Todd Goldstein thought about giving up AFL as he battled on and off the field
TWO years ago Todd Goldstein was the best ruckman in the AFL but following “the worst two and half years of my life” he reveals the depths of his mental anguish which made him lose interest in the game.
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TODD Goldstein tried to hide it.
He arrived at the club each morning, and before each game throughout the bulk of last year, trying to conceal the anguish and emptiness.
After some knee issues in 2016, Goldstein’s form plummeted again last season in line with his deteriorating mental state.
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Goldstein separated from his wife in 2015, and the subsequent discussion surrounding their three children had taken its toll on him, and his football.
By midway through last year, the man considered the best ruckman in the AFL only two seasons before had lost interest in the game.
He was mentally “exhausted”, he said, and had even withdrawn, in some ways, from the team environment.
In his first interview about “the worst two and half years of my life”, Goldstein said the thought of giving AFL away crossed his mind “in my lowest moments” last season.
“It was about the desire, really,” Goldstein told the Herald Sun.
“To be honest, I didn’t want to be here, and that’s not really about the footy club or a North Melbourne thing. I just didn’t want to be playing.
“It was all a grind for me and being here probably wasn’t the best place for me.”
Goldstein, 29, this week said he was finally ready to talk openly about his on and off-field struggles after a resolution to his family situation late last season.
That much-needed clarity coincided with the best games of his season in the last two rounds and now, after a two-week European holiday in the off-season, Goldstein says he feels capable of reclaiming his sparkling 2015 form.
“The last two and a half years I haven’t been very good at sharing how I am going — even this interview if it was last year I would have been stressing about it for weeks,” he said.
“So, even this is a huge step for me, but I don’t want to shy away from it any more.
“I have learnt the biggest thing is just being open and honest with the people around you if you are struggling, because even doing that is a weight off your shoulders.”
This week at training, Goldstein again showcased his trademark running power, giving Roos chiefs reason to believe their star big man can get back to his best.
Yet last year, when he looked for the energy and motivation to plough into the next marking contest, or sprint across the turf, the tank was often empty.
As a 201cm ruckman, where aggression counts, it was a big problem.
“You need to be committed to jumping into your opponent, getting whacked, and if you don’t have that desire or that commitment, it makes it bloody hard to play that position,” he said.
“And I just didn’t have that. Mostly, I was very tired.
“The process that I have been through is a long and exhausting one and I don’t think you realise just how much it takes out of you mentally.
“And I think that is something that it took me until the middle of last season, that you realise just how exhausted I was.
“I didn’t want to come to training. I didn’t want to play but I don’t want to not play, either.”
He tried to push on, telling himself things would soon improve, on and off the field.
Goldstein has been one of the AFL’s most durable players, managing at least 19 games in each of the past eight seasons. That’s what he has always done, through injury and patchy form, just plough on.
But rumours began to circulate on social media about Goldstein’s family situation and even a potential trade from the Kangaroos.
Some opponents even taunted the 190-gamer on the field about personal matters.
Once incident against Port Adelaide in Round 16, 2016, in particular stung him.
“Yeah it did. It surprised me,” he said.
“Personally I didn’t think you could go there but they did and I think it was more that they didn’t give me the chance to get off the leash.
“Every time I thought I was free I had someone else come at me, so I think that was why I struggled in that game.”
The whole downward spiral felt pretty public, he said.
But it was not until Goldstein played “one of the worst games of my career” against Richmond in Round 11 last year that the cold hard reality hit him.
He had 14 possessions and had failed to take a mark for a second straight game.
Goldstein said he had hit rock bottom and football was far from fun.
He knew he needed help, and met with coach Brad Scott and football chief Cameron Joyce to map out a plan. He was dropped to the VFL.
“It was probably exacerbated by then by the performances I was putting out there, of course, but there were some pretty bad lows,” he said.
“I think Richmond before the bye last year was probably up there with one of my worst performances I have ever put out there on the footy field and I think that was one of the turning points around that break, because I realised that just how much I was struggling.
“It was probably good for me to go back and play a little bit in the VFL.
“As much as you don’t want to, and I feel like I could have probably turned stuff around away from it, but it was also probably a realisation how low I had fallen and how low I was feeling mentally.
“That was probably the catalyst to help me go back and start seeing someone again (for mental help) and start trying to sort out what was going on mentally and how to fix that.”
With the club’s encouragement, Goldstein began to prioritise his mental health, and put some appointments ahead of various club commitments.
“I was seeing someone throughout this whole process but then I probably dropped away from seeing her,” he said.
“When you are grinding through footy and grinding through training, doing stuff with the kids, making sure the kids are all sorted out and doing stuff for everyone else, I didn’t think I was or didn’t admit to myself that I wasn’t looking after myself.
“And I wasn’t happy or enjoying what I was doing.”
But in the last month of the regular season, the arrangements with his children were resolved.
The former gun junior basketballer saw some blue sky and pulled out season-high 11 marks over two games against St Kilda and Brisbane.
After the off-season break with his new partner Felicity, Goldstein resolved to reclaim his mantle as one of the league’s most influential big men.
He was re-energised, and motivated.
He has missed only one session, he said, this pre-season.
“I’m a different person now, and I think the people closest to me would agree,” he said.
“I’ve had a really good break and was able to get out of Australia and it was nice to not think about footy.
“I was able to do some training because you worry about skinfolds going through Switzerland eating cheese and chocolate, but I had a really good base before I went over.
“But I came back really looking forward to getting back to work and looking forward to the season, rather than dreading it, because I know that I have still got a lot of footy ahead of me.
“I know that I have still got my best footy ahead of me.”
And the reality is North need him. They need every cylinder firing if the young Roos are going to recapture the form which saw them stun grand finalist Adelaide last year, providing plenty of hope and optimism around the club’s attempted climb up the ladder this year.
They’re excited by the nucleus of talent grown, since making strong calls on the futures of a bunch of veterans at the end of 2016.
Goldstein, now the longest-serving player at the club, takes the leadership responsibility seriously, after admittedly, struggling with it last year.
“Two years ago I was probably not in the top 10 oldest at the club,” he said.
“But Robbie Tarrant and Scotty Thompson were both drafted the year after me, so you do realise you have a responsibility to stand up a bit more.
“I don’t think I have been the greatest teammate because I have been a bit absent.
“But the club needs older guys now to stand up, even when we are not playing our best and lead from the front to help usher these younger guys through.
“That’s what I have been trying to do as best as I can this preseason.
“We are all really looking forward to the season and excited about what we can do together with such a young team.”
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