Politically-correct insults suitable for an AFL umpire in 2019

You can’t call them green maggots and you can’t refer to the fact they are bald. But here are 20 politically correct comments you are permitted to shout at AFL umpires when at the footy.

It’s helpful to apply a woke approach to umpire criticism in 2019.

If you’re the sort of person to get up and yell at the footy umpire without even a trigger warning, this is for you.

Here are 20 woke, anti-maggophobic comments you are politically permitted to make at the footy.

1. If you require the use of a trained canine as visual aide, you have my full support.

2. Your whistle is presently in no danger of being overused.

3. I have had respectful, consensual relations with a member of your immediate family.

4. I believe your talents might best be applied in a different field of work.

5. Although I do not presume your gender, I observe your follicles are sparse.

6. It is wonderful to see tolerance of all levels of intellect in umpire hiring policy.

7. While sleep is important for mental health, you should reconsider doing it during play.

8. Age is clearly no indication of ability because my grandparent could make a boundary throw like that.

9. Congratulations on embracing a fluid definition of 15m.

10. It is human to make mistakes and you are really, really human.

11. Your outward appearance doesn’t reflect who you are inside. If you are an opposition player on the inside, please let us know.

12. How brave of you to identify as a goal umpire.

13. Your success in your chosen field, despite your obvious lack of education, is truly inspirational.

14. While your patronage of the safe injecting room is encouraged, it is not advisable to visit immediately prior to a match.

15. It is great to see you shunning outdated body image expectations around weight.

16. How shameful for the AFL not to provide you with a rule book in Braille.

17. I trust your decision not to call ‘holding the man’ is a silent protest against the patriarchy.

18. Proposed laws legalising marijuana will undoubtedly help me understand your decisions.

19. Thank you for prompting me to challenge my prejudices about what is and isn’t a handball.

20. As a fan of inclusiveness, I welcome your application of netball rules to this match.