic who writes their banners.
See Danny’s banner at tonight’s Semi Final, then tell him how good it is @dannymcginlay
Some of Danny’s best work:
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